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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on holiday without our DS?

50 replies

slatternlymother · 11/08/2012 15:10

MIL has offered to look after DS next year (when he will be 2; we've already arranged our holidays for summer and Easter) whilst DH and I go on a couples holiday to somewhere nice and hot.

It just cropped up in conversation, MIL (very kindly) said she would have DS for a week or two whilst we went somewhere together. I'm grateful, and so is DH but I really really couldn't bear it. If we go away, we go as a family and I'm happy with my lot.

MIL did the 'eyes to the sky' thing and said I was being a bit precious, and when I recounted this to a friend, she said I was mad and she'd kill for the chance to go on holiday alone with her DH.

Am I being really silly and pfb?

OP posts:

C0smos · 11/08/2012 15:40

I've never left my DS who is nearly 4 unless it's for work and then he's at home with DH. We both work FT so any holiday is for spending more time with DS, an afternoon off is great, maybe we'll even do an overnight one day but no more than that.
BTW I live in Afrixa where it gets rather hot, trust me DS doesn't even notice, he gets sweaty and flakes out a bit but he is happy to charge round in full sunlight for hours so don't let the 'too hot' comments persuade you

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2012 15:40

As long as you are prepared for any fallout from any decision that you make, you can do what you want.

I know of several parents that complain that their parents don't do much for them and lots for siblings and it can usually be traced back to one point in time.

Lexie1970 · 11/08/2012 15:58

You do have to do what is comfortable for you.

We left our DS with my parents for just a couple of days when he was that age and stayed a week at 3, 4 and 5 ( this year). At 3 he was fine as had no concept of time, at 4 stayed with my parents as we were packing up to move house and missed us dreadfully and I felt terrible and this year playing with his cousin by day 4 was asking how many more sleeps until we were collecting him.

It depends on child but no way should MIL act as if you are out of order by not going along with her suggestion :(

brass · 11/08/2012 15:58

'But they'd never expect me to if I wasn't happy with it!'

I think this is pivotal to the whole thing. Caring whether or not you actually have a good holiday in the midst of it is a good indicator of helpfulness or manipulation.

It's only helpful if you all come out of it well.

brass · 11/08/2012 16:01

'As long as you are prepared for any fallout from any decision that you make, you can do what you want.'

So if you decline because you are not ready yet but might be in the future then it's too late and you've lost all parental help to your siblings....er blackmail much?

Parents and help like that I've never needed!!!!

DamnBamboo · 11/08/2012 16:03

This questions always gets a a big range of different responses for different reasons, but simply put, if you're not comfortable and you won't have a good time for whatever reason, what is the point?

I would not have left my son at that age with my mum for 1 or 2 weeks and I'm struggling leaving them for 6 days next month with my husband too!

NervousAt20 · 11/08/2012 16:03

If you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it. You would go away and hate it the whole time so there's no point. Don't let your MIL pressure you into doing something you don't want

OldGreyWiffleTest · 11/08/2012 16:10

Well I must be a hard bastard - I would have jumped at the chance!

5madthings · 11/08/2012 16:21

oldgrey and anyone else that would do it, it doesnt make you a bastard at all, just that we all feel comfortable with different things.

my elder 3 have all been and stayed at relatives fora few nights here and there, 3 at the most i think? and the elder 2 have both been away on school trips for a week etc.

as we have 5 there is no way in a million years any relatives would have them all, dd at 20mths still co-sleeps so they wouldnt/couldnt have her anyway and ds4 still wears a night time nappy and occasionaly wakes with nightmares, falls out of bed and mil and my parents dont want to deal with that so as yet he hasnt gone but he will once he is out of night nappies etc.

for me a week would be too long for the little ones, ds1 would be fine as would ds2, ds3 would struggle with that length of time away.

its the emotional blackmail side of it that doesnt sit well with me, our relatives have been happy to do these things at a pace that we and they are happy with. no point in doing it if you arent going to be comfortable/relaxed.

jsut because op doesnt want to this year doesnt mean she wont another year, or htat her ds cant stay with his grandma for a shorted break ie a weekend :)

inabeautifulplace · 11/08/2012 17:02

We are just coming back from a week away from DD, who is with MIL. We have both missed her tremendously but MIL was with us for 7 months previously and sole care for her 30 hrs a week so we felt comfort from that. I know that I'll love DD more due to the time apart, because that's how my psyche works. If you don't feel that way then it's really an unnecessary hardship and you shouldn't accept such an offer until you are ready. You might never be ready...

hawaiiWave · 11/08/2012 17:10

Yanbu, I wouldn't leave him either, its hardly a holiday if you don't want to go! Your MIL sounds manipulative, please stand firm, hopefully she'll get the message that she can't push you around.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2012 17:10

brass
"So if you decline because you are not ready yet but might be in the future then it's too late and you've lost all parental help to your siblings....er blackmail much?"

