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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not divulge daughter's GCSE grades to toxic members of family.

50 replies

hanginginthere1 · 17/08/2012 16:17

Hello everyone. First time posting, so here goes.
As you are no doubt aware, GCSE results out next week. I m seriously considering not divulging DD's grades to SIL. My niece is also expecting her results on that day. I am very confident that both girls will do very well, but unfortunately, my SIL is so jealous and insecure that I just know that she will do everything she can to bad mouth my daughter and her achievements. God forbid that DD does" better "than my niece. To make matters worse MIL also gets in the middle of this in a sort of run with the hare and the hounds kind of way.
The whole situation drives me mad. SIL has always been jealous of me and my two girls. She is jealous, manipulative and insecure. She particularly dislikes OH[she is his brother's wife]. Apparently, he has never paid her enough attention. She has absolutely no reason to be jealous, pots of money, holidays, lovely house. She speaks to MIL in a really disrespectful way. There have been numerous incidents/situations over 20 very long years. Unfortunately, she never says anything to our faces, so it is difficult to really go for the jugular, although I have come close. MIL also needs to take her share of the blame. She is absolutely terrified of her, but is reluctant to stand up to her since she once threatened that she would not see her grandchildren again.
Most of the time, I just dismiss her as a silly little girl, but every now and again, the situation really winds me up. Waiting for GCSE's is hard enough without her stirring things up, and being so un kind.
Everthing that we do as a family, she either copies, or she has already done it, but better. I just can't cope with this competing over children and their achievements.
I am determined not to stoop to her level, but give me strength, it is sometimes so difficult. Any advice etc gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 17/08/2012 17:32

you won't be able to keep results quiet for long, they'll be in the papers. just go with it.

JumpingThroughHoops · 17/08/2012 17:38

In the papers? each child? individually?

Not unless you live on a very very far away Outer Hebredean Island with a school with two pupils it wont! Or you're an 11yo mathematical genius who has just passed his third A level.

hanginginthere1 · 17/08/2012 17:38

WL
That's my point. I have told MIL that we refuse to complete, there is no competition. A nd there isn't. Both DD and my niece will do well, and I am happy with that. I am not the one who is constantly passing nasty remarks to a third party. My daughter is aware of how her aunty can be, she has seen it with her own eyes.
It is feasible that they may not find out the results, they live a long way from us.

OP posts:
Musomathsci · 17/08/2012 17:45

Jumping - re kids getting different results - this is a really tricky one, especially if they are close in age. I think you have to go down the route of praising the effort they have made (if appropriate) and not make a big song and dance over the results - good grades are a reward in themselves, IYSWIM. We rewarded ours with a big present at the end of the exam session to say well done on getting through it all, and kept the results day fairly low key - well done, now let's move on, what's next?

Whatdoiknowanyway · 17/08/2012 17:46

Jumping - Just had second daughter through A levels. We've always celebrated their differences and they do recognise each other's strengths and weaknesses so are ok about dealing with differing grades. Both are academic, both are sporty but one is higher achieving in a different area to the other and vice versa. Thankfully they have always been happy for each other and brought any insecurity to their dad or to me for reassurance rather than clashing with each other.

Now my brother is a different matter altogether. Well meaning but loves to tell us in great detail about his children's many successes. It's got to the stage where I'll tell my sisters any good news but I'll think twice about telling him as he will always, always try to trump it with something one of his has done. I think that type of competition diminishes the successes so I content myself with, for example, 'she did really well and got the uni place she wanted'. However if asked outright I always give the grades immediately and proudly. I know my child worked hard and earned the grades. What anyone else's child did is immaterial andi won't diminish their achievement by seeming reluctant to say what they got.

Viviennemary · 17/08/2012 17:51

I would just share the results. People can be annoying and competitive. Even worse when it's an adult. You'd think they'd know better.

hanginginthere1 · 17/08/2012 18:11

Yes, you would like to think they'd know better.
Hard not to re act when MIL states, 'I hope x's results[DD] are as good as Y's[my niece}'

OP posts:
oooohhhhyes · 17/08/2012 22:45

reply to MiL; "oh, we're trying to bring them up with better values than that, don't worry" with warm, kind smile.

madda · 17/08/2012 22:47

2 things:

  1. I think it's your job as her mother to make a fuss of her on results day, no matter WHAT grades she gets, and no matter WHAT your family members say
  1. I think you need to zone out a little bit to the antics of your extended family, they are not your priority, your immediate family are.
bobbledunk · 17/08/2012 23:35

Share your daughters success and ignore your sil.

