AIBU to think it shouldn't be this complicated?

[SESthebrave]

Sorry this is long, but I think that's part of my frustration!

My DB and DSil moved about 330 miles away to Cumbria, about 7 years ago. They still have a flat in our home town and generally we (me, DH and 3yo DS) go and stay with them about once a year and we see them here about 2 or 3 times a year. The area they live in is beautiful and we have learnt to book our visits in advance as they have lots of people wanting to go and stay with them - friends and DSil's family.

About 3 weeks ago, I suggested to DB that this Christmas would be a good one for us to go and spend with them. We have 9wk old DD and so I'm on ML from my job in retail. (Normally I'm working a full day on Christmas Eve and am back at work on 26th or 27th Dec.) I know this was early planning but DB said we'd got in just in time as he was expecting his MIL to ask when they could go and stay over Christmas!

So far, so good! Then DB asked who else would be coming. My parents live very close by to us and rarely get to Cumbria as neither of my parents can drive long distances and don't like getting the train. There is also my younger brother and his wife. Neither of my brothers have DC but my younger brother's MIL lives close by them having moved there recently, not knowing many other people and not having any other relatives. My younger brother and his wife do not drive and neither does his MIL.

My response to DH was that we'd love it if the 4 of us could go but if he wanted to invite anyone else, we'd be happy to take two cars to give lifts to whoever could go or we could fit in our cars.

DB phoned my parents and invited them and we've agreed to give them a lift and DB said to me and my mum that it would be great if younger brother and his wife could go and younger brother's MIL too. A couple of days later, DB expressed concern about how many people he could host. They do have a large 4 bedroom house but one room is taken by a lodger. The lodger won't be there at Christmas but DB doesn't want to have to use his room. DB and SIL also own 2 other properties in the town which they rent out as holiday lets. DB said he is reluctant to forgoe the rent on one of these properties at Christmas as it would mean them missing out on about £450. The other option he came up with was one of our cousins has a holiday cottage down the road so somehow, DB persauded me to ask our cousin if we could use their cottage. Unfortunately not as they may be using it themselves. Fair enough!

This all transpired about a week ago and last night DB phoned me. It seems he's feeling guilty for not saying younger brother could stay in one of his other properties. I don't really know what to say as it does seem a bit mean but £450 is a lot of money. Older brother at no point has spoken to younger brother about all this, although I think my mum has mentioned to younger brother what could potentially happen. My mum also keeps asking me what's happening!

I get the feeling that at some point, I'll end up being the diplomat and having the appropriate conversations all round to make sure everyone is happy and knows the situation and isn't feeling guilty. It seems that no one else in the family will talk to each other!

Am I making this more complicated than it should be? Is this typical family politics? Is my older brother being a bit stingy?

if he didn't think it through it shows he was being generous but the reality of the logistics meant having to reconsider his original offer.

I think that's fair enough and people should understand.

yes thats a good point brass, op if you all go i think you will end up having to pay something, it is complicated, can you all pitch in a bit, tho i see you said one brother cant afford it, maybe you could say no xmas presents to each other other than token gifts and then your db can do a 'family' rate so he doesnt loose out too much?

someone needs to be uprfront with the various relatives and say yes its great if we all get together but not fair to expect db to pay for it all, am thinking food etc as well and so pitch in.

5madthings - you are right. I get the feeling though that that person will be me!

it really shouldnt be you that has to do it :(

you dont think your db will phone and say look this is great but having thought about it properly am going to need you all to pitch in with costs? i can see that it is hard as he is percieved to be so much better off.

I've hosted 15 people for the past 10 years at Christmas and it's wearing thin

Sometimes people can be or appear to be obtuse when it comes to pitching in! I don't mean just financially either, simple things like clearing the table!! Not much fun when it's your holiday too with your own OH and kids. People forget that.

Anyway I digress....

yes we did it once, when we were first in this house and no-one pitched in tbh, i think maybe my mum helped a bit with cooking. tbf my parents are pretty good when they visit now at bringing/buying food but some relatives just sit on their backside and expect to be waited on, even when they are visiting when we have had a new baby! most annoying.

its going to take a direct and upfront conversation, do you know who will be willing to contribute?

Has he actually asked them yet? Why not suggest he keeps it to just you. You then tell your parents and little brother you have invited yourself up there, that there isn't room in the house for everyone else so between you all you'll have to hire a cottage if they want to go too, and even though you'll be in DBS house, you'll pay towards their cottage if that's what they want to do (you can always say you think your DBS cottage is already rented out). If they don't want to pay, then they won't be able to go.

DB phoned my parents and invited them and he spoke to both me and mum about younger brother, wife and MIL coming. He's not spoken to younger brother about it but mum has mentioned it to younger brother.

Forget the holiday let get a hotel room/B&B for two
Nights for younger DB and SIL and split the cost of that. TBF the addition of her MIL I understand but is a bit extended family for you all to fork out for so she should cover herself.

Brass - I can see that it would wear thin but he could have said to me that he wanted a quiet Christmas this year and he didn't need to bring the rest of the family into it.

As for who will contribute, well my parents would contribute in bringing things but I don't think they would in cash. My mum is good at offering help with dishes, cooking, etc. (Better than me probably, I need to try better at being pro-active on that one )

Thanks for all your comments anyway. I think I just need to get older brother to phone younger brother and be honest about the situation. Maybe we can go with younger brother and his wife another time if older brother and SIL are ok with that.