to not have time to tidy and declutter my parent's house?

[dirtyhousehelp]

My parent's house has always been cluttered and untidy. In the past few years it has become increasingly dirty as well. This is a problem, there is no denying it. I have suggested to them on many occasions that I could help them out with clearing some space/tidying/cleaning the kitchen/doing some odd jobs. They have always said no they don't want the help (my dad more than my mum, she would like the house to be nicer and would accept any help but he seems to think they should be able to do it all themselves). I offered to pay for someone to come in and help too, but again the offer was refused because they are embarrassed/ashamed of the state the house has got into.

Now, they have had some bad health recently, getting better though. My mum asked a younger relative to help them clear the garden and she paid him for his help. His mum came with him and started clearing part of the house too, unasked for but a massive help. I am very, very grateful to them for this. What I did not need was her telling me that I should be doing this for them, again unasked and my parents did not know anything about this.

I would love to help them do something with the house but it would be a long, long project and I just don't have the time. I work full time as does my dp, we have 2 children and we live about a 2hr drive from my parents. I have also been depressed for the past few months and it is taking ALL of my effort to just keep my own head above water, my own house needs serious decluttering and cleaning. I should probably add that my brother lives at home and has no family but does work full time.

AIBU to just not have the time/energy to spend my weekends trying to sort their house out? I am still willing to help out with paying for someone to come in and help (obviously within a certain budget) and would happily spend a couple of days doing smaller jobs/ clearing smaller areas. I just can't do as much as this relative seems to think I should be.

I'd tell the relative to butt out, what the hell does she think you've been trying to get them to let you do for years.
Your Brother lives at home, he should be doing it, and organizing some help to come in and do it. It's not just womens work. Has she been having a go at him about it?

What California said, in its entirety.

take a deep breath and ignore anything said. focus on your own family. your brother in in the house - let him sort it.

'What I did not need was her telling me that I should be doing this for them, again unasked and my parents did not know anything about this.'

Do you mean she wasn't asked to say anything to you by your mum and dad?

For her to make such an assumption about how much you've offered to help your parents, it sounds like someone's said something to make her sound so definite.

Normally you'd ask the person what they've already tried so you could make suggestions, but to go steaming in accusing you of doing FA is a bit strong.

Oh I don't know Agent, she just sounds like a busybody, tbh - one of those who feel that it's the daughter's place to make sure their parents' are looked after, not anyone else's. I doubt the parents had any input at all, since they've refused all offers of help so far.

It does annoy me that daughters are expected to do this sort of work but sons are deemed too important/incompetent to do housework or sort the garden.

Your brother lives there- he should be sorting things out.

Tell your relative that you have been offering to help for years but the help has been refused.

No my parents did not ask her to say anything. I even spoke to my mum after I'd had that phone call and offered again to come and sort out the kitchen (a job that would take most of the day) only to be told that she wants to be the one to sort out the kitchen because she knows where she wants things. They also want to spend time with us when we visit rather than set us to work.

It really did annoy me that she has spoken to me and expects me to come and sort it out when she seems to have left my brother alone even though he lives there and she knows all about the trigger for my depression.

hmm it is very off hand that your relative has taken it upon themselves to tell you you need to do more. i would explain to them what you have said here or tell them to butt out. i do believe your brother should be helping more especially since he lives there.

i totally sympathise too as my mum's house is the same. tbf it has become so much worse since dad died but that was 8yrs ago. when i offer to help she always says she'd rather do it herself, but never takes it any further.

i then feel as though hands are tied as although i would love to help, offer is refused. it's def a no win situation for both parties as i can't go above her wishes.

do you think your parents maybe depressed?

No YANBU.

You have tried to be tactful when handling this with your parents. She may be the kind of person who would steam in and start tidying and cleaning somebody else's house without permission, but I think she was being rude.

Equally, if there is an able bodied adult living in the house, then she should really be talking to him.

