To ignore this "friend"

[Emmielu]

I have a group of close friends. We're friends with eachother, go for lunch together often etc. Recently the kids we have have all had birthday parties & 1 friends ds hasn't been invited to a few. My friend took big offence to this & instead of talking to the others about it she picked me to ring after one of the parties & started bad mouthing 2 of our other friends. It got to the stage where she was saying horrible things about their kids. She then finished the conversation with me by threatening to get one of our friends into trouble with dwp. I paniced & really didn't want to see my friend go through that stress knowing I'd know who'd make the claim.

So I told the friend. Friend went over to bitter friends house & spoke things through. Everything was sorted & forgotten about. 2 weeks later, on the phone to bitter friend & she starts bad mouthing the same 2 friends plus another 1 that we're both friends with. I hung up cause I don't want to hear it. I've not spoke to her much since cause I don't like being around people that can be so horrible like that but I'm civil with her cause I don't like to cause problems.

Aibu to not be as close to her as what I was?

Why was her DS not invited out of interest?

You sound like you're doing the right thing now which is to be civil but not get involved further. She sounds quite toxic to me...

I feel for her a bit, being excluded is hard. You don't have to be her friend but be honest at least. Just say you'd like to remain friends but you find it so awkward when she talks like this that you end up avoiding her after just to avoid being in the middle.

If the DC's like playing together then that is hard. Why wasn't her DS invited to the party if you are all such good friends?

YANBU to not want to be the middle man. If you want to remain neutral I'd have a token stock repsonse of "I really can't offer an opinion on that, it's something you should take up with X and X if you are having issues."

Then change the subject. I wouldn't just ignore people, I would always try and explain why I wouldn't find what she was doing acceptable to me. I bet she is doing the same thing to the other women too, and she may very well be bad mouthing you to them.

Just say "I'm not having this conversation with you, you keep putting me in a difficult situation talking about X & Y">

A lesson to be learned though threatening to get one of our friends into trouble with dwp. never tell anyone what you're doing with regard to money.

Some of the other kids don't like him. They're all in primary school so we can't force them to invite ds so we can keep things settled with her.

I know it must be hard being excluded like that but my DD hasn't been invited to 2 parties of friends of ours but I didn't make a fuss.

If she is fiddling her benefits, perhaps you should let your friend report her!!

But she's not. She has a boyfriend & she follows the rules when it comes to him staying.

You don't sound like good friends at all. Excluding a child is quite mean, and it sounds like its done intentionally. If you're such good friends they'd explain why a certain child is not invited.

I agree with NameChange, excluding her child is quite mean. No wonder she's upset with them.

The child wasn't involved because the child who's party it was didn't want him there. If your child didnt want another child at his/her party would you still invite them just to prevent any bad feelings with the parent?

Ah, ignore me then Emmie :) Ive been in that very situation myself. You need to learn a new mantra. "i am not getting involved" to be repeated ad nuseum until people get the message - ive had to do this, people take offence, but its better than being the go between!

If the parent was a close friend then yes, they would be invited. I would never allow my child to delibrately exclude another child like this. Teaching them that it's ok to mean? I don't think so.

Yes I would actually! Because my loyalties would lie with my "good friend". I would tell my child "tough shit", and make sure my friend's child is not left out.

How old are the children?

depends on the number of children, if its say a sleepover or outing with 5 kids, I'ld let them choose, but if they are having a big party in a hall/at home with no number limit then they are very UR to exclude a child

Do you like these friends or are you just sort of lumped together because your children are the same age?

Agree with lackingnamechangeinspiration. I think the size of the party is relevant here. If it is just a small party then your friend is being unreasonable. Just because you're friends doesn't mean your children are going to get on.

To a certain extent I agree with lucyellensmum99 about not getting involved because it doesn't involve you. However, a bit of empathy wouldn't go a miss as opposed to just 'I'm not get involved' which can be quite hurtful. Tell your friend that when the kids get to primary school it is really up to them who they invite to their party, and although it would be nice if their kids could all be friends life doesn't always work out like that.

Tell her your DDs haven't always been invited to your friends' parties. If she continues to say nasty things about your other friends that is when I'd say to her that you don't want to get involved, and if she has an issue about it she needs to talk to the relevant friend

I feel for her a bit.

whilst you are saying 'I'm not getting involved', clearly you are talking to the other mums as you know their DCs don't like the woman's son.

It's not fair to only listen and respect one side of an argument and just brush the other side off