AIBU to think we can by happy with our 'lot' despite being pretty hard up?

[wanttomakeadifference]

It's just occurred to me that I'm happy!! I kind of feel like I shouldn't be as we are pretty hard up, a couple of close relatives have quite scary health issues, and DP's job is a bit wobbly at the moment.

But I feel lucky and happy. We've been blessed with a lively wonderful DS (5),not got debts (other than mortgage), our house is small so if DP job goes wrong I think he should find another that pays his share, I work PT which suits me really well.

Sometimes I feel like we should be striving harder to have more money, and to keep up with some of our friends who have fabulous houses and holidays. But I like our life as it is and am finally learning to live in the moment and not to worry about things until they happen.

AIBU to be content?

Course not. I feel the same. I have no disposable income whatsoever, and I couldn't give a toss. I tried to get into the whole competitive career building for years, and I could have ended up earning a fortune but I just had no motivation for it and now that I've dropped out of that race I feel, just, happy. I have a wonderful DS, another baby on the way, DH has a job he loves, I'm a SAHM with a very PT job and things are pretty much perfect. I know it could all change in a heartbeat so I'm just enjoying it while it lasts.

It took a very severe bout of depression and coming close to suicide for me to wake up, so I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I am glad it happened. For me the huge turning point was cutting my parents out of my life. Since then I feel like I'm being me for a change, and you know what, I like me, she's nice.

What a wonderful post. Yadnbu. Enjoy you deserve it like many of us do.

Yanbu at all, I have felt like this since DD arrived 1 month ago, we moved house 2 weeks before she came along, work have screwed up my matetnity pay for 2 months now and DS starts school in September, things are a bit chaotic, but, I'm just happy. It is lovely to feel like this after being depressed for most of my life, wasn't expecting it, was preparing for pnd again but I feel so not bothered about Expectations, I am just enjoying this time now.

YANBU.

I feel happy & fine right now just because i do & it's great!!

I'd like to feel this positive all the time... when i get depressive & suicidal during mood swings i try to remember ''this will pass off & i will feel ok soon...'' it's difficult for me to see that when i'm depressed though.

I'm slowly learning to phone friends or family for a chat or go out for a coffee when i'm depressed, seeing animals, birds, nice flowers all help lift my mood a bit. I hate getting depressed; i don't want to feel suicidal anymore during one of those mood swings so i'm trying my best to get support at those times...

Life doesn't have to be anywhere near perfect to feel happy.... it's much better than being miserable; because life is far too short & the world is a beautiful place... I really would just like to feel like this ALL the time!

PS. i try to see the positive side of being skint - at least i can't afford to waste money on junk food like chocolate, cake etc... i have to make sure that the food i buy is nutritious & by eating only nutritious food i'm actually getting slim & my hair looks in better condition... so in fact being skint can make you happy.
Sort of.

I agree! I wish DH did, he is constantly comparing us to friends with more money/bigger houses, looking at cars we can't afford. I think we will look back on these years as the best of our lives- yes we are skint but the kids are happy and at a great age- 4 and 2, and they don't care about fancy holidays they are happy with a trip to the park.

What lovely replies, thank you!!

Its nice to hear others are happy with their lot- despite it not being perfect in many people's eyes.

Your very lucky.

I try to be positive and mostly am. But then something will happen and bring reality crashing back down. Like today. Havent got the school we wanted. If only we had the money to live near good schools or afford private then our dcs education wouldnt boil down to us crossing our fingers.

I try hard to focus on what we do have. But I hate the lack of choice and freedom no money curses us with.

I wish I could just be as happy as you.

Sorry to hear about your school problems, schoolworries. Don't be hard on yourself, most of us would be worried in your position. I hope that things work out better than you hope, somehow.

Thank you so much:)

YANBU. My DH is very much of this attitude whereas I do tend to get down that we don't have the house we want etc straight away. He has pointed out I focus too much on what we don't have rather than what we do have and is so right. I'm striving to be more like you!

I liked your OP wanttomakeadifference Apologies this is going to be long, but it's something I feel strongly about.

About twenty years ago I had depression - I had it for three years. Medication kept suicidal thoughts and despair at bay but just left everything feeling flat. I'd had counselling but it hadn't really helped.

Then I made a positive decision to get well and to be happy - I guess the positive decision was in itself a symptom of my recovery but it was also a trigger for it. I am really careful about my 'mental hygiene' these days - I work on happiness actively every day. I keep a gratitude journal - focussing on what I've got instead of what I don't have. Every day I list three things I'm grateful for. For me being happy is as much a discipline as luck. There are some things in life which create unbearable pain - such as the death of a child or partner - but I know happy people who have suffered these things and gone on to find a source of joy in life. And I know unhappy people who have only suffered the same setbacks that anyone would expect in a normal lifetime but who are bitter and angry at the world.

