To ask for a loan back when the recipient may think it mean of me to do so?

[MrsOpenWalletBackInTheDay]

Namedchanged as this would potentially out me to people who know me, but am regular poster. Seeing all the threads about money, loans, being skint etc tonight has made me think I would test out a money dilemma. Sorry, it goes on a bit.

DH and I have a long-standing friend of many years who has always earned relatively little, though his job has other perks. Have made him various loans in the past, which have been paid back, but also have paid for coffees, meals out etc many a time and not expected it back as we were better off. Things have changed in the last few years as DH lost his job, spent best part of a year unemployed then got a job but at much lower pay. He has now been made redundant a second time so while my job pays well, we are quite concerned about our financial future and tightening our belts.

Last year we lent friend £200 to do a specific thing which he couldn't afford. He said we would pay us back in instalments etc, we were quite easygoing about as we always had been because we were doing OK. However, since then we have had a very, very bad falling out, are no longer speaking and I am very doubtful we ever will be again. DH and I feel very upset and wronged by it - I believe friend feels the same way in relation to us. (Obviously I think we're in the right, but there you go ).

The £200 is still outstanding. Now we're not on our uppers yet but I can see a time coming when we will be glad of any extra money. I will be honest: I am very upset and angry still over the whole row so I'm not talking from a happy shiny serene place. Am I picking at the scab by asking for the money back? Even if I am, am I still within my rights to ask, or should I move on and write it off? I must admit that if we hadn't fallen out, I would probably not ask, even if I wanted to.

Morally, your friend should give you the money back, of course.

Realistically, many borrowers use a falling out as a convenient get-out clause when it comes to repaying debts. "Why should I pay those **s back" etc etc.

(Bitter voice of experience)

Good luck, but don't expect to see it again.

Well if you've fallen out, what is te harm in asking for the cash. Maybe you could be reasonable and ask for £100 now, and another £100 after the next pay date? Still nice of you.

Go and speak to him face to face and ask for it back. Don't bring the argument into it. Just ask him how he is and say things aren't good for you financially and you need to ask for that money back. If he was a good friend of long standing regardless of the argument he might be decent enough to pay you back, even in installments. Any evidence you gave him this money? Like a bank transfer? If he's not forthcoming you could then go through the small claims court as a last measure. Good luck. I've been there. Friends borrowed £500. I never asked for it back and they always seemed down on their luck even though they had moved to another country. Four years later they were talking about IVF and a car they bought and I thought hang on a minute where's my money! I asked for it back and they gave it back but it was uncomfortable. I think it was partly a cultural thing; I don't think they were trying to do me out of it but I felt in an awkward position having to ask for it back. You don't need to give any explanations for wanting your money back. I will never lend anyone anything again. It can ruin a friendship.

If he were the type of person who wouldn't want an outstanding debt, even to friends he's fallen out with, then it would have been paid back by now.

It's your money and you've every right to ask for it back, but it would look like you were doing it to punish him, which when he relates it to other people could be twisted into you being unreasonable.

I would write it off for now and either hope he repays without prompting, or you get on more friendly terms with him in the future and can ask.

But then Tabs post is a good way of going too, if you've fallen out you might as well stew with the extra cash in your bank rather than his

Been in this trap too many times ourselves.

I go by the mantra 'neither a borrower nor a lender be' - Dh on the other is a right soft touch.

I dont think it would be out of order to do nice phone call and say "fred, remember that £200 we lent you last year? well, it's like this, we need the money back, not immediately but if you could budget to give us the full amount over the next 2/3 months that would be great"

it does depend on your relationship, whether he is DHs friend, or yours and how up front you can be without coming across as aggressive or being antagonistic.

FWIW I'm not allowed to ask for our money back on account of I go for the jugular Poor Fred has such a hard time of it and we've really got a nicer life than him that would be him who spend every night in the pub pissing his wages up the wall

Thanks for the replies all.

Tabloipe Good idea with the face to face but hard to do as he lives some way away. The small claims court is also an idea for later on. We have a letter from him, with the date, thanking us for the loan and saying he would pay it back (though not mentioning the amount). I could also probably find the bank statement showing our bank transfer.

The fall out being so bad causes some difficulties in this respect. None of us are speaking and I don't see any likelihood that we will for a good while (years, probably, if ever). Our last communication was to send him a letter, which was ignored (sent recorded so we can be sure he got it). So I'm not even sure he would pick up the phone. Would have to dial 141 or something... I would probably do it by sending another letter, then if that gets no response and I was still feeling this way, go to small claims court. Mutual friends do speak to him but I wouldn't want to involve them.

AgentZigZag You make a good point about the sort of person he is. I think I have concluded, after the fall out, that somewhere in the past few years he has changed and is not the person I thought he was, anymore. He is probably rationalising about this and thinking 'well, Mr and MrsOpenWallet don't really need it, they won't miss it'. He doesn't know about DH's recent job loss, though he knew that our income was greatly reduced in last few years from what it had been before. Although I'm now wondering if he didn't really take that in, through being more self-centred than I realised at the time.

JumpingThroughHoops He's a close friend of us both (well, was). Think anything we do at this point will be seen as aggressive and antagonistic! He has bad-mouthed us to all his friends and family so whatever he then says can't be much worse! And, as AgentZigZag says, in that case at least we (might) get the cash back...

So, think my approach is going to be to leave it a bit longer (maybe till say October) and then think about writing a factual letter just saying that our circumstances have changed and we hadn't previously pushed to get the loan repaid but now we need to, and can he sort out repaying us. Does that sound ok?