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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu regarding contact?

20 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 12/08/2012 22:12

Dd is 6.5. Usually sees her dad everyother weekend.
He's forces and lives an hour and a half away.

He's just had her for 21 days. With a break of 3 days inbetween as I thought dd was too young to go a whole 3 weeks without Seeing me.

10 Days ago, via text we agreed that the next time he would have her is the 31 aug.

Today, the day I got her back he's started telling me he is having her next weekend. That I'm selfish. That I'm not thinking of dd, that he's got his lawyer on speeddial ( unlikely Seeing as he couldn't even afford one for our divorce ans did a diy one) and that hes going for redincencey.

This has Been building for a while, hes been behaving awfully. Ie, he asked me to remind him on payday about dd's school uniform. When I did I got ' piss off stop trying to micro manage me' and then a ton of abuse, even though he had asked me too! And did recognise he had asked!!

Also he's not told me what time hescollevting dd on a Friday. He had a new job, I said anytime was ok,but to let me know. He Didny, couldn't get hold of him. Took dd to after school activities, gave her dinner, her upset, he gets cross said it wasn't important and flips me the Bird.

He's also in the army, so away on tours/ exercise, Its impossible he would be granted residency. In fact, due to the distance even shared residency isn't possible.

I've seen dd for 3 days of the holidays, shes not seen any of her friends.
Aibu?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:15

YANBU

He sounds like he's throwing his weight about a bit. Could you go to court for a defined contact order?

icecold · 12/08/2012 22:17

Sounds hideous. But AIBU what? What are you asking? Grin

Pobbage · 12/08/2012 22:18

What a horrible man, I have not got a lot of advice but sending you an unMNy hug and you are definitely NBU

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 12/08/2012 22:18

I dont know, the terms of the divorce were half holidays if he was available, every other weekend, again, depending on his job, as agreed by me.

Which, is what he has had. I don't understand what the issue is.
But he's getting abusive and threatening me when he's not getting what he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 12/08/2012 22:22

Just, Aibu to not let him have her again.this weekend.
And generally.

I dont think so, from the level of abuse.you would think I was.

Apparently im a selfish cow, thinking of myself, not that dd will want to see her dad.
And the only reason I made dd come.home for 3 days in the middle of his 3 weeks was bevagse I.couldn't cope, so I need to get a grip.

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 12/08/2012 22:25

Oh, watch he's a twat and an unreasonable one at that.

I suspect he's just doing this to play mind games with you. He wants to upset you and disrupt your life, don't let him get to you.

icecold · 12/08/2012 22:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable ay all. He sounds nasty

but unfortunately 'half the holidays and every other weekend's could be interpreted as what he is expecting Sad

What Does dd want to do?

starmaker7 · 12/08/2012 22:28

is he paying maintenance ,could you buy the uniform out of that then yo wouldnt have to ask him. As for the rest if you are doing as agreed what is his problem the idiot??

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 12/08/2012 22:32

He is. It's depressing me, a lot. I'm sick of being called names etc.

And he texts me stuff Like dd is scared of me, doesnt Like being with me, doesn't want to come back to me. Etc, etc.

It's rubbish of course, but I shouldn't have to be subjected to this, should I.

So, now I wont back down over this coming weekend, when I want to see her, after her being with him for 3 weeks, he threatens me with him applying for residency. And his ' lawyer' being on speed dial ( at 10pm on a Sunday night, who is he kidding)

OP posts:
ChaoticismyLife · 12/08/2012 22:35

No you shouldn't have to put up with that Angry

As for the solicitor on speed dial Hmm he's delusional, or very stupid if he thinks you're going to believe that crap.

hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:35

He won't get residence. These blokes have these tantrums, but it doesn't get them anywhere. What is damaging is if he's badmouthing you to your child Hmm

Stand your ground and refuse to be bullied and browbeaten.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 12/08/2012 22:37

Dd has said she wants to be at home and see her friends.

When I had her back those 3 days she burst into tears, begged to stay at home, not go anywhere, see anyone or do anything. She just wanted to sit/ stroke/ lay on me, slept in my bed etc.

Yet, according to him, it was me being selfish and dd was fine and Didny want to come home.

He will have had her more than 1/2 holidays and every other weekend. He had her the first two weekends of the holiday too, so, two in a row.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 12/08/2012 22:53

Your dd's wishes should be taken into consideration, which any court would do. Three weeks over the summer holidays is perfectly reasonable. You can resume weekends when school starts again. She's be exhausted and fed up if she's passed from pillar to post over her holidays like this.

