AIBU To be upset with my dm

[Littlegreenbear]

there have been smoking issues between me and my dm ever sinse dd was born and it's really getting me down

I wouldn't usually post and ask opinions as my own opinion of this is so strong I have just done what felt right to me (and my dh) but things have got so bad between me and dm that I think I just need to ask a 3rd party's opinion and maybe see what you would do

When dd (14mths) was born I asked my mum (as well as other smoking GP's) to wearing smoking jacket, wash hands and not hold dd for a while after a cigarette. This was ok for the first few weeks then my dm started to think it was ok to hold dd straight after she smoked and kiss her all over her face . I have tried to educate dm about why I have asked her to take these measures but she just doesn't understand and even accused me of having PND!

I just see it as my dd doesn't have a choice as she is yet too young to make them for herself so I protect as much as I can from exposure to cigarette smoke. All other GP's that smoke are fine with what me and dh ask, it's just my dm that makes a huge issue about how I am fussy and stopping her from bonding with her GC. She thinks this because I visit her house less often and I haven't left dd with her on her own very often (due to the smoking). My dm literally can't go more than an hour without a cig, generally every half hour so I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving dd if my dm needs a cig this often.

It really bothers me that my dm has taken it upon herself that wearing a smoking jacket is no longer necessary and doesn't even bother washing her hands after smoking anymore.....it's got to where I avoid seeing her as I just think how hard is it to wear a jacket when smoking and wash hands...it would save me stressing out and feeling anxious everytime she has a cigarette then goes straight over to dd afterwards. It is my dm's choice to smoke...my dd doesn't have a choice if she is exposed to it at such a small age, so that's for me to do that for her.

I have tried talking to dm many times but she just doesn't see my point of view and thinks I'm just fussy. I understand i may seem fussy but the crap that cigs contain I just don't see it's worth exposing my dd to. I don't think what I ask her (and other smoking GP's to do) is unreasonable.

Dm is also upset that dd hasn't had a sleepover at her house yet. Dm smokes around 30 a day and she also smokes upstairs in the bedrooms so there's no way I would be comfortable with dd stopping over the night in a smoky house. I know dm wouldn't smoke in the house when dd is there but the bedding and atmosphere is still smokey. I don't think she realises how smokey it is and says I only notice as I am a non smoker and that it's not that bad...dd hasn't stopped over at any GP's houses yet but they are all smokers that smoke in their houses. I would never expect people not to smoke in their own houses but surely my dm should understand why I wouldn't want dd to stop in a smokers house and respect that.

I go visit my dm and she smokes in the garden while dd is there but it still bothers me that she doesn't use a smoking jacket and wash her hands and then goes straight up to dd for cuddles afterward sometimes.....

Am I over reacting?? I'd hate to think I am stopping my DD bonding with her GP (my dm has said she has felt I am doing this) but I see it as my dm is stopping that bond by been unreasonable and not respecting what I ask after she smokes. I was always so close to my GP's and I want my DD to experience that too. But is putting dd's health at risk worth it..... I have always done as my mum has asked about everything in life but when I has my own DD I made decisions for myself and I think that may also be part of the problem. My dm is used to everyone thinking she is right about everything so I think it's a shock to her that I am going with my own instints for once.

One example is When DD first arrived my dm said it was ok to smoke at the door and blow it out. I explained I wan't happy with that and it wasn't until there was an advert stating smoking should not be done at the door with a baby in the room that she respected what I said....I just wish she wild respect how I feel about regardless of what an advert says. Then one time when dd was 10 weeks old I did leave her with dm while I nipped out and came back and my mum was smoking at the door so completely disrespected what I asked.

It makes me so sad cos me and my dm were so close but it's got to where We are worlds apart.

So AIBU.....I just feel so strongly that smoking is a choice and my dd hasn't got that choice yet so I have to do it for her.

At 14 months old should a smoking jacket still be worn by relatives wanting to cuddle her afterward or am I over fussy?

Sorry for the Long post. This has been going on for too long now and I just don't see an end to it. We always end up arguing about smoking among other ways I bring dd up.....

Thanks, any opinions appreciated

Show your mum the stats of the percentage of cot deaths related having a smoking relative. I beleive it is implicated in something like over three quarters of cot deaths.

The disagreements initially started as I was worried about SIDS and exposure to cigarrette smoke...now my dm thinks I'm been neurotic as dd is over 1yr old so she doesn't see there's anything to worry about

She has a choice.
Follow your rules or not see her DGD.
TBH if it were me, there would be no smoking in or around my house at all, let alone smoking jackets and hand washing.

She can complain all she likes, but what is more important to her?