At the moment I've got health worries, we've just had a death in the family, and we can't afford to get a mortgage and just about make the rent every month. I'm about to get a promotion but it actually comes with a pay drop - good for my career in the long term but for a year I'll be earning less than I'm paying out in childcare. My son is at a school which makes the national news for the poverty and social problems there. I've written three novels which have been rejected from everywhere I've submitted them. My outward circumstances are worse than when I was depressed, but I look at things differently now. Now, whenever I come up with a list of negatives, I count them and then list an equal number of positives. eg there are seven 'negatives' above, here are the seven positives:-

1. I'm in the UK where I can have diagnosis and treatment of my health problems - if I'm diagnosed I'll be treated on the NHS. In many countries only the very richest people get to even see a doctor. So I'm very lucky.
2. The person who died was in terrible pain from liver failure due to addiction, and was no longer in his right mind. Now he's gone we can try to remember him the way he was before he became ill.
3. We rent a flat in an area where I like living. It's small, but that means less housework. And I hate housework
4. I'm about to get a promotion that is good for my long term career. The downside is temporary.
5. My son is very happy at his school. The teachers are dedicated and they adore him.
6. I've written three novels. Most people don't finish writing a novel. "Pat on back, becstar, now go on, write another, - 'fail again, fail better.'"
7. The sun is shining and I'm about to pack a picnic for my family and I to take to the park.
8. I love my DH sooo much - we laugh together all the time.
9. My DS is happy and healthy and brings so much joy...

Oh hang on, it was only supposed to be seven . But, look, I've gone all smiley when I was starting to feel a bit low from writing down those negatives. A 'three things' gratitude journal only takes a few minutes each evening and it honestly makes a huge difference to my outlook. I highly recommend it. And that practice of whenever I say something negative about my lot in life, I counter it with a positive immediately. It does help.

What a great post becstar.

What a lovely thread.

I was thinking this morning that we are happy with our lot and how lucky we are. We dont have much money, and DH has just been made redundant again, but we are happy. We dont get to eat out, or go on days out because they are too expensive but we have a very nice little house, a holiday every year (courtesy of Mr Tesco).

Thank you Becstar, your post is lovely and very interesting. vara good on you for feeling happy too.

It's heartening to hear others are feeling good about life too, in similar circumstances.

I'm really spurred on by hearing that other people have 'learned' to feel happy with their lot (as opposed to always bring that way). I've had a tendency to worry, and feel low in the past, but it seems that I have managed to put these thoughts to the back of my mind and feel very content (for now).

Me and DP dropped out of the rat race, sold the house in the south east and bought a cheaper one outright in a rural area. I freelance now and DP is not earning much. Tbh I would rather have a small house that is fully paid off than bust my gut to earn more money to pay for things that display my status, just to compete with people who I don't actually like very much.

YANBU.

Thank you

I agree that happiness can definitely be 'learned'. I love the Ted talk by Dan Gilbert here on the 'surprising science of happiness'.

Obviously sometimes it's hard to 'choose happiness' - for instance when you're in the middle of a crisis someone telling you to 'think positive' is liable to get a slap around the chops! But once the crisis passes, how you talk to yourself about it makes a huge difference IME.

Money makes us happy up to a certain point - it's hard to be happy when you're cold, hungry or don't have anywhere safe to sleep. But once the basics are covered money doesn't bring any extra happiness - just look at the poor Rausings (the Tetra Pak couple with crack addiction). People often cite their lack of money as the reason they're unhappy. But I've noticed that many of the people citing that lack of money is making them unhappy are people who have a LOT more money than me - so it's not the money, it's whatever the money represents (eg status anxiety, or a sense of being 'hard done to', or anxiety about 'measuring up' against peers).

We couldn't afford our usual camping holiday in France this year, so we went camping in the UK. As we were packing up to leave DS said 'This has been the best holiday of my ENTIRE life, please can we do this again?'. And I realised that it had been my best holiday too. And the cheapest.

Right, better go and pack this picnic - once again, costs nothing to make sandwiches and take them to the park, but what a lovely thing it is...

becstargazeypie, the whole 'aspirational' thing isn't all it's cracked up to be. Consumerism just breeds ever increasing anxiety as people become ever so concerned with what their lifestyle says about themselves...if that makes any sense.

I totally agree LesleyP, consumerism creates anxieties which we try to solve by buying more useless possessions, which is never the solution to the real problem, and so it goes on. We are encouraged to compare ourselves to unrealistic fantasies or people who appear to have it all and you always come up short.

Taken from one of my favorite poems Desiderata:

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Check out the whole poem - its amazingly inspirational and true.

This is a wonderful forum, I am so glad I decided to read it :)

or "piss factory " a poem/song by PATTI SMITH