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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The Poisonous "Friend"

22 replies

angryfriend · 13/08/2012 17:31

After studying and living together at University I became really close with one particular friend.

After University, we have continued to remain in contact.

However, various problems have arisen throughout our friendship.

I have recently found out that she has been manipulating other people around me in to thinking that I am a vicious bitchy character. Some of these people are her friends, who I have met on numerous occasions throughout the time I have known her. I have always felt an atmosphere of tension but I had always been civil and polite and could never understand why they would keep their distance from me. I have found out that she had warned them to stay away from me, despite the fact that as far as I am concerned, I had never had a serious problem with her and we have always been close.

Whenever I meet with this friend I also feel like she constantly puts me down and criticizes everything that I am doing. It feels like she is trying to compete with me over anything and everything, particularly over our respective relationships. For example, I will tell her that my dp and I are going away on a short weekend break and she will then inform me that her and her partner are planning a 5 star luxury holiday. She will constantly be trying to show me and tell me how amazing her life is with her dp. I am honestly happy for her, and could never ask for anything more from my partner but I do not understand why she feels the need to always have "one up" on me.
But unfortunately, I have also been dragged in to this game and I can admit I do sometimes get satisfaction from telling her when things are going well for me. My dp thinks I am looking too much in to the whole situation and gets annoyed when I tell him. He feels like I waste too much time getting annoyed about this.

I have also recently found out that she has been lying to me about the "progress" she has been making in her own life and pretty much everything she has told me. I have always thought of her as a good friend, so I can not understand why she would lie to me.

Am I being unreasonable and looking too much in to her behaviour? After finding all of this out, I do not feel like I could be the same with her again, how should I approach this?

OP posts:

Denise34 · 13/08/2012 17:32

She is not your friend. Cut her off.

JumpingThroughHoops · 13/08/2012 17:34

It's a bit like a Christmas Round Robin isn't it? Full of exaggerated good things.

She isn't your friend. Sideline her.

PatFenis · 13/08/2012 17:39

Your 'friend' sounds terribly insecure and is trying to hard to make you think that her life is magnificent when in actual fact she is probably miserable and is only trying to undermine you to make herself feel superior. Ignore her, don't engage in her juvenile behaviour.

SoleSource · 13/08/2012 18:18

I think the going on holiday thing is a.coincidence, why wouldn't she tell you and why mention that unless you are envious. How did you find all this out,
Sure it is a reliable source?

Chubfuddler · 13/08/2012 18:21

You don't sound like you like her much. Sometimes friendships are more habit than anything else. Let it whither. You won't miss her.

MagicHouse · 13/08/2012 18:24

If what you say is true, she doesn't sound like any sort of a friend at all. I would look to other people for friendship if I were you.

LastMangoInParis · 13/08/2012 18:29

Your relationship with her is obviously fraught with hang-ups - could be hers, could be yours, almost certainly 50/50, though, and probably something to about the relationship causing her/you to unwittingly regress to uni-stage petty mindedness. (Maybe a way to not grow apart? Which is what you really shoud do...?)

PedanticPanda · 13/08/2012 18:30

I had a 'friend' like this too. I once went to a party but she had got there first and was meeting me in there. She had told lots of people who hadn't met me not to speak to me because I didn't like people and wouldn't want anyone to talk to me. I went and felt awkward the whole time as nobody would speak to me and would brush off any conversation I'd try to start!

I later found out she had been making up really horrible things about me and telling everyone. And that half the stuff she had confided in me about other people were all lies too.

I ditched her (and made sure she knew exactly why!!) and haven't looked back. Friendships really shouldn't be that difficult - get rid of your toxic friend before she causes any more problems.

SoleSource · 13/08/2012 18:32

Great post Mango. Fraught with hang up friendships I have had a few of those. Hard to say goosbye do I let them dump me...

SoleSource · 13/08/2012 18:35

Poisonous friends are just that poison. Give you a bad reputation and it is a shame people sometimes follow like sheep instead of finding out for themselves. Baa.

SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit · 13/08/2012 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mia4 · 13/08/2012 19:56

Cut her out of your life. What good is she really bringing to it?

SarahStratton · 13/08/2012 20:11

My sister.

We no longer have any contact. You don't need people like that in your life. Sadly, my DDs are in 100% agreement with me.

pigletmania · 13/08/2012 21:09

my goodness she sounds very insecure and low confidence. she does indeed have some ishoos, i would ditch this person, she needs to sort herself out

icecold · 13/08/2012 21:15

How did you find out? Who told you? Are you sure they are not fibbing?

Backtobedlam · 13/08/2012 21:20

We are only hearing one side, but if you truly believe what you have written then cut ties. There's no point having fake friends, you either like someone or you don't, and it really doesn't sound as if you two actually like each other anymore.

NervousAt20 · 13/08/2012 21:22

She doesn't sound like a friend! I think your life would be better off without her in it

Softlysoftly · 13/08/2012 21:23

do you tell your friends how she is playing games etc? How often have you obsessed and rubbed in your glorious life?

I would say if you were to ask her she would say the same as you about you, the friendship has turned sour and turned you both into not very nice people to each other so cut it loose, for the sake of your poor DH if noone else!

Original poster

angryfriend · 13/08/2012 22:34

The person who told me is a mutual friend who I consider to be a very reliable source.

In the past I have attempted to confront her on various issues but shes always plays the innocent character which makes me question why bother this time.

Everyone is right in saying I would be better off without her, or I need to cut her out for good. But the situation is a lot more complicated - we're in the same circle of friends and have been for many years. Not to mention our DP's are very good friends (although I'm not very fond of her OH, the most arrogant manchild you will EVER meet).

Softlysoftly - I completely agree with you, I noticed myself that I got slightly carried away so decided to step back. I guess she took the silence as a window of opportunity to parade her life even further.

SmellsLikeWhiteSpirit - Yes she does the same. She will share her good news and when or if I reply - no response.

I don't want to sound petty, putting aside this side to her we generally get on well. I feel like she lies more to herself than anyone else. But its a frustrating situation to be in when you have NO idea why your 'friend' is like that only with you.

OP posts:

FizzyLaces · 13/08/2012 22:39

It is so hard but you have to end this friendship. Situations like this don't improve and I have been there too.

LastMangoInParis · 13/08/2012 22:42

angryfriend - she sounds quite unhappy. (Obvious, but significant?)
If you feel you have no choice about being in contact because she's part of your social circle, then just try and re-adjust your attitude to her - see her as someone you have to try to get along with rather than someone you expect anything of, IYSWIM?

idococktailshedoesbeer · 14/08/2012 13:41

I had a friend like that once. She became so critical as well as copying everything I did that I found myself wound up to the point where I thought I was going mad.

Eventually I cut her off and although I really missed our closeness the relief I felt from not being around such snarkiness far outweighed it.

I learned my lesson and vowed not to continue any friendships where I wasn't getting anything back, no matter how much I liked someone. Life's too short.

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