Would like to know about alternatives to counselling?

[two2blackcats]

I a having such a hard time, but counselling has never helped in the past. I did go to see someone a few weeks ago and explained this and I asked about possible CBT but she said it wouldn't be helpful for me at the moment because there was so much to work through first which we'd "have" to do in counselling.

I need help but I am not sure how to access it because I am not sure of the different types of help out there.

Does anybody have any ideas?

lol, in some ways probably easier what isn't!!

I have an eating disorder but unhelpfully it isn't anorexia/bulimia but I cannot eat 'normally' (and I really do mean I can't, on my DCs lives I have tried believe me.)

horrifically low self esteem, believe everyone is better than me.

childhood emotional abuse (but I don't know because everything is so jumbled and confused and contradicts itself, and what doesn't help is my dad bellowing to this day about what an incredible childhood I had, and he really does believe that if you see what I mean.)

no sex drive at all, I don't enjoy sex, I don't instigate sex and I dislike it.

Thanks for asking.

What sort of counselling have you had in the past, 2blackcats?

psychodynamic therapists are good.

Thumbwitch, I am not sure what it is called, just general counselling with a qualified counsellor - they've been nice people but I haven't felt any different and nothing has changed.

Thanks solesource, what does that involve?

I sounds like you need to sack your councellor. There is no reason why you can not try out CBT today. (Assuming you have time!)

There are different types of councelling and pychotheraphy. What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. Some councellors are completely and utterly up their own arses and take it personally when their approach is unsuited to their client.

If you want to have a taste of what CBT is like you could try

www.livinglifetothefull.com

Its free and you got nothing to lose. CBT is not a magic bullet, but it has helped a lot of people. Childhood emotional abuse can really distort your thinking. I have found CBT fanastic. It has helped me think clearly and realise that my parents speak complete bollocks.

Another approach that might be helpful to you is to try human givens.

www.amazon.co.uk/depression-Fast-Human-Givens-Approach/dp/1899398414

It explains why we get depressed and what you can do help lift yourself out of it. We all have needs that have to be met inorder to have good mental health. I found it helpful doing an emotional needs audit and looking at ways of meeting such emotional needs.

I found that person centred councelling has made worse. The emotional arousing aspect has made me more stressed and upset. Also I have found it very easy to become emotionally dependent on the councellor, which can end up being more of a problem than the orginal problem I started out with.

I think that for deep seated problems self help books may not be enough. However reading a book gives you a taste whether you think a councelling approach will work for you or not.

I hope this helps

It's true, different people suit different styles of counselling.

If you're having troubles going back to the traumas of your past and don't feel comfortable doing it, then psychodynamic counselling is not going to be nice for you as it relies on dealing with past/childhood issues to move forward. One of the criticisms of it has been that it brings all the issues into the open but may not actually give you the tools to deal with them once they're out.

Person centred counselling can be a pretty slow process, as it lets you move at your own pace and bring up what you want to when you want to - it can take a good 2 years to break down enough of your carefully-constructed walls to allow you to start really facing your issues - but you can achieve good healing if you're prepared to take the time for it.

CBT is a good sticking-plaster option in that it can help you deal with your current behaviour and change it, but may or may not actually achieve long-term change, because sometimes the sticking-plaster isn't big enough to achieve deep enough healing. Other times it is. You can't know until you try it - but the other potential disadvantage is that you may only get 6 sessions, especially via the NHS, and that may not be enough.

Then there are other things that may be useful to take the trauma out of your memories so that it's easier for you to re-examine your past and move on - these are not counselling techniques so much as therapy, and they have a varied reaction on here:
EFT (emotional freedom technique) and TFT (thought field therapy): much of a muchness, these two - both involve self healing techniques when the emotional intensity of the recollections gets too much, called "tapping". Very useful in PTSD.
NLP (Neurolinguistic programming) - often used by life coaches but can be a very valid therapy as well - very good at removing the emotional intensity from the recollections and some very good techniques for "fixing" the past. You'd need to find a proper therapist, not a life coach though. Also good for behavioural change, achievable quickly but the cleansing of past issues can make it more of a deep-healing than CBT.

I hope that's helpful - that's pretty much the sum of my knowledge and training on it!

two2blackcats

CBT is about changing your thought processes. It can be very effective. I've had it and think it's brilliant. Part of the process is learning the skills so you can use them yourself and become independent.

The Australian National University psychology department have a free online programme for teaching people with depression CBT coping techniques. It's very good, I've used it myself.

moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Give it a go.

Good luck.

