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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely appalled at this behaviour?

23 replies

Pobbage · 16/08/2012 09:36

Some MNers may have read my earlier thread about the weird spotting I got on Sunday night up to today - I was wondering if it was implantation bleeding. It turned out that it was an early miscarriage.

I have been trying to patch things up with my now ex partner since Saturday night after a silly argument that blew up out of proportion (him blanking me all day because he was stressed about something else, me waiting in wondering where he was, me issuing an ultimatum about him going missing at such a worrying time - not the first time he had done this - and him saying I had dumped him over nothing). He refused to answer the phone for 3 days, then yesterday he said he was going to call in the break at work and didn't do so.

I then texted him explaining what the doctors had said and how terrible I felt about yet another failed clomid cycle and asked him to call me. He didn't do so, but instead texted me all night saying if he sees me again he's going to want to have sex and that he can't sleep because he keeps thinking about sex. He even had the cheek to ask me if I wanted to have sex, knowing I'm still bleeding!

He then said he would call this morning and didn't do so. I am sick and tired of these phone games. I just wanted to meet in person to discuss this. This is how I would expect a 16 year old boy to behave, not a man more than twice that age. He is now offended because I told him to man up and try to face up to this.

I simply can not believe that someone could be so unfeeling in this situation. He knows how much I wanted this baby and he seemed to want it just as much. He knows how upset I am and how all this pain could be eased just by communicating. But instead he has chosen to bury his head in the sand.

I have been trying to rationalise and see the best of this situation and work out his behaviour, but my friends think he is simply - well, to quote exactly, "disgusting, misogynistic and not worth your precious time."

Where the hell do I go from here?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 16/08/2012 09:39

listen to your wise friends

StealthPolarBear · 16/08/2012 09:39

I'm so sorry for your loss :( I agree with your friends

MakeHayNotStraw · 16/08/2012 09:40

As far away as possible, IMO. It sounds like you don't communicate very well even when you are together, and I'm not sure I could get past his behavour. I am so sorry that you aree hurting, that sucks, and I am so sorry about your mc.

FallenCaryatid · 16/08/2012 09:40

He's your ex for many good reasons. Why do you want him involved in discussions about your miscarriage and your feelings when he's obviously not bothered about you other than a vessel for sex?
Talk to friends, get counselling through your GP. This man sounds corrosive and extremely selfish and I don't understand why you are still communicating with him.

ll31 · 16/08/2012 09:40

Not worth your time I think, sorry about your loss too

Pobbage · 16/08/2012 09:40

I am trying to imagine what I would have said if it happened to a friend of mine, and I would have said the same thing. I can't believe how soft I have been with him.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 16/08/2012 09:41

Fallen they only split up over Tje weekend

McKayz · 16/08/2012 09:42

Listen to your friends. He's not worth your time.

FallenCaryatid · 16/08/2012 09:43

OK, that makes more sense then.
OP did he want the baby? Was he really into the idea of being a father, or was he indifferent?
I'm wondering if he's grieving in a very different way, or just relieved and insensitive.

Pobbage · 16/08/2012 09:43

I know that rationally I shouldn't want to speak to him whatsoever, but emotionally I felt the need for closure.

I thought he wanted this baby as much as I did. I can't believe this time last week we were so happy and making plans.

Following past disagreements he has always been sorry. I don't think I could ever get past this behaviour now, even if he was sorry.

OP posts:
bochead · 16/08/2012 09:51

You are being put through the wringer right now aren't you?

Most hospitals seem to have a miscarriage support group nowadays. I suggest you investigate and join your local one. You'd be inhuman not to need some emotional support at such a distressing time, and it's obvious your partner is a source of even more angst right now.

I suspect he was either very upset and totally drunk when demanding sex, OR for him the relationship ended on an emotional connection level a long time ago. Perhaps he's wanted out but is going about ending it in the worst way possible - by behaving like such a brat that you have no choice but to dump him - this allows him to slink back under his stone with a clean conscience. His behavior is appalling and you know that you deserve so much better. You are too vulnerable to tolerate this.

Either way, if ever there was a time in your life when you need to take time out to heal yourself, regroup and recharge this is it. Tell him to stay well clear until such a time as you emotions, hormones and life are back together (at least 6 months). I'm relieved that your friends are supporting you right now.

Pobbage · 16/08/2012 09:53

Thank you for that bochead. Really kind and reassuring of you.

OP posts:
PedanticPanda · 16/08/2012 09:56

Did you start another similar thread today where you said you had told him you blamed him for the mc because he split up with you? Or am I getting mixed up with different posters?

Pobbage · 16/08/2012 09:59

I don't blame him for the mc. People are telling me it's because I got stressed etc but I don't, I blame him for the stress he's caused me and the fact he can't face up to things, which has made me feel even worse

OP posts:
Trazzletoes · 16/08/2012 10:02

So sorry for your loss. Is this his extremely crap way of dealing with the issues?

I have to say, him banging on about sex whatever the circumstances would leave me cold, but ESPECIALLY in your current situation. What a knob.

PedanticPanda · 16/08/2012 10:05

Don't blame the stress, I miscarried yesterday but started bleeding the day before. That day dp and I had been arguing and I worried that the stress could have caused it. Dp was in bits too because he blamed himself for us arguing and thought he'd caused the mc. I was reassured today (and on the Nhs website too) that stress doesn't cause mc. The guilt was awful - don't torture yourself (or your ex) for something that was out of both of your control.

Margerykemp · 16/08/2012 10:06

Leave him, you deserve better.

PedanticPanda · 16/08/2012 10:11

Margery, they're not together anymore.

FutTheShuckUp · 16/08/2012 10:12

Is this the same guy who went awol on his birthday when he was meant to be seeing you?
If so I really do despair

Inneedofbrandy · 16/08/2012 10:14

Have a look at baggage reclaim website soz don't know how to link.

JennerOSity · 16/08/2012 10:18

I think a man who wants children with you, and is going to make a good steady father and partner for the family unit you create, and has a good concept of what kind of long term commitment to mother and baby that is, wouldn't flounce off for 3 days accusing you of dumping him.

He told you twice he would be in touch but wasn't, and then was but only to ask for sex any right thinking human would realise you would not be in the mood for! Shock

I think you have had a lucky escape - he doesn't sound ready for a serious adult relationship never mind fatherhood.

Sorry you are in this situation, but think it is probably for the best long term. I am sure you will get to be a great mum one day - but you need a better partner than he is capable of being.

manticlimactic · 16/08/2012 10:26

Just be thankful you don't live with this tool. (If you're the poster I'm thinking of)

Conflugenglugen · 16/08/2012 10:35

Pobbage - from personal experience, I've learned that the reality of 'closure' is that I have tended to have to do it by myself. Once I accepted that, then things could move on.

Un-MN hugs.

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