Dc will not be inhaling cigarette smoke if no one smokes with her in the house. But the left over smell of smoke etc will do her no harm. Only actually breathing in cig smoke will. What is the purpose if her washing her hands and wearing a special jacket? The smell of smoke isn't harmful. I think yabu.

People who smoke give out poisons in their breath and off their clothes for approx. 12 hours after. The poison in the breath is enough to cause serious harm to a child. That is why there is such strong recommendations that anyone who has smoked at any stage during the day should not sleep in the same room as a baby. It is very dangerous.The OP is doing what she can to set up ruitenes by which it is possible for a chain smoker to spend time with her GD. In my opinion she is being extremely generous, but he mum isn't prepared to meet her halfway on this at all, so like a previous poster I would seriously consider banning her totally from smoking while visiting her daughters house.

YANBU having lost a baby to SIDS I can tell you it is the shittiest most horrific thing to ever go through, and it can still happen at 14 months old. Good for you for standing by your rule and protecting your baby.

Really it shouldn't matter what rules you and your hubby have though, you could state that you only want people to wear gloves or anything else that people may deem ridiculous, they should still stick to what choice you make for your child regardless of their feelings about it.

It is her choice to smoke so she has to deal with the consequences.
MIL is a chain smoker. As soon as I got pregnant, she stopped smoking around me. As soon as I had DS, she stopped smoking in her own house whether we were there or not, and always made sure she washed her hands before she held him, and waited at least half an hour before holding him after a cigarette. She did this without me or DH asking her to and as a result we trusted her to look after him regularly.
Your mum needs to realise this and it's no good bleating on about not bonding if she's not prepared to do something about it.

You would love my MIL then! She is a chain smoker and literally smokes one way after the other. When our first DC was born I made DP phone her to say she couldn't smoke in the house while we were visiting. Initially she did this but then it slipped to smoking at the door and ended in her smoking while DD was on her lap . And DD was under 1 at this point.

I am torn over this TBH. I can see where you are coming from but I think you are being a little PFB with the insisting on smoking jacket etc every time but I agree with you on the not letting DC sleep over.

I let it go in the end with MIL. No I didn't like it but for the very short time she was exposed to cigarette smoke was probably no more damaging than being exposed to car fumes more often.

Also, it ya not the smell that is damaging but as cigarette smoke contains very sticky tar which sticks to everything, the harmful chemicals in turn stick to this and are slowly released. This is known as third hand smoke.

sids isn't discussed after 12 mths as it is then described as scds (sudden child death syndrome) and after 16 or 18 yo (not sure which) sads (sudden adult death syndrome) it is obviously rarer and rarer as you get older and causes and factors involved change too.

yanbu - your mother wants to see dd more - well thems the rules

My dm is used to everyone thinking she is right about everything so I think it's a shock to her that I am going with my own instints for once.

I think this ^^ is really your problem, rather than the smoking.

its your baby your choice. coming from a smoker, I would respect your wishes. My kids dont know I smoke, i go all day gasping until they have gone to bed. If I can do it she can. Its your baby not hers.

my mum is the same and wont listen so now we hardly see her, maybe once a month for alf an hour

Thanks for all yor replys.
I knew we all wouldn't agree as to whether the smoking is an issue but it seems the majority don't think I'm neurotic and over the top. I actually think i'm quite reasonable about it ....but thought I'd see what people think. I know people who ask smoking relatives to shower and change clothes before handling infants so I don't think a bit of a hand wash is too much to ask....

krumbum the purpose of washing hands and smoking jacket is to reduce the exposure to dd as much as is possible, then dm can take off the jacket and hopefully get rid of most of the chemicals that can be potentially inhaled by my dd. Tbh....it's a compromise and I'd prefer my dm not to smoke at all while we visit but that's just not an option as I'd have to not visit at all with her addiction been a once every half hour thing. And besides she refuses the smoking jacket thing that is why I do avoid going round and our relationship has become strained.

Yep I may have pfb...but how hard is it to wear a smoking jacket and wash hands after a cig? 3rd hand smoke may just be a neologism....but to me it's not worth the risk as smoking is a choice thing and my dd doesn't have choice if her elders expose her to it.

lemonpie7 that was what I believed too regarding breathing out toxins and the fact they are on clothes ect

missymoomoomee so sorry to hear of your loss . Can't even imagine what u must have gone through xx

sharksandfishes my IL's are smokers too....however they have always respected what me and dh have asked and I feel that when dd is with them that they would stil respect our wishes. They don't even bother smoking if they come over or we go to see them and it's not that we've asked them not to but they just don't anyway.

wilsonfrickett I agree - the smoking is the biggest issue though. There are many things dm expected me to do as she would and not make my own opinions about. I guess When dd arrived my own mothers instinct kicked in.

mamamibbo that's how it's getting with me and dm and we were once so close, it's isn't it. but the constant arguments about how I am fussy and don't do things right make me want to avoid dm and the confrontation.

