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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with DP's psychiatrist?

25 replies

Theala · 14/08/2012 14:33

I've reposted this from MH.

Background: We live in mainland Europe, and neither I nor DP are native to the country we live in. DP was diagnosed with Bipolar II around two months ago.

Shortly after this, he was told that he wasn't being kept on at his job, and he signed a letter acknowledging this. He was given two weeks' notice.
Just after, he saw his psychiatrist, who suggested that DP go on sick leave.
I sent the Psych an email (Pysch told me I could get in touch with him at any time by mail) asking if the fact that he signed the PFO letter would affect his right to go on sick leave. I enclosed a copy of the letter. Psych assured us repeatedly that it wouldn't.

Except we found out yesterday that it actually did, and no, he didn't have the right to go on sick leave and wouldn't be paid. DP rather predictably exploded, and feels that he's been fucked over let down yet again.

I am very angry that the Pysch didn't listen to my concerns, and didn't verify things properly before reassuring DP that everything would be fine. I (rather ill-advisedly) sent the Pysch a rather snitty email to this effect.

I've just got an email back from him to say that my problem is that I don't question my own part in things and that I should reflect on that before I come in to see him again.

I am both and now. I really feel that he's trying to shift the blame onto me for something that is actually his fault. If he had verified what I asked him to before telling DP that everything would be fine, DP would not now be in the state he is in.

So any ideas on how I get over being so furiously pissed off with this psychiatrist? DP is going to continue therapy with him, so I know I need to stop wanting to punch him in his stupid thick head get over my personal issues with him.

OP posts:

Flossyfloof · 14/08/2012 14:37

I am not sure why you would have relied on the Psychiatrist for employment law issues?

danteV · 14/08/2012 14:39

I am sorry you are having a hard time.
I am confused, how can he go on sick if they are finishing him?

NewDog · 14/08/2012 14:40

Really sorry about his job.

But he'd already signed (and therefore agreed) that his job/contract was to end in two weeks. Not sure why you thought he could then turn around and go off sick?

Though the psychiatrist's response was bizarre.

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 14:44

Because he was so insistent that he was right, we (eventually, in my case) believed him. And he is meant to have experience and knowledge of this type of thing.

As I said, we're not from here, so when someone who is from here and has experience in the domain insists they know all they need to know about the issue, we went with it.

I won't be making that mistake again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 14:47

Maybe I wasn't clear.
The Psychiatrist suggested he go on sick leave.
I pointed out that he was on notice.
Psy insisted it didn't matter, and that he could still go on sick.
Psy was wrong. I get no pleasure from this as it has massively upset DP and we've lost money as a result.

OP posts:

Kayano · 14/08/2012 14:51

I would have asked work rather than the psychiatrist but still he ibu!

Trifle · 14/08/2012 14:58

Do you mean that your husband has been made redundant and given 2 weeks notice. Are you now annoyed that he has to work those 2 weeks instead of taking it off as sick ?

Kayano · 14/08/2012 14:59

I think he has already taken it off as sick on psych advice and it has been deducted from his wage...

ginmakesitallok · 14/08/2012 15:00

But you haven't lost money as a result of what psych told you? You had written letter before he wanted to go on sick leave?

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 15:02

No, he would have been on long-term sick leave as a result of his MH issues. The psychiatrist is convinced that its his MH issues are the reason for him being let go from his job in teh first place.

OP posts:

danteV · 14/08/2012 15:03

I can see why you are annoyed because of his reassurances. However I would have checked the with the employer instead.
I don't know how you get past it. Honestly though, could the psy be correct in his comment? Although its a weird way to put it.
I am just surprised your dh wants to carry on being treated by someone that he feels has let him down and made such a comment to his wife.

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 15:13

We have lost money as a result.

If the psy hadn't put DP on sick leave, he would have got employment assistance as normal, which is about 80% of salary per month.
If DP was on sick leave, but still employed by his company, he would have got 100% of his salary.
But because he's on sick leave and not employed, he only gets 50% of his previous salary.

