To want to challenge my mum about her violence towards my dad?

[rubyblue]

My mum is depressed and alcoholic, she has been like this since I was about ten years old. She has been violent towards my dad the whole time when she is drunk and in a rage. I have seen her punch, slap, kick him, throw things at his head, push him downstairs. He never retaliates and will not leave or seek help.
I thought it had improved but found out he has a black eye and bruised head. I am so angry at her and distraught for my dad. I have tried over the years to help them both, but mum refuses to even discuss it and pretends it is not happening. They are getting old now and think they both lack any confidence to leave. I don't know what to do. I have written to her, spoken to dad urging him to seek help, gone to counselling myself. There is no advice or support out there for families of domestic abuse. I live a long distance from them now but maintain the relationship with them for my dads sake. I am angry that the wider family turn a blind eye to it because it is a woman doing it to a man. What can I do?

They are getting old now and think they both lack any confidence to leave.

My mum is depressed and alcoholic

What do you think challenging her will do?

I have written to her, spoken to dad urging him to seek help

Your parents don't want help, or to acknowledge they need help.

I'll probably be slated - it's no business of children to nose poke in parents relationship. They have found their equilibrium by this point in their life.

I'm really sorry to hear about this.
I want to encourage you in your quest to find a way to stop this. It cannot be allowed to continue. Domestic abuse is no more acceptable in this case simply because a woman is the abuser, not the victim.
Your mum needs to be persuaded to face up to her issues and to see what she is doing. She needs to accept help.
She needs counselling and maybe a GP's help with the depression issues.
You say the wider family turn a blind eye. Have you talked to them about it directly? Maybe you can pursuade them to take it more seriously.
Does your mum have any siblings, close family of her own generation or close friends to who she would listen?

It won't do anything to change her but I thought if I threatened to tell wider circle of family what she was doing it would make her seek help. She still keeps the pretence up that they are normal. She has only recently admitted she is depressed and I urged her to speak to her gp.

Jumping would you still say this if it was her dad beating up her mum?

That sounds so difficult. I think it sounds like you are doing/ have done as much as you can. You can't make your dad (or your mum) deal with this - they are adults. I think all you can do is keep writing/ talking etc, or else write one final one telling your dad you will always be there if needs to talk etc and to your mum that that her behaviour is unacceptable, needs to stop and is very upsetting for you. Then stop - telling yourself you have done all you can.
I'm sure there must be support out there for you. Could you ask your GP about it? Was your counselling helpful - maybe you could try someone else to help you to come to terms with this?

I'll probably be slated - it's no business of children to nose poke in parents relationship. They have found their equilibrium by this point in their life.

So you'd say that if it were the OP's father beating up her mum? They can live in an abusive relationship jut because they're old?

She is an only child and has lost all her friends through her behaviour. They knew about it and could not put up with it. I think I could speak to one of family. She refuses to see her gp. Fundamentally, like all bullies, she totally lacks confidence and is even worse since retiring. I suppose I know it's hopeless but I am so worried about dad and angry at her. I don't know what to do.

I think you should try to help. I don't know how but if it was your dad against your mum it would cause uproar, I can't see it any different because gender roles are reversed tbh.

try

mankind

they may not be able to help your father but they may be able to help you.

Oh, god, that is awful.

I think you are very brave to want to talk to her.

But is it possible to talk to him instead, maybe encourage him to leave or see that he could leave? I think sometimes people worry they will lose family support - you would be able to reassure him it's not his fault and you will be there for him, so that might help.

I think challenging your mum is very brave, and if you feel morally it's right to do, you should do it - but I think maybe your dad needs to be the focus here.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and your dad.

Btw, someone mentioned gender - your dad needs to know this is not his fault, and it's not ok that she is doing this. It is just as awful as any other kind of domestic violence.

I don't know if there's any way to help him see that but it is really important to keep saying it as many ways as you can.

Thanks magic and Ruth. I had a few sessions with a counsellor years ago which really helped me. I guess until then I had not realised how warped my childhood was and how this affected me and my relationships. It still affects me and I am middle aged!

Luckily, it spurred me into working hard at decent relationships and finding a brilliant dh who supports me all the way. But, he would prefer me to cut off contact, which I find too hard.

Thanks so much boneyback, looks like a good organisation. Will give them a ring.

Help is there for women to leave.

There are always bigger dynamics at play.

Don't even know the ages of the parents. getting on a bit can mean 40 60 80 - you wont find many 80yo's deciding to up sticks, 60's might decide to go, 40's would stick two fingers up and leave PDQ.

The Op will probably find a lot of emotional things out when Mum dies (assumptive due to the alcoholism) and Dad tells a story or two about why Mum is like that - and you'll realise why Mum is the way she is and why Dad supports her.

I presume they are of an age where marriage vows did mean for better, for worse and you see things through to the bitter end.

If the parents wanted help then the OP has already told them she will. They don;t want help, but both know the door is open if they need to use it.

Ditto if the roles were reversed. You can never make a woman leave an abusive man until she is ready.

As well meaning as everyone is - you cannot fix a relationship until the people in it want to be fixed

Oh god, I know. I know. It is so hard to watch. To stand by and watch. Or hear about it. I can still hear the sound of her punching him whilst we were in bed. They are in their sixties. Honestly, i have wanted her to die to release my dad and us all. I don't like her, I feel sorry for her because she is so weak and miserable but I will not miss her,

Awww ruby I do feel for you. You can only open the door. You can't make anyone walk through it IYSWIM?

There will be bigger issues at play here that you know nothing about, as to why your mother is an alcoholic. And why she lashes out. And why your father stays.

A bit O/T - I've been dabbling in geneology. I can see why my father distanced himself from his own father. I've now read the army scripts. I can see why my grandfather was like he was. Not the same thing for your situation, but still there will have been things past that make a person what they are today.

Yep, jumping, my grandad by all accounts was a really strict parent. Not sure there was much love in that household and question over her paternity. he was a lovely grandad but I can see not a great dad. My always blamed everyone else, usually a man, for her life. She has never once taken control of her own happiness.

OP there is hope.

My in-laws were like this (though not through the drink, mental illness more to blame I think). FIL did eventually leave MIL, he was in his late 70s. Things had to get really bad before he did - when he was forced to retire so was at home all the time was the main reason it got worse, then she put him in hospital and social services and the doctors managed to get him to not go back (authority figures). He now lives happily in sheltered housing and she is lonely at home on her own.

I really feel for you, horrible to see your parents like this.

I wonder if you would consider calling the police?

The whole situation really sounds horrible.
I understand what people say about them being set in their ways, but I don't think that's a reason to leave them to this.
I also understand why your DH wants you to sever contact, but that doesn't seem fair on your father. He seems to be the one who needs support.

About 5 years ago I helped a friend to escape from her abusive husband. It was one of the best things I have ever done and she is happier now than she has ever been.

What would your father say if you suggest that he leave?
Not just as an empty suggestion, but with some concrete ideas; where he could go, how he could live, how his life could be improved.
Could you give him the positive impetus he needs to make a change in his life for the better.
That might even have a positive knock-on effect on your mother too.