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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have ended my dd's relationship with my 'sister'?

30 replies

halfasister · 15/08/2012 00:21

OK my kids used to spend a week in the summer with my dad his wife and their 'own children'. Last time they went my DS 'fraped' my eldest half bro who is vulnerable and sensitive. My eldest half sister who has not spoken to me for years came around and shouted that he was 'an autistic cunt just like his mother', in front of my dd, who was upset and started crying. Then a couple of days later half sis invited dd to her house to make a cake, and explained that it was because I had never been 'nice' to her. After that they were friends on fb. I was pretty pissed off, especially about the cake making for some reason. Rolling on a couple of years, we had SS intervention which I told my dad about, and he told his wife about it. I was kind of hoping for some support from one of them, instead of which they cancelled their impending to us, and SM told half sis all about it. Next thing, half sis is on fb to dd, asking if everything is alright at home, quizzing her about what had happened, asking quite probing questions, saying how worried she was about dd and ds. It was making dd feel quite uncomfortable so i sent a message myself and asked her to stop quizzing. Which she did.
Now, I do nose into dd's fb account from time to time as I worry about fb bullying, and I have noticed that dd has sent a few messages to half sis saying hi, but half sis ignores her completely, not even saying hi back.
Now I feel kind of guilty on some level for ending this relationship.
AIBU? or what?

OP posts:
TheDreadedFoosa · 15/08/2012 00:25

Dunno really.

(yabu for usint the word "fraped" though).

AgentZigzag · 15/08/2012 00:32

Does your DS have autism? Is that what your sister was talking about when she said 'an autistic cunt just like his mother'?

Regardless of why she said it, it's a totally unacceptable thing to say at any time to anyone, and you'd have to wonder about the type of person who would think it'd be alright to say it, or who has got so little control over their anger that it could just 'come out'.

I know you don't care much for her, but is there any possibility that the things she did were purely out of concern for your DD/DC?

Could she have wanted to spend time with your DD baking, or to make it up to her for being such a cow in front of her?

Could she have been genuinely concerned when she was asking about SS? (or was she just information gathering for the rest of the family?)

'with my dad his wife and their 'own children''

Is that how your dad describes them without including you in his children? Very sad if he has.

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 00:32

'dunno really' kinda sums it up.
what is wrong with 'fraped'....at least I put it in inverted commas!

OP posts:
Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 00:41

agentzigzag - thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Perhaps she did want to just make things up with the cake baking, yes.
I really don't know whether the concern was genuine or information gathering, but it really got to me at the time, as she has barely spoken to me for years.
Yes I have heard the 'own children' thing a few times over the years, my dad just repeats what his wife says. I find it very hurtful.
oh and no, my DS is not autistic, she was just using it as an insult, not for the first time, as he gets a bit obsessive about whatever his latest craze is.

OP posts:
BigHairyFlowers · 15/08/2012 00:59

'fraped' makes a direct connection between a horrifying, life changing violent crime, and having someone write something on your facebook wall, purporting to be from you.

For anyone who has been subjected to a horrifying, life changing violent crime, who has been held down by the throat and had their head slammed repeatedly into the road, who was afraid to leave their house for over two years, who has regular panic attacks 23, yes, 23 years later because of that horrifying, life changing violent crime - comparing that experience lightheartedly to having someone write something on your facebook wall purporting to be from you, is fucking offensive

HTH.

AgentZigzag · 15/08/2012 01:02

It's possible for people to realise what they've been missing after so long.

Your sister might have grown up in the kind of atmosphere where you weren't valued as much as you should have been, and the way you were talked about was what's tainted the way she was with you.

If the wool was pulled from her eyes and she realised what had been going on (and none of it her fault, she was only a child/they were her parents) she could have wanted to act on it and try to make contact.

Although shouting such bollocks at you doesn't really fit with that does it? It's like she's saying something she'll know will cut you deeply, and using your children to hurt you in such a way is unforgivable.

I can understand why you'd want to protect your DD from someone you know will blow hot and cold on her (and who thinks autism is an insult). How old is your DD? She must know what her aunt is capable of if she was there when she was having a go at you?

