To resent DHs depression?

[SmilingWhilstCrying]

Have namechanged for this.

Ever since our last Dc was born (2 years ago) Dh has been depressed. He didn't really want to have another baby but choose not to use condoms,whilst I was saving up for Mirena.
After Dc was born he left me to do everything for her. I thought he seemed depressed but the months rolled on and nothing changed. He refused and still refuses to see the doctor.
He is getting better and interacts with Dc now but he thinks nothing of spending the day in bed because its a bad day. He goes to work and I'm a SAHM,but sometimes I would like to scream that I have bad days too,that I cry a lot,but not when anyone can see. I tell him this and he stays up but is grumpy and snappy with everyone so the atmosphere is awful,all of us just waiting for him to fly off the handle.

I do love him and want to work things out but I feel so resentful towards his selfishness.

If he's not seen a doctor, he can't call it depression, and hasn't any "priority" over your needs, surely?

Did you plant the seed in his mind that he may be depressed?

This sounds more like he is punishing you for having a baby that he didnt want.

He may not want to see a doctor, because he knows that the doctor is unlikely to tell him he is depressed.

And before I get accused of not understanding depression, I have posted extensively about my husbands breakdown, and my FILs mental health, as well as my own past problems with anxiety and depression, so I am not being unsympathetic, I just dont think that OPs husband is being honest.

No I haver never mentioned depression to him but having suffered depression myself,thats what it seemed like to me.

I do know he has had suicidal thoughts in the past.

Then you have to insist he goes to the doctor. Tell him you will go with him if he is worried about going.

He absolutely must get to a doctor.

I've done all that but Dh argues that we just don't have enough money,for which I can see his point. My medication used to cost ?74 per month and ?55 doctors visit.

I've had moderate depression (severe enough to be referred to a psych). Yanbu to be annoyed, given he has refused to take any steps to help himself to recover, and won't even go to the doctor.

cross posted. Oh that does make it more difficult, not being UK based. Does his work have any free confidential staff counselling?

No,theres no additionals or perks anymore. There used to be but with the recession they are just about paying wages.

Its such a shit situation. I'm constantly sushing the kids in case they wake him or disturb him.

YWBU to resent his depression - but I don't think you do. You quite rightly resent his unwillingness to do anything about it.

He either has to suck it up and pay (I do understand that is hard) or start working on getting himself better. There is an abundance of self help books - not to everyone's taste, but some are really systematic and based on cognitive behavioural therapy. If it is not too severe then things like exercise and fresh air may help a bit - I know that sounds patronising. But frankly he owes it to you to give these things a try.

I have had depression for over ten years, before and after children - in my teens it was easy to retreat into my own world but I'm an adult now and I cannot reject my responsibilities. There are days when I want to just hide away and forget I am a wife and mother but I don't - I am not putting my children through that so while I do make sure I have some alone time, I am careful not to overdo it and never see them.

BTW, were you already with him when you suffered depression yourself? And if so, how did he treat you? Were you allowed to retreat into hibernation then?

Do you ever get the chance to have a quiet serious chat without interruption from the kids?

If not, then that may help, if you can get him to open up a bit more about how he is feeling.

Men especially often see depression in themselves as a sign of weakness and bottle things up. (My husband and his dad being perfect examples of this)

I think that if he won't do anything to help himself you are not oblidged to help him either.

That might seem harsh, but his refusal to get help is impacting negatively on his children.

Which country are you in? If you look into it there may well be schemes/charities who would help you access medical services at a discounted rate.

Also, if he refused to use condoms and new you couldn't afford contraception he has no right to say he didn't want a child. It was extremely likely that you would get pregnant in the circumstances. I would consider any person refusing to use contraception as a red flag for abuse, as abusers know they can use children to convince their partner to stay.

Yes I was with him but my depression manifested as obsessive cleaning,tidying and sterilising. If Dc had a speck of dirt on her,the whole outfit would need to be changed. It was PND and I was fully sure if everything wasn't perfect then I was an awful mother and people would think that. Dh suggested the doctor (I knew in my own head my behaviour wasn't normal). He was supportive if a little removed from the situation.

I'm in rural Ireland,not many services in the area,I will look into charities,thanks for that.