This bloke needs to realise she's a child, not a sodding parcel Angry Sadly, a lot of them are like this - my own ex parter included Sad

CaliforniaLeaving · 12/08/2012 23:05

Do all your communicating with email and text and save them all, it'll prove to the solicitor that he is getting abusive.
It's your time with her now, he's had his part of the school holidays.

Socknickingpixie · 12/08/2012 23:09

reply with.

you agreed that the next visit would be 31st/8 next weekend is only what ever next weekend is. i have allready made arangements for dds and my time before the 31st. if you are going to insist on attempting to bully or intimidate me please contact your speed dial solisiter and make arangements via them.

then do not respond any more to his txts or calls unless it is directly to do with either that contact (31st) or limited to if he is able to attend or not.

i.e him. im working the weekend im due to have her.
you. ok see you two weeks after that.

or

him. im picking her up the weekend im due to
you. ok what time.

Sunnydelight · 12/08/2012 23:22

The forces don't like their people looking like dicks, personally I would go to his Commanding Officer and ask if Welfare can supervise handovers as the level of abuse you aree getting is unacceptable. Make all communication trackable as California suggests - text or e-mail only - do not take phone calls.

The residency threat is crap as you realize; draw up a schedule of access as per the Court agreement and give it to him. Tell him if he stops being an arse you will be flexible to accommodate his time away, otherwise it is what it is and if he misses a weekend, tough.

The "best interests of the child" is paramount in any legal proceedings, for a child of your DD's age you can easily argue that she needs certainly in arrangements, not to see her dad being horrible to her mum (that is actually now considered family violence here in NSW), and not to be away from you for long periods of time. Good luck.

icecold · 13/08/2012 00:03

I think you should keep a diary and the texts and go and see a solicitor yourself

There are lots of people in the Relationship section that can advise you from experiences of abusive Ds and contact

Tartymuffin · 13/08/2012 00:17

YANBU - some men in the Army do get residence, it's not unheard of. But there have to be reasons, not just because a grown man is throwing a hissy fit and trying to assert his authority over you because it makes him feel important.

Personally I would "work to rule" and work to the very letter of the contact arrangement. If his job means he misses some weekends tough biccies, you tried flexible, he was a dick, so why should you accommodate what he wants?

Obviously if your DD wants to see him more then that is something you'll have to consider, but otherwise, tell him to do one any time he asks to see her to suit himself.

Not sure I would contact the CO or Welfare just yet - that would be a big can of worms that might well make things worse - they aren't over keen on getting involved with exes and they don't really have to as long as he isn't breaking any laws, you may well find they would side with "their" man - because that's what they do (as I'm sure you know) When one of theirs separates from their spouse they can't get that spouse out of the picture - or house - fast enough.

If he calls you names on the phone tell him if he doesn't stop you'll end the call and if he says one more name tell him you warned him and you are now terminating the call. And hang up, switch your phone off and go do something else. And keep doing it until he learns that if he wants to speak to you he has to do it with respect or you won't speak to him at all.

You do NOT have to tolerate verbal abuse. If he starts end the communication. If he is abusive via email or text keep them - and if it gets too much report him for harrassment. He has a right to REASONABLE contact with you regarding your child - he has no right to be abusive, that is still an offence.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 13/08/2012 10:34

Yes, thats what he is doing.
I'm going to go with work to rule.
Essentially he sees this as me being controlling, which I'm not ( it was an abusive marriage, in every sense) so It's not me with the controlling issues. But does mean he will ramp his behavior up as I'm not falling in line with what he says :(,

OP posts:
Tartymuffin · 13/08/2012 11:38

I'm sure he will - but the bonus is you aren't married to him anymore, and you are well within your rights to refuse to tolerate it.

He'll have his paddy, it may well go on for a long time, but if you are consistent in your refusal to tolerate his behaviour at some point he will have to modify it, or it's him that will lose out. If he continues to harrass and abuse you get a solicitor to send a letter saying you'll take him to court to modify the contact arrangement because of his refusal to behave appropriately.

Army wives (and exes) have a strength that most people never have the need to develop - you CAN deal with this. You can stand up to him and pointblank refuse to tolerate his behaviour - and you can ride out the paddy that will follow.

He's only doing this because you hold all the cards - and as a control freak he can't bear that. Unfortunately for him you DO hold all the cards, so he'll have to get over himself and suck it up or suffer. If you hang up on him every single time he is verbally abusive you take the power away from him. If he won't stop tell him you will only speak to him via email or letter, and if he is still abusive that way, tell him you will only deal with him via solicitors. If you can stand strong and be consistent he WILL get the message, and hopefully sooner than you would think.

Good luck - I've had the fun of dealing with a controlling man, and then I married a soldier lol!

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