(Trying to imagine the situation where a daughter would be living at home, and a relative would assume that her brother who had his own family and lived elsewhere should come over and help with the housework...)

Also, you have my sympathy re: your attempts to help them organise a cleaner.

They don't seem depressed but that's not really a great indicator as anyone outside my immediate family wouldn't know that I'm depressed either as you get pretty good at hiding it for other people after a while I think.

The state of their house is more down to their health problems I think. My dad was very ill a few years ago and never fully recovered although he is much much better than he was. My mum retired a couple of years ago and instead of having so much more time to do things she ended up having an operation on her leg and has been unable to walk around as much. She is now much better but seems to have got into the habit of thinking she can't walk/stand for long so she sits at the computer playing games a lot of the time. After each bout if illness the house is a little bit worse and it's overwhelming so they don't know where to start to fix it. If you add in my dad's hoarding and the fight it is to get him to part with anything and you have quite a major problem.

YANBU.

You have nothing but sympathy from me.

The garden was a good place to start, but when it comes down to it, people are emotive about their clutter. If your mum and dad are not totally on board then all that can be achieved is stacking stuff in different places or pissing them off.

I think if you speak to the relative again, you could explain to her that you are very keen to encourage your parents to clean, and butter her up a bit with appreciation of her success. Maybe that way she will stay interested in 'leading the team' IYSWIM. You could really get something done if she stays on side, as someone a bit further removed might have a lot more success than you could at getting your brother to help and your dad to allow it to happen.

YANBU to not want to take this on as your own project. It's not your mess. And you do want to help, you can't do it by yourself.

I can't believe your brother hasn't done more. He needs to pull his finger out IMO.

I agree that my brother needs to do more. He's a grown man but acts as if he's still a teenager. Instead of helping to clean/clear he doesn't even really do his fair share of the ordinary housework. He helps out with things like driving them around when they can't do it themselves, but the rest of the time he hides out in his bedroom (which is just as bad as the rest of the house) on the computer or watching tv.

Getting help in the house does seem to be difficult for people who have always done things themselves.

My grandmother and great aunt on my mother's side always had help in the house and garden, so as they got older and heavier cleaning became more difficult, it was pretty straightforward for them to either up the hours of the gardener/cleaner or change the focus of their work.

However, my parents have never had cleaners, and like yours do have health problems which makes it difficult to keep up with house maintenance, but shifting to that mindset where you are fine with somebody cleaning your things seems to be quite difficult.

They are happy to get a cleaner in, but it's getting it to a state that a cleaner could clean that's the problem. If you can't see the surfaces to clean or there is only a path across the floor of a room then a cleaner is going to struggle, but the hoarding is getting out of hand. My dad wants to keep hold of everything just in case it 'comes in handy'.

I could have written this a couple of years ago, bar the relative saying something - my parents and my brother are the same.

I think at some point you have to stop guilt-tripping yourself about it. Your brother ought to pitch in, but if you've tried to sort them out paid help and nothing came of it, I don't think there's much more you can do.

Someone swooping down and doing what seems like a major tidy is not really a long-term solution. Your relative did a lovely thing, but she's not going to be there all the time, and you can't be there all the time. Basically, if your parents have let it get beyond them once, it is likely to keep happening.

If it were me I'd ignore the relative (or direct her pointedly to your brother/the fact you offered to pay for help). I would talk to your brother and see if the two of you can share ideas, or if he could help persuade them to have a cleaner come in.

But mainly just don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong.

What did you say to the relative when she said you should be doing more?

I don't think I said much to her when she told me I should be doing more. I just said something about how nice it was of her to have tidied part of their house but how did she get them to agree because they won't let me help. I didn't really have much of a chance to say much, she was talking too much.

I agree LRD that one major tidy isn't a long term solution. It is necessary though in order to get a regular cleaner. Once it's clean and relatively tidy they should be better able to keep on top of it with the help of a cleaner once or twice a week. I just wish they would get on with it now their health is better and ask for/accept help when they need it.