to think if you don't know what your on about to shut up.

[MrsBucketxx]

I'm probably being v unreasonable but here goes.

i have a freind who has recently adopted a very small baby at 8 hours old and another that has just had a baby very bad birth and is having trouble with feeding.

the one with feeding issues was told by the adopted babies mum that her milk should be here by now, and her baby is crying cause she is hungry, and to switch to formula as this is better and her little adopted angel sleeps well etc cause she has a good meal not just colostrum etc.

she also said that co sleeping will kill your child

i really want to tell my freind who has adopted to not give advice without any experience as she cannot breast feed due to her baby being adopted.

AIBU for wanting to tell her to be quiet get educated and back off

I think if you phrase it in quite that way it might be kind of hurtful to the adoptive mum. Having said that, her advice does not sound helpful. Maybe you could just remind her that all babies are different and that what your other friend needs right now is support, not lots of different people telling her what to do..?

I think it would be very mean indeed to do it the way you do.

You learn very on as a parent whether your children are biologically yours or whether they are adopted that you face criticism and honestly nine times out of ten the best thing to do is laugh a bit, say something meaningless "well, we'll see!" with a nice smile was mine. Unless your children are genuinely being annoying in which case you apologise (or if age appropriate get them to.)

Give your friend facts by all means, kellymom is a good place to start, but don't phrase it the way you have said it here.

Oh, that's so difficult.

I should think the woman who's adopted the baby might be giving advice to sort of bolster her own confidence, you know? It's not her fault she doesn't have direct experience.

OTOH, it does sound as if she's saying some pretty out-there things!

I wouldn't tell her not to give advice without experience as it would be so hurtful, but I think I would tell her she is upsetting your other mate and could she back off?

i haven't said any thing, mummy with feeding issues just looked at me and i just sat there smiled but i was seething inside.

both are good mates i want to help and give advice but not upset adoptive mummy.

adoptive mummy is a bit full on anyway, she bulldoses through life at the best if times.

i may take feeding issues mommy for a coffee, and tell her my thoughts on what was said, and keep AM out of it.

Colostrum is the best meal there is for a new baby! I imagine your friend who adopted the baby may be feeling a little threatened/jealous that the other mum can breastfeed.. Although actually it is sometimes possible for adoptive mums to breastfeed. If you Google Dr Jack Newman there's some interesting info on it.

Unfortunately we all say things in our sleep deprived states that are inappropriate or unhelpful.. All I would suggest is being supportive to your friend with feeding problems, maybe directing her to the breastfeeding boards here, Kelly mom or similar. I understand the temptation to say something especially as IMO your other friend is giving false 'information' but I think it will just lead to a falling out when they both probably need all the support they can get at the moment.

Sounds a good plan, they obviously need to be apart for a bit!

Good luck with your chat to her.

The advice still given out is that co sleeping could kill your baby. A lot of people do it safely but I dont think she was saying it in a mean way, she was probably just passing on what she had been told.

WRT the bf issue she probably should just keep out of it. But again I cant see it being said maliciously. She probably has a lot of emotions going round at the minute. I cant imagine it would be easy adopting a baby.

I think YABU.

Thu her advice isn't that out there. This advice is still given out by some hvs and mws. My hv told me co-sleeping was dangerous when I had ds 17 months ago.
she maybe just passing on what she has been told, thinking she is helping. If this is the case yabu. We all get loads of rubbish advice from people when we have kids. Giving birth doesn't make the advice any better or worse.

yeah ill do that nicecup i think the bf boards here are a god send.

AM may be feeling threatened i think, either that or not educated on what's correct in regards to bf.

Also giving birth doesn't make anyone more qualified to give advice.

I agree with Dante. It sounds like she i just learning the ropes herself and trying to be helpful. I don't think you are being unreasonable for worrying that your friend might be upset by it. Has she spoken to you about it? If not I wouldn't bring it up as it looks like you are trying to cause a problem.

I'm not saying that bit someone who can't bf and has no experince at all should not be giving bf advice.

she is a really good mummy otherwise. it would be like me telling someone how to drive a tank when i have never even been in one.

the bf mummy is really struggling with it tbh. as her little one cries all the time :(

we where all there talking and she asked in general what to do.

Are you sure you're interpreting their words as they meant them? One of my friends (with a biological child) WAS having terrible trouble feeding her little boy, and she was also being subjected to bullying behaviour by a breastfeeding counsellor. In her case, she really wasn't producing much milk, and her DS had a few problems of his own, which meant that formula really was the best option for both of them. Adoptive Mummy might have recognised a similar situation, and if her own baby is thriving on formula, she isn't being U to suggest it, although she could probably express it better (no pun intended).

She is also the mother of a young baby, however that relationship came about, and in her head, she is probably just sharing her experiences and trying to be helpful. There is probably an element of trying to fit in with other new mums, too. It's quite hard fitting in as an adoptive parent, as people make a lot of assumptions about you and your child. I rarely admit on here that my DD is adopted, for that reason. Due to the circumstances of her coming to us, DH and I have little in common with many in the "adoption community", and prefer to be part of the general parenting community, if such a thing exists. Both of us have probably committed similar faux pas in the past.

That sounds precisely like my mother and mother in laws and sisters advice to me as I have been struggling with dd2, between them they have had 11 babies so no the adoption angle has sweet fanny Adams to do with it therefore YABU.

Tell feeding friend to get on the feeding boards here and learn "thankyou but I want to feed so that's not helpful, just offer tea biscuits and mute support please" + a large forced smile. Worked for me we are at 11 wks now and have yet to bitchslap fall out with a relative or friend.

maybe i took it the wrong way bfing mum is in the verge of giving up, i just want her to make the best informed decision.

But advice that's ok to give can be as valuable as advice to continue.
I had to stop bf at 5 weeks due to being admitted to hospital and put on morphine. I expressed the milk I couldn't use. But a side effect of morphine can be that it shuts down milk production. I tried to persevere but my mums advice (who has never bf) helped me come to terms with it. Dd and I were much happier when I felt less disappointed and accepted I had to stop.

Tbh if a friend of mine told me she was struggling like that I would probably give the same advice. Though thats because I was in that exact situation once. And to me it was more important to have a settled baby than to bf.

I really do think you are creating an issue where non exists. And it sounds like both you and the bf mum are being a bit judgemental of the fact your friend has adopted her baby.

It doesnt make her any less of a mum.

I didnt bf after the first day, does that mean I couldnt give someone who bfed for a year advice on weaning etc? Even though a lot of it is common sense and widely available.

Advice is just that, advice. Noone is obliged to take it.

she cannot breast feed due to her baby being adopted

ofcouse she could of breastfed just google it.

wannabe has put it better than me. Advice is advice.