To tell this woman she is lazy/badly organized.

[5dcsinneedofacleaner]

I would like to point out that i am not amazingly well organized or super woman before i start this so dont get that impression!

A woman I know (mother of dcs friend) is always going on and on about how she doesnt know how I do everything I do. Now I realise this sounds like a nice thing to say but the way she says it (and its hard to describe its the tone, the body language etc) is implying that I cant possibly be doing it RIGHT. For example how do I possibly give each child attention, how do i have time to keep my house tidy while looking after the children and how do i get them to school on time making sure they are all fed . The list is endless but as i say it is all phrased and said in such a way as to be a dig rather than her actually thinking im fab.
I KNOW she struggles with things, her children have low attendance etc at school and for the last year I have put up with it as our children are friends and i dont want to upset her or argue. BUT with it being the holiday the thoguht of going back to it is just driving me mad so i have actually been lying awake fantasizing about just saying somehting back, point out the fact she is clearly lazy or badly organized or whatever.

I know this sounds really really childsish and stupid and its hard to actually put the whole situation in words and i know its stupid to let it upset me but i really dont want another year of this!. She is the kind of person its impossible to ignore (ive tried!).

AIBU to just start telling her a few home truths.

If she says 'how do you do xx?' just look her in the eye and say 'because I'm good at it'

If she asks again how you manage, produce a timetable of how you cope with washing, dressing and breakfasting everyone in the morning, taking to school. Roughly what you do in the day (prepare evening meal in the morning, put laundry in machine and vacuum around. Go out to prune roses, see a friend for lunch, do a bit of shopping, set table for evening meal, collect children, start to cook etc.). Not rocket science, is it?

Leave out telephone calls, watching Judge Judy and eating chocolate with your wine.

Just laugh and say I know - I must be superwoman. Then ignore. If she gets the same response each time , she'll give up.

Are you sure it;s a dig and not desperation?

Maybe she is unwell, sleep apnea for example would appear with those symptoms you describe as lazy and suspeganised.

and if she says I don't know how you do it and it's a dig, the response is "clearly"

Disorganised

It feels like a dig but i do admit there could be any number of other reasons for her saying and thats why i have just smiled and let it go. I did when we first started talking think she was actually asking for advice (i.e in getting the children to school) but she seemed not to want it just joked about it alot. See now i feel guilty for thinking of being mean when i dont know all the circumstances - damn it!

I always go for a joke response in these situations so I too would say something like "oh I I'm super woman" or I'd go all snobby and "oh we'll the housekeeper and butler are awfully hands on with the children which is a marvellous helP"

What I wouldn't do is start trying to explain or justify yourself.

I would say something like "oh it's not difficult - it's really easy to keep on top of things as long as I'm organised". It's a bit of a subtle dig at her so would only say that if I was sure she was being mean about me though.

Instead of hating her for asking, why not give her some tips?

I would just smile next time. You don't know why she is saying it, in what tone, or what she is thinking when she's saying it. She might be having a dig. She might also be incredibly depressed.

Bad attendance? late is one thing, not turning up is another. Quite often the hallmarks of depression if someone cannot be arsed to actually get out of bed and feed their children on time.

School will pick up on it, sooner rather than later.

Say well when I was younger I was a right lazy cow and really disorganised, then I decided to stop being a lazy cow. With a great big

I think I know how you feel, and it is easy to become upset especially when you are stewing over it instead of getting to sleep!
Perhaps as a way of diffusing your anxiety between now and end of hols, try writing a letter, or a collection of notes, to her, with all of your imagined responses, warts and all. By putting it all down on paper - not for sharing of course - you may feel less concerned about it all.
You are not being unreasonable at all - her comments have clearly got under your skin, and you need to do something to make yourself feel better!
HTH

She sounds a bit exasperated and fed up to me,though I could be wrong.
And jealous?
Have you or your DC been to her house?

Ask her gently if she's ok and genuinely mean it. It might help you understand her frustration?

If her children are not attending school, then it is more than disorganisation.

She may be depressed, has let things get on top of her, or honestly doesn't know how to get things done according to timescales and manage the children.

I would start to answer her honestly and as Isaid suggests, ask her if she is having problems, before becoming defensive, or nasty, back.

Some people do honestly struggle with this and need help.

I know a woman like this. She is just awfully badly organised. Late for everything. School, play dates, meals. All the time. her house is a tip, she is a mess. It's just the way she is. She's not depressed, she's just disorganised. She's happy.

Which is fine, but she does that really annoying thing that some messy people do. Which is that they say things like "my house might be a mess, but my kids are loved/entertained/played with". Like it's a trade off. Like all those organised people never spend any time with their kids.

she might be depressed. or just feckless. i'm with those who say tell her 'because i'm good at it'. or 'i plan how to use my time and get on with it'. but if she is depressed (and it might not show) she won't be able to get on with it, even with a plan.

I will try to talk to her a bit more when the children start back. To be honest I couldnt tell you if she seems depressed or to be struggling, I just havent had that sort of relationship with her. I know her oldest child school attandance was less than 65% as she was reffered to a welfare officer (she told me this) but other than that i couldnt say much more than the number of children she has and of course the silly little things you chat about to your dcs friends parents!.

fudge - you are right I have been stewing - I am a stewer, i spend a good portion of time thinking things over when i should just move on with life and ignore it - dh has reminded me of this many times

amillion - I have NEVER been to her house, she has been here quite alot but never invited us there. I always assumed it was because i have 5 tbh but maybe not.

there's a couple of red flags in what you've just told us, 5dcs