I don't give a shite about the money really though, I'm upset that Psy has upset DP by not verifying the very thing I asked him to check.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 14/08/2012 15:15

I'm sorry you're so upset but I agree with the others, I wouldn't expect a medical professional to be absolutely on the nail about the legal position.

danteV · 14/08/2012 15:16

I assume the psy made an honest mistake. I don't imagine that employment law os his forte. Imo, he should have told you to speak to the employer. Surely though you could not have thought a company would pay full sick leave to someone they have let go?

squeakytoy · 14/08/2012 15:16

As you are not in the UK, it is unlikely anyone on here can help with employment law unless they know which country you are in.

Would it not have been possible for you to have checked up on this with an expert in employment law yourself though?

mrsrosieb · 14/08/2012 15:20

I do not think the pdoc is trying to be nasty or blame you in his comments, I think he is trying to offer constructive advice.

Pdocs are there to help people with mental illness. Perhaps he feels it would help your husband if you accepted your role in helping your husband.

Please do not take it personally-I don't think the pdoc is trying to insult you.

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 15:21

TBH, I wouldn't have been confident that his employer would have told the truth either, given that they would have lost money because of it.
I should have gone to an employment law specialist myself, I know that now.

Dante, DP feels that he's been let down by "the system" in general, not by his psychiatrist. His is a very generalized upset, whereas mine is more, shall we say, targeted.

I really am confused by his comment, tbh. The only thing that I think I could have done differently is to disregard what Psy said, and verify the employment issue myself, but I'm not sure that's what he meant.

OP posts:

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 15:30

What do you mean by this mrsrosieb? " Perhaps he feels it would help your husband if you accepted your role in helping your husband."

I help my DP (we are not married) financially. I pushed him to go see a Psy in the first place. I remind him of all his appointments, I remind him to take his medication. I support him through his various moods. I try to reassure him when he's paranoid. I don't take his psychotic episodes personally. I try to calm him when he's upset. I do all the admin for both of us. I speak to people on his behalf. I got him out of jail when he was taken in for the night after a psychotic episode. I love him.
What else am I meant to be doing for him that I'm not?

OP posts:

mrsrosieb · 14/08/2012 15:32

All I mean is that pdocs do not say things to be nasty or offensive. They only try to be constructive.

I do not know you but clearly the pdoc thinks you need to accept your role in things and maybe that is something you should consider instead of being so defensive.

mrsrosieb · 14/08/2012 15:33

If you are unhappy with the pdocs comments why don't you phone him and tell him so. This may just be a misunderstanding.

squeakytoy · 14/08/2012 15:36

It all seems irrelevant anyway. If your DP had signed the acceptance of notice before seeing the Psych then it was all done and dusted. Is it worth getting stressed over two weeks at half pay?

Chubfuddler · 14/08/2012 15:41

I don't going sick instead of being dismissed was an option, it was the spending his notice on sick leave or not that the op is upset about.

Original poster

Theala · 14/08/2012 15:43

As i said, squeakytoy, he would have been on long-term sick leave, i.e. around six months. The idea being that DP could take the time to focus on getting better, rather than worrying about money/finding a job.
As I also said, it's not about the money, but how this has affected DP.

OP posts:

LookBehindYou · 14/08/2012 15:45

You sound like a very supporting dp. What country are you in? European laws are pretty good about this kind of thing. Had he had the job for less than 6 months?

squeakytoy · 14/08/2012 15:57

Yes I understand that, and if this had been advised before he accepted the notice and signed it, then that would definately have sounded like a better course to take.

It is possible in the UK that this could be views as constructive dismissal, but post-notice diagnosis and medical opinion, even in the UK is not always considered strong enough for a case.

I worked in payroll (so have a reasonable knowledge of employment law in England), and also my husband had to go on long term sick due to a breakdown a couple of years ago, the breakdown being partly due to the way he was being treated at work following a close family bereavement in very tragic circumstances. We spent a fair bit of time with a solicitor over all of it.

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