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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hand in my notice as a SAHM?

48 replies

MummyWithMenaces · 18/08/2012 22:02

I have been at home for the last five years as a SAHM while my children were small. I've loved being lucky enough to have the opportunity to spend this time with them and have really enjoyed it.

My children will be starting school this year so I've decided to return to work. I've been fortunate enough to find a great job, doing what I did previously with a good salary. We have organised the necessary childcare for pre and post school and my lovely DH has arranged to change his hours to minimise the time that DCs are in childcare.

So far so good.

Until I started to tell my friends - I seem to have upset nearly everybody! Confused

Friends with kids who've always worked full time say they don't think I'll be able to hack full time.

Friends who've always worked part time say "oohh full time, well I wouldn't want to spend soooo much time away from my children.

Friends who are SAHMs seem astounded that I'm going back to work despite the fact that I've always stated this as my intention

Now I appreciate that of course I'll find the change tough at first, and that there will be a period of adjustment for the whole family but really I'm pretty confident that this will be a good thing for us.

AIBU to expect that at the very least my friends should smile and say "well done we're proud of you"?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 18/08/2012 22:03

Well done, as a complete stranger I'm proud of you!!

Gumby · 18/08/2012 22:03

Your friends sound crappy

They're just trying to justify their life decisions through you

Just ignore them

poppycat04 · 18/08/2012 22:04

Their reactions are all about them, not you. Congratulations by the way. Bet you'll be great!

AgentZigzag · 18/08/2012 22:04

You need some more supportive friends I think.

They seem to have got 'things you only think in your head' mixed up with 'negative things that friends need to be told'.

porcamiseria · 18/08/2012 22:05

what gumby said, and others ! well done

bitbewildered · 18/08/2012 22:06

What Red said.

aquashiv · 18/08/2012 22:08

They are jealous.
Well done congratulations it will be hard but so worth it.

Original poster
MummyWithMenaces · 18/08/2012 22:10

Aww - you guys are lovely! Thanks

The thing is they are usually lovely and supportive.

Most of these women have only known me since I've had my DC. I wonder if they just have me so far pigeon holed as the girl in the cheap jeans who runs around the park in an embarrassing fashion with her kids that they have trouble picturing the version of me that's a professional in a suit with killer heels?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 18/08/2012 22:11

how strange - I think your friends should all shut up. I am sorry they have upset you.

MrsJamin · 18/08/2012 22:11

Sounds great, well done! I also think that your friends' reactions say more about how they view their own choices and not your choices.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 22:12

Congratulations and ignore them.

bitbewildered · 18/08/2012 22:15

Oooh I remember killer heels and pencil skirts ...

schoolchauffeur · 18/08/2012 22:15

Well done OP on getting such a good job !

Frankly, it is none of their business-sometimes people just can't seem to resist opening their mouths and passing comment!

Over the years I have been in full time work ( one child in nursery from 4 months), SAHM with pre-schooler and baby, part-time worker with part time nursery and one child at school and at the moment pretty much full time SAHM with sporadic working from home and both DCs are teenagers at boarding school.

So over the last 17 years I have seen it all, heard all the comments:

"ooh going back to work so soon- are you sure that's a good idea"

"ooh putting DS baby in nursery so you can "just " do a part-time job"

"ooh all that training and now you have given it up to stay at home"

"if you can't afford to stay at home and look after your own children you shouldn't have them"

" I can't believe you aren't doing something useful now DCs are away at school- I would feel so guilty not doing anything...."

If I had taken all these viewpoints ( usually inconsistently offered by the same people depending on the situation -ie I couldn't win whatever I did!) I would be a nervous wreck by now.

So take my one learning from all this - do what works for you and your family and keep you all happy and fulfilled and don't for one minute feel you have to justify your decision to anyone.

Hope it goes well for all of you!

