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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my beighbour to butt out of my parenting!

23 replies

yousavedmybacon · 14/08/2012 17:51

My neighbour is an otherwise lovely women if a bit of a busybody. Shes about 30 years older than me, im mid 20's. She is constantly telling my ds he can go to the park or the fields with her Gsons who live with her. When i reiterate that ds is only allowed on the cul de sac where i can see him from the window she rolls her eyes and tells him mummy is silly and overprotective. Ds is 5, the youngest in his year at school. He is sensible but we live on a large estate that has a bad reputation. The bit we live in is quiet and i have no worries with him playing out but where the park and shops are is usually very busy and has a bad rep for trouble. She is driving me bonkers when i was in the garden the other days and step children were bickering she hung over the fence to tell them if they were going to be rude i wouldnt let them come again! She messages me on facebook and tells me that ds is too shy and wont last five minutes he needs to stand up for himself. I do stand up for myself and make light of the situation just saying oh well thats my rules but she just wont leave it be, its really starting to upset me as im worried letting him on the front then her sending them all off to the park!

OP posts:

DozyDuck · 14/08/2012 18:00

Oh this is a major pet peeve of mine. Having a neighbour who thinks DS (ASD) just needs a slap and who has offered to slap him for me

YANBU but I can't see any other way around it other than to ignore or even just stop talking altogether

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 14/08/2012 18:04

I feel bad cause she's generally a nice woman an kids get on but she disagrees with everything I do. V frustrating about ds, have a child with asd in family and this is a sad but common thing for us to hear. Misy recently at softplay by a perfect stranger. Wish I could ignore her but she literally hangs over the fence an joins in. Ds knows not to go off but its so frustrating him getting upset when I have to say no yet again

OP posts:

NowThenWreck · 14/08/2012 18:11

You are being totally reasonable and responsible not allowing your ds to go off to the park with some older kids, and even if you wern't it's none of her business!
I think you need to find a time when you can speak to her, when there are no kids about, and lay it on the line.
I had to do this with my mother, and it caused upset, but otherwise things would have escalated to the point of no return.
Good luck!

ddubsgirl · 14/08/2012 18:26

for a start block her fb!
tell her you are his parent and he wont be going anywhere you dont want him too.

flostar · 14/08/2012 18:47

No he is only 5! In my opinion he is too young to be going away out of your site anyway. I dont know how much older her Gkids are, but theres no way I would let him go either. People do make you feel your the bad one though. Stick to your way he is your son and if anything happened you would never forgive yrself.

Callisto · 14/08/2012 18:52

I think I would have told her to mind her own bloody business by now and possibly add that times have changed and parents tend to be more responsible in this enlightened day and age. 5 is very young to be playing out - your son can't look after himself at this age and needs you to make sure he is safe. She is obviously a total loon.

Pumpster · 14/08/2012 18:57

This would really wind me up! I'd start ignoring her tbh but then I'm a bit unfriendly anyway!

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 14/08/2012 19:02

I feel happier now I'm not being an overprotective loon. Her gson is 6 so not massively older but has lived here all his life and been allowed to roam freely. We moved here two years ago and tbh they have always picked at the way we do things.

OP posts:

fortifiedwithtea · 14/08/2012 19:04

If its your boundary, I'ld replace the fence with one she can't lean over, say 6ft high.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 14/08/2012 19:07

I would stop talking to her to be honest, just smile when you see her. Also make sure your ds knows to go no where with no one unless he talks with you. Remind him of this every time and tell him she is a bitty unwise and irrisponsible for thinking its O.K for him to go to the park as he is too young just now.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 14/08/2012 19:07

bitty

Wolfiefan · 14/08/2012 19:11

Dozy really? Someone said that? Wow!

Your kid. Your rules. My 9 year old doesn't play out. Where I live (lovely rural area) someone tried to take a 14 yr old boy a while back. It's rare but I'm not risking it with mine.

DozyDuck · 14/08/2012 19:16

Yes wolf. To be fair he is 90 though...

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 14/08/2012 19:17

Housing association property so can't change the fencing ect, we get on ok but its becoming a constant thing when the kids play on the front she goes out to tell them to go the park so de gets all upset when they all go , her answer is always just well every other kid round here goes the park alone grrr.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 14/08/2012 21:34

Ask her if she needs to get a f! Hearing aid since she clearly hasnt heard you properly the 100 times before, either that or next time just say, thanks but your advice is neither needed or wanted, all with a lovely big smile on your face.

greenbananas · 14/08/2012 21:34

I'm very cross on your behalf that she told the stepchildren you wouldn't allow them to come again. What a stupid, damaging thing to say! Also, she has no right to say negative things about 'mummy' to your DS. That's a very unpleasant thing to do to a child.

YANBU at all about not letting your 5 year old go to the park without you. I know that lots of children his age are allowed to go alone (they do in my neighbourhood!) but they are at risk from bullying and may also learn behaviour that you would rather not encourage. IME, the very young children who go to the park alone are often the ones from large families who know virtually everybody in the neighbourhood, so they are kind of being watched by the whole community, and they also usually have an elder sibling looking out for them from a distance.

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 14/08/2012 22:13

Yep I was angry too that's about the only time we have had a cross word, step children and I have a great relationship our house is their home too so I didn't agree with that at all. Yep that seems to be our estate but half the time older siblings naff off to the shops an leave them to it. Ds ks quite sensible and tells me when she tries.to send him off the front.

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CaptainVonTrapp · 14/08/2012 22:24

YANBU. She doesn't sound 'nice' she sounds like a proper pain in the arse. I would be looking to distance myself a little. Not easy I know when its your neighbour. Stick to your guns.

hiddenhome · 14/08/2012 23:08

I think you need to get a higher fence

ddubsgirl · 14/08/2012 23:12

could you add to the fence? some treilse or something?ask HA to see if you could

greenbananas · 15/08/2012 06:46

Speaking to the housing association is probably a good idea. If your neighbour is trying to send your 5 year old away from your house without your knowledge, then that is a child protection issue. There is a risk it might create bad feeling, but stopping her from poking her nose over your fence is a simple and practical measure that they could help you take.

Some years ago, I worked at an free open-acess playscheme in a local park where very young children often played unsupervised. We did a detailed consultation with the children and young people in the neighbourhood, and bullying/bad behaviour bothered these young people very much. Many of them felt unsafe in their local park because of the behaviour of other children. The children appreciated our presence hugely because they liked having sympathetic adults there to see 'fair play', to provide positive things to do and to intervene in any arguments when necessary.

I really do think you are being entirely reasonable to keep your 5 year old under your eye!

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 15/08/2012 08:22

Thanks for all your advice I feel reassured now that its not me being pfb. We are keen gardeners so a trellis would work and fit in if u see what I mean but I will defiantly speak to ha, we have a good relationship with the lady overseeing our estate which is good.

OP posts:

Original poster

yousavedmybacon · 15/08/2012 08:23

Can totally understand kids wanting an adult present this is what I usually end upbeing as I'm the only one who goes to the park with them so get ran to when somebody isn't playing fair/has hurt themselves ect

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