Thanks thumbwitch, that's really interesting and very thorough. I have to admit my first instincts were that I couldn't be helped, that I have to learn to live with things, I just hope I can do a better job for my own children x

Agree about psychodynamic. Had it for sixteen months and I have stopped as I felt so, so better and different. I naturally realise I need to move on more so looking for cbt therapist soon.

To some extent we all have to 'learn to live with things', but that doesn't mean that negative experiences and events in our lives should restrict or prevent us from becoming all that we can be.

There are several ongoing and long-going threads on the Relationships board that may be of help to you, and I suggest you report this post and ask for it to be moved to that board where you'll find many others who will understand where you're coming from and will help you move forward with greater confidence in yourself.

If you want to try EFT (the emotional freedom tapping technique that Thumb has mentioned) for free go to youtube, seach 'Brad Yates', and click on whatever title has resonance for you.

It only takes a matter of minutes to repeat Brad's words and actions and you may find that using the technique once or twice a day wlll begin to release some of the intensity of your emotions and alleviate some of your fears, but there is no limit to how many different Brad Yates videos you can tune into in any one day or how many times you can tune into any one of them.

I hope that in time you will come to understand that no-one is better than you and that your right to be on this planet is as valid as that of anyone else.

I tried EFT, it really didn't work at all, I just found it silly and embarrassing but my counsellor obviously expected it would work. Thank you, though. I read relationships regularly but I have tried and nothing at all seems to help me or make me feel different, I'm not miserable all the time or anything but I suppose some things just have too much of an effect and you can't undo them once they're done.

You can get the book and try CBT on your own. I have it somewhere but can't remember what its called exactly. Sure if you typed it in amazon it would come up.

possibly, I'm not even sure where to begin lol.

I am for the most part resigned to it I think and just try to make life as good as possible for the DCs but every now and again I think I want to feel better but then I realise I can't, and that's horrible.

You sound defeated and defeatist and carrying the dead weight of the past around while you try to make a better life for your dc is an unutterably sad place to be.

Doing anything out of the ordinary in public can be embarrassing but sometimes we need to feel the fear and do it anyway in order to progress our personal growth.

Whatever ages your dc are, buy them Brad Yates' book 'The Wizard's Wish' and make tapping a game that you participate in too which may give you the confidence to tap in private without feeling like a complete tit and may help you connect with the magic that's in you.

We get one shot at this life, honey, and that's all the reason you need to stop existing and start living.

medication. walking. DBT. look into that last one, if you haven't already. it's very positive.

tapping didn't work at all, I did find it embarrassing but that wasn't the reason it didn't work, I was totally open to trying anything but then we tapped, my counsellor said "how does that feel now, is it lower than a 10 in importance?" and by the look on her face she obviously expected it to be. hopefully I won't do to my children what was done to me, they'll be all right and that's the main thing. x

The counsellor is not right about needing to talk it through before having CBT. IMO.

I went straight into CBT and talked through everything there - yes, the aim of CBT is to change your thought processes, but if you have been though abuse (as I have) it is likely a lot of the bad processes come from that, so you need to talk through it anyway in order to understand them

two2blackcats,

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

It is a hard position to be dealing with the emotional fall out of your childhood and being a parent yourself. The fact that you are making a deilberate attempt to be different means that you are a different mother. I think that CBT would be an excellent approach for you and I suggest starting with the "Living life to the full Website". It will tell you how to get started.

I think that CBT will help ally the worries that you have about parenting your own children.

Reading about human givens will help you understand your emotional needs in the here and now. There is no point in ruminating about the past as reliving bad memories just makes many people feel worse.

There are hundreds of different types of councelling/ pychotheraphy and they all claim to be the solution for all ills.

It sounds as if, for whatever reason, you didn't connect with the counsellor and I can understand why you would have found tapping embarrassing, and no doubt somewhat disconcerting, if you were continually being asked to rate it's effect.

Use youtube to tap away unobserved in the privacy of your own home to whatever Brad Yates video title has some resonance for you.

I've got no more and no less self-confidence issues than the average joe in the street and I use Brad Yates 'tap of the morning' to set me up if I've got a particularly challenging day ahead and 'tap of the evening' to destress before bedtime.

I'm not saying that tapping works for everyone, but it can be a useful tool to begin to release long-held and deep-seated emotional trauma and bring about a change of perspective and attitude.

As Brad Yates' youtube videos are free to view, you've got nothing to lose by trying a few.

I'd love to chew the fat over a cup of java with Brad - if only all counsellors were like him...

This is a fanastic book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Brilliant-Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Lifeskills/dp/0273724908

I managed to get a pay rise out of Hertfordshire County Council using the techniques in this book.