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:11

bighairyflowers please accept my sincere apology, I will not use that term again, I did not know the term myself until recently and had not thought it through.
agentzigzag I think she did grow up in an atmosphere of my SM's negative little comments and eyerolling about me and the bro., and that she has really taken it on. I feel that it was unforgivable too. I was not actually there, it was shouted at the kids.
DD is 13 now, she was 11 at the time.

OP posts:
Viperidae · 15/08/2012 01:18

Your son behaved badly to a brother who you describe as vulnerable and sensitive but you don't mention how you dealt with this. Did you punish him? Make it clear this behaviour is not acceptable?

Could your sister have been protecting this brother? Could this situation have arisen because you didn't do that adequately?

I hate Facebook and, even more, hate families dealing with issues over it. It sounds like you all need to discuss things face-to-face rather than FBing

Madmum24 · 15/08/2012 01:23

I'm clearly the only one who is unfamiliar with the term fraped? Mumsnet explanation please :-)

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:24

viperidae he got a proper bollocking from my dad, and more from me when he got home, I am very protective over that brother. As I was not there, I had no chance to deal with it on the spot.
Of course the sister felt the same,perhaps more so, but calling me and ds 'autistic cunts' was too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:26

I hate FB too, even to the extent of cancelling my account.
discussing things face to face sounds very civilised, but I am afraid we are so dysfunctional, it's not going to happen.

OP posts:
lisaro · 15/08/2012 01:31

If one of my family was involved with social services then I'd probably ask the kids if they were ok. I think that shows she cares about your daughter. Why were they involved anyway?

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:34

because I was ill and my house was messy.

OP posts:
Softlysoftly · 15/08/2012 01:36

Well your DS was unreasonable for hacking half DBs FB.

You may or may not have BU depending on if you disciplined him and made him apologise or not.

Half sis was DBU shouting offensive, prejudiced shite at two children.

Personally I think YWBU to allow DD to the cake making with someone who can abuse a disability in that way without some major apologies and a donation to the autism society!

Half sis was U poking and probing about SS you were open about it no need to pry and certainly not through a child making them uncomfortable.

YWBU to snoop your DDs FB be honest about monitoring in future.

YWBU to pull half sis up on it via FB message.

YA ALL BU for conducting this over FB, Facebook is evil.

Does that make things as clear as mud?

Softlysoftly · 15/08/2012 01:39

X post you can have point 2 as a YWNBU Grin

Jeremy Kyle?

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:39

Grin thanks!
do most parents really not snoop FB accounts?

OP posts:
Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 01:40

re point 4, I was not there to allow it or not.....

OP posts:
TheDreadedFoosa · 15/08/2012 03:24

Madmum24 - Bighairyflowers has already given a thorough explanation just a few posts before yours.

Madmum24 · 15/08/2012 10:28

I'm clearly a bit slow, but does that mean that the person has to attack you in a horrifying life changing crime AND post things on FB purporting to be you, or is it just the latter?

puds11 · 15/08/2012 10:33

Should a 13 year old have a fb account? For that i think yabu.

Bumblebee333 · 15/08/2012 10:41

No it means facebook raped. It has nothing to do with a horrifying life changing crime, which is exactly why its a bad expression. It makes a comparison between that and somebody hacking your facebook and updating your status with some ridiculas statement that the person would never put on their own status, therefore leading the person to feel violated.

It's stupid but the OP has apologised, in fairness it is a common term that not many people haven't thought through as it is so common now.

puds11 · 15/08/2012 10:42

madmum 'frape' is a vile term meaning that someone has hacked your fb and posted on your wall without your consent. It is nothing to do with the awful life changing thing it sounds like.

Its a fucking disgusting term.

Bumblebee333 · 15/08/2012 10:42

13 is the min age for facebook.

puds11 · 15/08/2012 10:43

So is op saying her DD had fb from 11?

Original poster
halfasister · 15/08/2012 10:57

yes, 11 or 12 but she didn't really use it much.

OP posts: