Or is my MIL being unreasonable?

[balotelli]

Brief background.

MIL has her own home. Two DD's My DW and DD2. She lets DD2 and DGD2 live with her rent free, share of the bills and housework (which DD2 rarely does) We have DGD1.

DD2 and DGD2 went out for the day yesterday so we took MIL out for the day. We took her shoe and clothes shopping and bought her lunch. We had a really nice day out....... but when we went to look around a book shop MIL picked up a book and said outloud 'I'll buy this for DD2 in case she is in a bad mood later' She then picked up another huge book and said 'I'll buy this for DGD2 so she doesnt get bored tomorrow' Then she trotted off to pay for them. Not once did she offer to buy DGD1 a book which we had to buy. SHe is constantly buying DGD2 gifts and clothes but hardly ever does for DGD1.

It really gets to my DW but cant say anything to her DM because she will just start crying claiming we are all being horrible to her making her out to be a selfish person. My poor DW feels that MIL favours DGD2 constantly but luckily DGD1 doesnt seem to notice just yet.

Maybe it is just me .... I dont know.

Look forward to hearing your opinion.

(I am wearing a flame proof suit)

Was this in front of your DD?

I'm a cheeky cow and would have said 'Oh that's nice, what are you buying our DD?'

Sibling rivalry between your wife and her sister.

Even if the sister didn't still live at home there would be jealousy, real, imagined, contrived or otherwise.

The sister obviously still lives at home for a reason.

All a bit childish isn't it?.

Its happens alot. Your mil is more involved with your sil so had an interest in making sure the dgd isn't bored.
My mum treats dbro more favourably than me even though I do more for her. An example would be that we all went to Florida. Me, dh, dd, mum, dad and dbro. Dbro lived at home and had a decent job. They paid for dbro to go, but no offer to help us. It honestly didn't bother me.
I don't know what his finances were. I was just happy that he could go.
Mum also pays his council tax to help him out. He has a small mortgage, and he and his dw both work ft. Again no offer to us, ever. But i am happy not to rely on my parents and be independent.
Its never cause an issue between me and my brother. We are different. I like being independent.
Your mil is unlikely to change, but you dw can change how she views it an reacts.

Your MIL is being unreasonable when it comes to her grandchildren. I can't abide favouritism between grandchildren, there is never a good reason for it.

It's not great between children either, don't get me wrong - but you're adults now and should be able to deal with it. It's not fair on the children.

My DH has a cousin who is a single mother. She has never been in a long term relationship with the father.

This boy was always a "favourite" of one of his aunts (with no children of her own) because he was the "poor fatherless boy". She was going to leave part of her estate to him, at one stage, apparently, to make up for the fact that he had no father to inherit from.

Perhaps this is what your MIL's attitude is?

But, I agree it's unfair, BTW.

YABU

I am one of 4 and wouldn't expect my parents to treat us all the same...I don't treat my DC all the same either. I love them all the same, but care for them according to their need as do my parents with my DSis, DBs and i.

Example of this...DB1 and DB2's partners have both recently given birth. SIL1 had a straightforward pg and DNiece is first grandchild on SILs side. Other grandparents are both teachers and have been off work for the summer.

SIL2 had twins, both spent several weeks in NICU, and they have no other family help.

My parents have devoted a lot of time helping out DB2 and his family, and much less helping DB1 and his. This isn't favouritism IMO, it's helping according to need.

OP, perhaps MIL feels you are able to afford treats and extras for your own DD but that SIL can't. I'm a LP on a lowish income, and my parents help out by paying for my DC to each go to a club/hobby once a week (eg.Brownies). I hope that my DSis and her husband do not feel resentful that they do this, as they are easily able to afford to send their own DC to several clubs.

Ballstoit has hit the nail on the head.

I too am one of four. I get the least 'help' from my parents. I cherish my independence though.

I can see though that she was insensitive to buy dgd2 a present in front of dgd1.

Yes it was in front of DGD1.

It has been on going for ages.

DD2 has made rubbish choices in life which is why she is living with her mum but she keeps making crap choices despite lots of help and advice.
She relies on MIL for everything and takes her for granted doing no housework, being a moody grump and dissapperaing off at no notice leaving MIL with DGD2.

MIL has also never baby sat for us in 4 years! as she doesnt want to leave the house too often!!

Ok, I see your point. But it sounds like your wide gas a happy marriage and lovely husband. Her sister is alone. So I can see why their mother perhaps thinks that you are looking after your wife so she has to look after her other daughter. I do understand why this might be hurtful, but really - it sounds like your wife has, on balance, a much happier life. So why begrudge her sister some extra presents and attention?

Oh good grief. "wife has" not "wide gas"

Sorry!

Still doesn't let her out of the way she favours the other GRANDchild though.

I'm with Thumb. It happens with us. Dn is aware she is favoured Ds is aware his cousin is favoured. He is a very stoic chap about it all. Sil is a cow who has ruined my pils retirement, but they enable her to do so.

I do not think dh is "childish" to be hurt by this. Nor Ds.
But it's their choice, as much as they have one.

You mil probably doesn't want her dd and gdg living with her, but she can't say that can she

On one hand her daughter doesn't have a partner to treat her so i cannot see what is wrong with buying her dd a gift but buying for one gc and not the other isn't fair and may make your child resentful iyswim.

My mil used to brag about what she had bought for her other gcs infront of my dc and treats mine like second class to her other gcs. My children had started to notice and were getting very jealous, which caused a lot of problems but to be fair my mil is a nasty piece of work in many other ways so that was just one part of us parting ways.....

I think MIL feels that her eldest daughter is fine because she has you and is strong and independent. Whereas DD2 'needs' her more. My grandparents and my parents did this. "But you've always so organised and independent..."
The difference is that mine acknowledge their behaviour and we can discuss it. And I don't really mind being seen as strong and independent!

I agree it's probably not favouritism, but treating them according to need. She may be misguided/not really helping DD2 in the long run by doing this, but I doubt she is doing it through favouritism.

Perhaps your DW could discuss it with her explaining that she thinks this is probably the reason she does it, so as not to upset/get into an arguement with your MIL?

My fil is the same,even more so now since mil died,last Easter he told us all he would would like to take all the family to Florida,this was sil and her 2 dc,dh,me and our ds plus fil.
Lots of excitement followed and on his request we got a very good quote,but then sil put her foot down and said it was too dear for fil.
Fair enough we thought,but then one of her dc let slip that they were all going to Disney land the following week,this was in front of my ds who was very upset.
Then this yr he took sil,her dp and the dc plus himself to a caravan park for a weeks holiday.
Fair enough but it was ds bday and he posted his card whilst we were out and didnt ring him and didn't answer his mobile to speak to him.
There is quite a lot of things he has done and I have come to the conclusion he is a bastard and doesn't deserve my dh as his ds and certainly doesn't deserve my ds as his dgs.
In my experience you can say something to your mil but it won't make a blind bit of notice,my dh has pulled his df up quite a few times but nothing changes.

Could you start the conversation with , 'Look, we understand that you need to help SIL more than us, but it's not nice for DD to hear you go on about her cousin all the time'.

Make it not about the presents, or indeed about you as adults, but about sharing her time and her thoughts equally between the grandchildren.

The thing is, she lives with the other grandchild, so the relationship is going to be different. She's probably reacting more as a parent to DGD2 than a grandparent, if you follow.

Just a thought, but could it be your SIL who is behind it rather than your MIL? I'm just thinking of my own situation: my sister acts like a spoilt brat and has tantrums when things don't go her way. My mother recently down-sized and thus got rid of a lot of her stuff. My sister took more than me (purely because she has the space for it rather than my mother was being unfair) but still threw a hissy fit when she realised my mother had given me a set of books (nothing valuable). She bullied my mother into telling me they were hers, and my mother, for want of a peaceful life, gave up and has said she can have them.

Perhaps your MIL is scared of being bullied by SIL and thus keeps buying her presents etc in an effort to keep her sweet?