Should I be worried about my Dad not showering and being drunk when DC was round?

[PrettyGrimInWinter]

I've namechanged because Dad used to stay with us quite a bit and might have noticed I was on MN or my user name.

My Dad lives a 'transient' lifestyle, think similar to a mobile caravan, so moving but no fixed address.

He's been seeing his DP for about a year after splitting up with my mum about four years ago. His DP is lovely, a few irritating personality traits like the rest of us, but the vibe I get from her is that she genuinely cares for him (and him for her).

One of my DC (11 YO) is stopping with them at the minute, and when the DC rang me last night they said Dad and his DP hadn't washed or changed their clothes in four days and it was a bit whiffy going near them.

Now this could be because of their lifestyle, it makes showering and washing clothes difficult, but not impossible. But I've never known him not to shower etc in the four years he's been living this lifestyle (or before it).

DC also said Dad was drunk last night, enough not to be able to talk coherently. His DP had had a drink but wasn't drunk. (it was horrible not being able to go and bring the DC home (too far away, no access to car) so I advised to let his DP deal with him) (he's never drunk in front of the DC before, always abstained when they were stopping over.)

These two in isolation I could maybe pass off as nothing to worry about, but he also suffers from depression.

The alcohol bit has always worried me, the only thing stopping him from slipping into alcoholism has been sheer will power, for probably most of my life. But when he split with mum there were two years of him being in a very deep hole, I did fear for him tbh.

But when he met his DP they were just so right for each other it was really lovely, and I thought he was OK but I've never had the opportunity to actually ask him outright and in private because his DP is always with him. If I call he'll put it on speaker phone and they'll both talk to me together, if I text him I'm actually texting her phone because they swapped, and face-to-face meetings are always together.

Basically, I haven't talked to just him in over a year. Neither of us are talkers, but when he used to stop over when he was in the depths of despair he'd only talk when he was drunk (and honestly! I was staggered by the amount of spirits he could put away! It was really frightening, I'm partial to a drink, but this was huge quantities).

Sooo, putting together the not showering or washing clothes, still getting massively drunk (and with DC there, even though his DP wasn't drunk) his ongoing depression, plus the fact that I can't find out for myself whether I'm adding this up wrong, WTF do I do?

AIBU to take these things as indicators that everything's not alright?

I don't really see him that much so this is about my concern for him rather than having any control over his life. It's really nothing to do with me when it comes down to it, but I don't see any other family, and seeing him when he was in such a vulnerable position has made me realise how much I care for him

If your dad was a woman (sounds weird but stick with me) and the DP was a man, what sort of adjectives do you think you/other MNers would be coming up with here? I'd bet controlling (you never see or speak to your dad alone). Minimising contact with friends/family - controlling. Just because your dad is a man and his partner is a woman doesn't mean that there is not something 'wrong' in the relationship. The lack of contact with others/checking the others messages/always speaking on speaker phone would be massive red flags for me if that was one of my mates.

Do you know what her attitude to booze is like? Are they enabling each other?

And more importantly, how are you going to get your DC home? Because that is what you need to do, tomorrow.

Agree with what Wilson said. That is alot of massive red flags.

Another interpretation could be that she is trying to keep him sober by checking up/taking control, etc - but even if that was the case, my point about getting your DC out of there would still stand.

I don't know what to do long term, but step 1 is get your 11 year old home to you. The rest comes after!

When I was thinking about how to reply to you Wilson, I was going to say how Dad 'needs' steering and that he was lost in those two years after he split with mum because he had nobody to tell him what to do.

But thinking about it in that kind of reverse situation, my mum is very, very manipulative and controlling, I knew this, but I'd never thought of it as an abusive situation She'd spin it that he needed telling to do things, he probably believed it in the end like I did.

It has crossed my mind that his DP might be engineering it so we can't talk, but I could explain it to myself as it just being the situation they live in and that Dad didn't talk much anyway.

I was glad he had someone who seemed to give him some direction, and in a comparison to how he was when he was in dark times he seemed so happy.

Plus they're both getting on a bit (their words not mine ) so they're making the most of what they've got while they can.

Who am I to cast a shadow over that?

Maybe he accepts how it is as a trade off for how it was for him before?

And DC is home tomorrow morning, there's a reason how I know there won't be any drinking going on tonight.

DC home safe and sound

Dad and his DP came round to drop off, every time I was talking to him about chatty stuff, his DP talked over what he was saying She does that quite a lot.

It happened at least five or six times in the short time they were here, in the end I just kept looking at Dad to encourage him to finish what he was saying rather than turn my head towards her.

She does it to me too, asks a question when we're talking, and then when I've got a couple of words into answering she'll turn and start talking to someone else

Not sure what to think.