Anyway thinks for all your replys. I knew not everyone would agree re the smoking 'rules' but I do feel I'm not asking a lot. As u can see there are other issues also but it was smoking that was the biggy between me and dm!

Yep I may have pfb...but how hard is it to wear a smoking jacket and wash hands after a cig? 3rd hand smoke may just be a neologism....but to me it's not worth the risk as smoking is a choice thing and my dd doesn't have choice if her elders expose her to it.
Btw that was supposed to be a paragraph in its own right and not a reply to krumbum!! :-)

Yanbu OP.
If she complains she is unable to bond with her GC there's a very simple answer to that. Give up smoking. Statistically it also means she'd be more likely to see more of her precious GC's life.

Is there any possibility you could ask her to accompany you to your local surgery and have the nurse give you a lecture on the evils of cig smoke on babies and young children? Or perhaps your health visitor? I am just wondering - if she wont listen to you, might a health professional have better luck?

Sorry you are having such a hard time with this - your DM sounds like an ignoramus!

YANBU. And I saw that as a smoker myself. Wearing jackets or different clothes, washing hands, cleaning teeth etc are all very standard things to do and I'm surprised that someone doesn't know this nowadays. Even though I know how hard it is to cut down or not smoke, I have always tried my hardest to not smoke when with babies and, if say it was a day long visit and I really wanted a cigarette, I would always accept that that meant I couldn't play with the baby/child for a good half an hour.

There is no age limit for smoking not being dangerous, so you are not being pfb!

However it is difficult as I can see how your mum (while being VU) could think this is an utterly ridiculous reason to cut or limit contact. Could you find some information online about the risks of second-hand smoke to babies and print it out for her to read? Try and have a sensible discussion about why this is so important to you, how hurtful it is that she won't listen to your requests? I suppose the key point is if she is willing to put her nicotine addiction above her relationship with her gc...

YANBU at all. Basically she doesn't like being told what to do. Perhaps she is also taking it as a criticism of her smoking around you as a child?

YANBU.
If any of DDs parents smoked, (they don't,) I would not take my DD to visit them in their house. And I would not let them have her unsupervised either.
If smoking is more important to your DM than being round her grandchild and being alive long enough to watch them grow up then that is their problem.
Frankly I would tell her it's the fags or your grandchild. Choose.
(And I'm not bothered about getting flamed by other posters on this.)

Well done for sticking to your guns. I would react exactly the same. Your mother needs to sort her priorities... Her death sticks, or her grandchild!

Omfgkillmenow.. I think you're great for protecting your kids like that. I wish more people were like you... I see so many kids in buggies in town, surrounded by the whole family smoking.

YANBU at all.

MiL smoked when I met & married DH. When the boys came along we had some basic house rules - no smoking in or around the house (not even in the garden), no smoking in the car and no holding any babies until smoky clothes had been changed and hands washed. We didn't visit her in her house (she smoked at home and I wouldn't dream of telling her what she could and couldn't do in her own home) and if she wanted to see her DGC, she saw them in our house with our rules.

By the time eldest was 10 months old she'd quit. She feels better and she has a great relationship with her grandsons.

You're not stopping your mother have that grandparent bond - she is, by choosing to smoke.

My DS is 5 and we still ask that DMIL and DM smoke outside in their gardens and wash their hands afterwards. I don't allow smoking in my house and would rather people smoked outside away from the house when they visit.

As far as I am concerned they still smoke in front of him - he can see them. It was hilarious that he pretended to smoke with a carrot stick and I have no sense of humour .

I'm really surprised at the replies here. Often these type of posts get people's backs up because they assume someone is worrying too much and making a fuss. Personally I don't think you can worry too much when it comes to your child's health - cigarette smoke is one thing you can actually do something about. YANBU

I feel exactly as you do OP about smokers and smoking. I'm having issues with my downstairs neighbours at the moment as they smoke under my windows and the smoke comes straight up into my bedroom (where 18 month old DS also sleeps) even when the windows are shut. The woman smoked through her pregnancy and has a newborn baby so clearly doesn't know or doesn't care about the risks. But I do

my ILs smoke and I have huge issues with it. I'm currently pregnant and this time my rule will be 'if you smell of smoke you don't hold the baby this visit' - I don't care if it makes me seem precious or if that means family members missing out (FIL had had a cigarette on the way to the hospital when DS was born but it was MIL I smelt it on) - you are absolutely right that it is our duty to protect our children until they are old enough to protect themselves

I am now concerned about 3rd hand smoke after recent findings. I want to print something out in case I'm 'challenged' - does anyone have any good links on the dangers of 2nd and 3rd hand smoke?