Original poster
MummyWithMenaces · 18/08/2012 22:15

The worst thing is that I do expect it to be hard going for the first few months but having had such negative comments from everyone I'm not going to feel able to say that it's hard. I feel like I'm being pushed into a corner where I'll have to pretend and won't be able to talk to any of my friends about it.

Obviously I'll be able to speak to my DH but sometimes it might have been nice to speak to a friend who is an experienced WOHM...

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 18/08/2012 22:19

Yes, but you know where children are concerned everyone is always madly justifying their own choices. With a bit of competitiveness thrown in. It doesn't not make for much kindness, support or understanding a lot of the time.

I went back full-time, I'm managing fine. As long as your childcare is good, so will you.

Growlithe · 18/08/2012 22:19

Their reactions are about them, not you! What you have done sounds absolutely perfect, you had your time with them when they and you needed to, and have luckily landed a job at exactly the right time.

I'm jealous as I became a SAHM last year through redundancy and my youngest starts school in September but I've lost confidence and a lot of my field (IT) has been outsourced to India. I need to sort some direction!

You go Mummy !!!!

crocodiletears · 18/08/2012 22:21

Hooray for you! Really well done! Ignore the others, they're probably jealous.

I'm a SAHM with career plans for when my youngest starts school (2 years time) and I will be over the moon to be back at work when the time comes.

You've done brilliantly to get back into a well paid career after time out, if you were my friend I'd be v v proud of you Thanks

Original poster
MummyWithMenaces · 18/08/2012 22:25

schoolchauffeur damned if you do and damned if you don't!

BitBewildered quite looking forward to the shopping trip for the work wardrobe! very worried about wearing heels everyday again after flats for 5 years

It's very strange - it's almost like that fact that it's a good job is the upsetting part - they wouldn't mind if I was doing a wee part time job for a few pounds a week but don't like the fact that I'll be doubling the household income. It can't just be jealousy - these are not women who are hurting finacially. But the fact that as a couple we'll be jumping up income brackets (even when they don't know what that income is)seems to cause consternation.

OP posts:
HuntingBears · 18/08/2012 22:25

You're soooo lucky OP. I'm enjoying my time with my toddlers, but always wondering what I'll do with myself when they start school, cause there'll be next to no chance of getting back in .... (not pessimistic, realistic). I think school chauffeur is absolutely spot on. People's views are often unfortunately coloured by the green eyed monster. Moan to us rather than rl friends.

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 18/08/2012 22:27

Fair play to you. And congratulations Smile

I wanted to hand my notice in tonight, alas I couldn't as DS is only 21mo, I don't have a job to go to and DP is working abroad Sad

epeesarepointythings · 18/08/2012 22:29

As a WOHM (but no killer heels, plantar fasciitis has put paid to those Sad) I am cheering, jumping up and down and waving pompoms for you. You deserve this, you've worked for this and if your friends can't hack it - find new friends.

AllPastYears · 18/08/2012 22:36

It's probably that, like you say, they've mostly only known you post-kids. They've seen you in your SAHM role and can't see past that. And maybe they're jealous that after 5 years at home you can walk back into a good, well-paid job - maybe they're even they're hoping you'll fail so you don't outshine them!

SrirachaGirl · 18/08/2012 22:37

Good for you, OP Thanks. I'm a SAHM lifer (It's complicated and I do sometimes want to hand in my notice Wink) but I think what you're doing is very cool Smile.

Original poster
MummyWithMenaces · 18/08/2012 22:41

You're all just fab, I'm throwing you all imaginary bouquets Thanks

I'm just a bit Sad that my friends are finding it so hard to see me as a competent, respected professional. As far as I know they all consider me a competent, organised and enthusiastic SAHM - why wouldn't I be the same at work?

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 18/08/2012 22:45

op YANBU it seems whatever choice you make somebody will try and pour cold water on it

go for it

they (friends) have no say on your decisions,you dont rely on them for child care,basically they really have no say in your family

well done and go for it