To feel that my marriage is over

[Capabilitymom]

Knew the family business was having problems and had suggested and even begged DH to get advice. Told more or less to mind my own business especially as his brother dealt with the books etc.
Have now discovered overdraft is huge, creditors are many and DH's brother has been using company credit card to pay all sorts of bills unrelated to company.
Am worried sick about the debt, have taken over the paperwork myself , am dealing with the creditors and have to live with a man who has caused such a catastrophe in our lives through sheer arrogance and stupidity.
He resents me asking questions about bills, contracts etc but that is the only way I know what is going on.
Have felt really down for weeks but when I feel like giving up I think of my 2 daughters and just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, tackling the next problem as it comes.
On top of this I have no respect left for DH - his attitude has been so selfish and childish. Would leave except I'm a director of the company and feel I need to sort the mess out for all our sakes.
Sorry post is so long but can't burden my family with this as they are worried sick already.

It sounds like such an awful position to be in

But as annoyed as you are, do you still love each other?

If so, that's not a bad base to start with in sorting out the financial mess.

Do you think he's acting this way because he's embarrassed in some way that it came to this and he doesn't know how to sort it himself?

You are probably right. He has always hated paperwork, which is fine, but he has depended on his brother far too much. I have always felt that the brother's opinion mattered more than mine, but this is serious stuff now.
It is taking so much effort to manage the household finances, the business and try to act normal around my children that I have no energy to even have feelings towards him. We are just co existing at the minute.
I do hope things get better but I don't feel I will ever respect him again.
Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it.

Is there any chance you could sit him down and perhaps explain how serious it is without an accusatory tone? I'm not saying you'd use an accusatory tone by the way but perhaps he might be sensitive to it?

He obviously put a lot of faith into his brother and now it's all gone pear shaped.

Business is hard but family business is way harder because stupid loyalties get in the way.

I do hope you can get through this...but in order to do so he's going to have to recognise his mistakes.

it is just money.

i couldn't care less if me and DH with the DC lived in 1 room as long as we are together.

i love DH and i would moved heaven and earth before my DC got taken from me.

It's not just about the money.
Quite apart from the fact we have less money coming in each week, he has paid company bills on 3 personal credit cards which I knew nothing about.
Another bank account that I thought was in credit is actually overdrawn as well.
It would be bad enough to have discovered this out of the blue, but I have been worried and asking questions for months and have been repeatedly lied too.
So it's actually more about the trust issue and the fact that even now he hasn't really changed his attitude. If we make it out of this, it will be down to me.

to me i have to be able to trust my husband, i hate lies

It's about security, I assume being Ltd if the co went down personal assets were protected yet your DH has tried to dig it out of the mire by taking on crippling personal debt?

I'd kill him for risking my children's home and feel betrayed. Practically have you thought about protecting yourself? Have them agree to sign to strike you off as a director and shareholder then transfer the house, car, good accounts etc into just your name? I'd speak to a solicitor?

Then you can still work at saving the wreckage, tell your DH if there is love their to save you will try when there is less pressure, maybe go to relate, understand his side.

I would also expect him to relieve the burden in other ways in the household. Don't make snap decisions now your head isn't right but do be honest don't let it grow and fester.

I'd be furious. But I'd also be practical, and it sounds like you are. I think you are right to try to sort out the financial mess and then come back to deal with the emotional mess, partly because the stakes are so high (and I agree with Softly, btw, about separating business from family and protecting things for your children), and partly because until the finances are past 'crisis point', you probably aren't going to be able to deal with the emotional side properly: I think it will be hard to even tell whether you still love DH when you are so angry and afraid for your future.

I second flow. You cannot address the relationship now. A word of advice on the brother? Your DH, not you, has to be the one to reprimand the brother and sack him. That is very important for you and for your DH and for what ever future you have with that family. Good luck, think long term.

Thanks for all your replies. It's nice to hear someone else's view on it. My own family are so angry with him especially as they know I have been so worried about the company for months.
Flow4 got it absolutely right - I don't even know if I still love him. He will always be a great dad, but I don't feel I can trust him anymore and I still have to stop him writing cheques we can't afford.
My life consists now of tackling one problem after another and worrying constantly about finances. Unfortunately if the company is in trouble you can't remove yourself from the directorship, so I am legally 50% accountable for this mess.
Just feeling sorry for myself as I have to be strong when dealing with creditors and accountants, have to pretend everything will be OK in front of the kids and then I head off for a quick cry, then start again.
Hopefully all will eventually be OK.

Let me get this straight. You have a company, you are one of the directors, your brother in law has been doing accounts. He has been paying personal bills with his credit cards, and your husband has been paying company bills with his personal cards. Your husband has effectively taken money from the family , or gone into debt to subsidize his brother.

Do you use an accountant at all? Do you have any accounting experience?

How are their salaries paid? Can your brothers expenditure on the company card be classified as "Peters" Personal expenses, or Dividends, so that this will count together with his full remuneration? Or can he repay the company the money he borrowed? Can the company repay your husband the bills he has settled on his personal cards on behalf of the company?

If you are going for insolvency (which it sounds like, as there are no more funds left in the company to trade, and I gather you have creditors), then at least on paper you could show that the company owes your dh wages.

But, it it irresponsible to mix personal and company finances like your dh and brother has done. They have also been irresponsible in lying to you, if you are a company director. There is a certain responsibility attached to this, why are you only involving yourself now? Have you all drawn salaries and dividends beyond the company's means?

As a director, you have a duty to act in the company's best interests. If DH's brother has effectively been defrauding the company, then the company may be entitled to make a claim against him to try to recover the £, but you'd need proper advice on that

Where is the brother in all this... can you get any money back from him?

I would be devastated, I need to be able to trust my DH.

Concentrate on just getting through this for the DC, and think about your marriage when life stabilizes a little .