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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call a time out to have some 'single' time

22 replies

rolypolyjamjam · 15/08/2012 09:42

I've been seeing someone for 5 months - I'm gay, sh's bi but nobody knows about her or us because she's not wanted to tell anyone up until now. She says she loves me and has been planning our future together.

I've only ever been with one other person apart from her and I know it's my silly problem but I feel resentful that she's slept with 3 times as many people as me, lived the single life and had her fun so now she's ready to settle down, she has no regrets. I on the other hand was previously in a long term, controlling relationship which started as soon as I came out. I've never had the opportunity to lead the single life and I feel as though if i settle down now I will always have the resentment I feel now.

So AIBU to call for a break to give myself a few single months to get it out of my system so that I can commit to this relationship fully? As i said before, nobody knows about us, she won't add me to facebook and I think I should do this for myself as she's suited herself up until now. I know it takes a lot to come out - which is why I've not pushed anything, but part of me thinks I should do what makes me happy so we can have our future without me thinking 'I should've done this or that'. While the other part of me thinks if I do this, I could lose her completely.

OP posts:

FartyMcTarty · 15/08/2012 09:44

Yes you could lose her completely. I wouldn't hang around if my DP wanted to play single for a while.

Kayano · 15/08/2012 09:45

Single life is overrated

I had one bf before DH and it doesn't even matter because he is 'the one'

Why spend your life looking backwards?

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2012 09:46

No YANBU. Your feelings are as valid as hers and TBH she sounds like she might be controlling, as well - won't add you to Facebook or tell anyone about you etc. It's not compulsory to have a committed relationship, and certainly anyone who has been in an abusive relationship should spend some time single before committing to anyone else.
You might find that you don't want to go back to her. Which would be fine, too; no one should remain in a relationship that isn't working for him/her. Good luck.

Paiviaso · 15/08/2012 09:46

I think you are BU to think that you can break up with someone so you can sleep with lots of other people, and expect them to still be around when you have "got it out of your system."

I don't think you are BU to not want to settle down yet. If you don't want to, then don't! Go out and have fun, be safe, meet people and gain experience. But be honest with this woman - you are going to be breaking up with her.

megandraper · 15/08/2012 09:49

If I were her, I would walk away from someone who wanted a 'break' to sleep around before 'committing' to me. I am using apostrophes because I think you are giving these words your own meaning.

I think you need to discuss your feelings fully with her. My instinct is that you need to break up, completely. Possibly some time in the future you might get together again, probably not, because things move on.

Ephiny · 15/08/2012 11:45

I wouldn't wait around for someone wanting a few months of 'single time', neither would anyone with any self-respect IMO.

I can understand you not being ready to commit, wanting to have some fun etc, but you should have got that over with before getting involved with her.

It's a bit odd to be together for 5 months and not tell anyone though . Was there any reason she wanted to keep it secret? Are you her first female partner?

Pandemoniaa · 15/08/2012 11:51

I'm another person who wouldn't readily tolerate a break from a relationship so that my partner could even up their sleeping with people score. I think that the damage that this sort of pre-planned infidelity could cause is likely to be beyond repair.

However, it also doesn't sound as if she's very committed to your relationship so I think you need to worry less about the disparity in the number of sexual partners and more about her longer term intentions.

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2012 12:36

I think that you really just want to break up with her but are trying to soften the blow. Don't feel bad, it's OK to end a relationship that isn;t making you happy.

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 15/08/2012 12:41

I think if she wants to settle down and you don't then you should break-up.

It wouldn't be fair to say it was a 'break' with the intention of going back though.

danteV · 15/08/2012 12:48

Yanbu to want this. Yabu to expect your do to hang around and wait until you are ready, if you are every ready.
What is the reason for her hiding the relationship. Is her sexuality a secret?

Crinkle77 · 15/08/2012 12:51

I don't see how you can commit to a relationship anyway if she hasn't told anyone about you

danteV · 15/08/2012 12:51

actually, thinking about it. Why do you want to go public if you are not sure about the relationship. Which if you are having these feelings, you clearly are not sure.

ErikNorseman · 15/08/2012 13:01

If you want to be single, be single. It would be highly unreasonable to expect her to wait for you, or to expect the relationship to remain unscathed if you did get back together.

teacherandguideleader · 15/08/2012 13:17

I was in a relationship with someone for a few months that I had met on the internet. I was fairly sure he was 'the one'. One day he broke my heart when he told me that someone else he was chatting to online before he met me wanted to meet up with him. He ended mine and his relationship as he felt he 'had to know' about whether it would have worked out with her. To start with, I hung around hoping he would see sense (especially as she was messing him about) but as time went on I began to realise that I did not want to be with someone who essentially had met someone he liked (me) but wanted to play the field a little before settling down. He did eventually come crawling back when he realised it was actually me he wanted, but I wouldn't take him back.

However, on the other hand, a friend of mine had never down the single thing and ended up having an affair.

If you want to be single then fine, but don't expect your partner to wait for you - if she is anything like me she will be absolutely devastated to think that she 'isn't enough; and like you are shopping around in case there is someone better out there.

SoleSource · 15/08/2012 13:52

Break upvwith uer first before you embark on this soul destroying journey you are not ready for and prepare to regret it as you have lost this woman if she has half a brain. Its not ehat you think it is. But tnen again it could be....

Callisto · 15/08/2012 13:58

I think you should have a break. Be single for a while (not necessarily shaggin all and sundry, just being on your own) teaches self-reliance and confidence. I also think that you are having a wobble about committing because you are not sure if she is 'the one'. I would also be very dubious about her hiding your relationship. Is she really worth it?

Soelsource - that is a pretty bullshit sentence. Being single can be far better than being in a relationship. It is very needy and weak to prefer to be with anyone rather than be alone.

Callisto · 15/08/2012 13:59

Oh, and really don't expect her to wait. Finish it with the assumption that it is totally finished.

SoleSource · 15/08/2012 14:23

Im single for seven years because I prefer it to being in an ynsuitable relationship wrf are you in.ahnd sleeping around was soul destroying for me. Hipe you feel suitably small.

maddening · 15/08/2012 14:29

how would you feel if she suggested the same?

is she the one?

Callisto · 15/08/2012 14:33

No, I don't feel small - why would I? I'm just struggling to understand your actual meaning. You wrote that the OP would be on a soul-destroying journey if she split with her partner. I said it's bullshit to say such a thing.

I think we are actually saying the same thing, but your writing is pretty incoherant tbh.

SavageGarden · 15/08/2012 14:43

I wouldn't waste my life waiting around for someone who is desperate to keep score.

WelshMaenad · 15/08/2012 15:50

I'm humming the Beautiful South classic. Sorry to sound flippant, but it's relevant.

If you want to be single, be single. Don't insult her by asking her to put her life on pause while you "have a little time and have a little fun".

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