Woopdiedoo · 18/08/2012 00:32

I have a very competitive SIL unfortunately, so I can totally relate to you on how irritating it is. I never rise to her but it can be hurtful to sit through a conversation with her where she belittles you for anything and everything just to make herself out to be the 'winner'.. Now we both have DCs (and one each that will be in the same school year) she has started to use them in her games. I already know that this could well be my type of post in 15 years time. I think you've already been given some very good advice but just wanted to say I sympathise.

ImperialBlether · 18/08/2012 00:46

I think this is entirely up to your daughter. If she wants to put her results on Facebook or tell her relatives over the phone, that's fine. Otherwise, I think it's better to say, "She did really well and she's taking X, Y and Z at A level."

I would hate either child to feel bad about their results.

hanginginthere1 · 18/08/2012 09:48

Thank you Woopdiedoo. I do manage to zone out for 99% of the time, but Iget really irritated when SIL attempts to use my children in her pathetic games.
I fully intend to celebrate my daughter's success.
OH has informed his Mum that we do not want to hear any tales of nastiness from SIL. We do not want her name mentioned in our house. We decided on this course of action after hearing that she takes every opportunity to have a go not just at OH and myself, but at our 2 daughters too.
There are many more things in the background concerning SIL that I wouldn't want to bore you all with.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 18/08/2012 12:34

Jumping, it's 'Hebridean'.
That is insulting. (I DON'T live on a scottish island, by the way.)
OP I sympathise with you too. It's very hard not to feel irritated by ongoing situations like that. Not in the same league but my MIL recently got facebook. She requested DD as a friend, which DD accepted but then MIL didn't complete the process required to add DD as her friend. The other grandchildren are FB friends with her. DD did quite well in her recent exams. The other grandchild did extremely well. I wasn't making a big thing of DD's exams as she didn't work very hard for them and next year is much more important anyway. However MIL heard DD's results from another grandchild and promptly posted them on her FB page. She hasn't been in contact with DD or any of us though. Not even slightly important in the grand scheme of things but as it's one of several things over the years it's really irritated me.
Hope you have fun celebrating :)

Jelly15 · 18/08/2012 12:38

Your SIL will assume your DD didn't do as well as expected and you're trying to hide that fact.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 18/08/2012 12:42

What is insulting about living in a small community?

This place bemuses me daily

hanginginthere1 · 18/08/2012 12:53

yes, we have had the Facebook stalking too.

OP posts:
lambethlil · 18/08/2012 12:57

MIL sounds the problem. My mil is similar and I refuse to discuss anything about SILS family. We all get on fine so long as she's not running between us.
Careful your daughter doesn't get caught up in the middle of this. She has the right for you to be thinking of none else but her.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 14:11

My (Ex)MIL is the exact opposite. All results are down-played to the point that you wonder if any of the grandpips actually took any exams. No childhood or adult achievement is celebrated, ever. My mother's the same, come to think of it...

Oooh, spooky.

peeriebear · 18/08/2012 14:19

Our local paper prints all the GCSE and A level results from the secondary schools and college every year. We are not an Outer Hebridean island, we are a town of 40,000 people.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 14:21

Oh, my local paper has a special results supplement (large place, north-east). I think that's pretty normal.

chocoluvva · 18/08/2012 16:28

Goodness! I know my small local paper used to publish exam results but I didn't think papers would still do that. I'm surprised that personal info like that is allowed to be made public. I assume the actual grades aren't printed.
Jumping, I inferred from your remark about the Outer Hebrides that ONLY small places with nothing more newsworthy to write about would print individual exam results.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 16:31

Yes, the local paper prints names, schools, subjects and actual grades. The schools must give them the information. I think they only print 'passes' though, but I'd have to check.

samandi · 18/08/2012 20:19

Why does the family need to know all the results anyway? Confused It's up to your daughter really.

McHappyPants2012 · 18/08/2012 20:31

it's up to your DD if she wants to share her results.

what about the data protection act, how are they allowed to print each young adult results out.

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