Not blackmail. If the OP keeps turning down offers eventually they will stop. Next stop a post on MN "why will my DP help my DS/DB but not me?"

It is something to consider

Bonsoir · 11/08/2012 17:12

OP - I think you are mad not to jump at the chance of a holiday à deux with your DH! DP and I have just been to Sicily for ten days together sans enfants and it was, quite literally, like going to heaven

DontmindifIdo · 11/08/2012 17:15

how about "we don't/DH doesn't get much holiday allowance and while this might be nice for us, we want to make the most of our family time." Some people really don't seem to enjoy spending time with their DCs and are genuinely surprised others do. (they tend to get all defensive when you suggest you'd rather not go on holiday without your DCs).

bigTillyMint · 11/08/2012 17:20

YANBU - if you want your holidays with your DS, don't let your MIL put you off!

Whilst we were happy to leaves ours with the PIL for a couple of nights (and grateful for the break), we would never have considered leaving them for 2 weeks so we could have a "couples" holiday. We like family holidays!

Nobhead · 11/08/2012 17:37

This may seem like a kind offer but then when a decline is followed by an eye roll and accusations of being PFBish then I no longer see it as an offer- more like a "I want DGD for longer and the only way that is going to happen is if you are out of the country. Now you have ruined my plan and I'm not going to get my way" Be very wary of this behavoir OP it gets worse if you enable it and give into something you are not entirely happy with just to appease your MIL.

conorsrockers · 11/08/2012 17:51

I have had the chance, but I couldn't do it - and mine are much older. I know people that do, but that's irrelevant - I'm not them, and neither are you. If it doesn't feel right - it's not.
My Dsis still takes her kids (and their partners) on holiday - and they are mid-twenties!!!
And as for being precious. Damn right - being precious about YOUR kids, and her problem is what?

brass · 11/08/2012 18:17

boneyback from what OP has written it doesn't sound like she keeps turning down offers as though it's a regular occurrence. The child is only 1 now and will only be 2 next summer!

This offer is about what MIL wants and if she keeps making offers that are unsuitable she is likely to find that she is turned down.

Something to think about also. No point MIL getting hufty pufty about it because she can't dictate the terms. If someone is being genuinely helpful they don't try to make you do things that you don't feel comfortable about. It is blackmail if you say well you turned down all my unreasonable offers so I'm now withdrawing all offers of childcare or whatever. It's this attitude that causes problems imo.

cocolepew · 11/08/2012 18:27

My MIL was always offering to take DD1 so me and DH could do things on our own . We did that all before children. We had a family because we wanted to do things as a family.

squeakytoy · 11/08/2012 18:31

I can see the MILs point. Even when you become parents, you still have an adult relationship to maintain as well. So many couples get utterly entrenched in being parents that they dont bother to spend time with each other, and by the time the kids have grown up and flown the nest, there are two adults who no longer communicate and have no relationship together.

Children benefit from spending time with other family members, couple benefit from spending time together without their kids.

wordfactory · 11/08/2012 19:20

Ooh, I'm torn on this one.

On the one hand, DH and I adore going away together. We always try for a long weekend twice a year.

That said, there are just so many places we want to take DC before they leave home...Australia, China, India...oh I could go on and on...

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2012 19:38

brass

this time it may be unreasonable, but what about the next and the next and the next etc.

I am not saying that the OP is wrong, she knows the MiL and the DC. But she will have to let go at somepoint and it is better to do that whilst there are people around that are able to help. The DC is only 1yr old but afternoons with MiL and mum, could become afternoons without mum, to days with MiL etc.

How often on here do we see mothers wanting nights with husbands and no-one to take them? there is a line and yes it is for the OP and her DH to decide.

Almostfifty · 11/08/2012 19:39

I could not have left mine at that age for more than a night or two. Now they're almost grown up I love going away just the two of us.

OP, you do exactly what you feel is right for you and your family. I was happy to leave mine overnight, but that was enough for me. I could maybe have stretched to two nights, but that would have been it. (I have to admit, it was really lovely to be away knowing my DS was being adored by his GPs and happy).

If you feel you don't want to go anywhere, then don't. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable.

lovebunny · 11/08/2012 19:46

don't leave your baby! two is so very small.

SoldeInvierno · 11/08/2012 20:33

I never left mine at that age for more than 2 nights. When he was 3, we left him with PIL for 4 nights first time, and kept on increasing it like that. You have to do what you are comfortable with. There probably will be plenty of opportunities in the future to go on holidays without him.

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