i just smacked my DS

[fuzzybuzzy]

Please do not attack me.
DS behavior 5 has become increasingly hard to handle.He is an adorable clever child,kind to his sister and a great conversationalist.
What started as a bit of answering back has become ....Well I often just do not recognize him. High pitched screaming, defiance.Sulking.
He spat at his dad today.He also had a pile of bamboo sticks he gathered from the garden.I repeatedly asked / told/ threatened him to play with them in the garden and not wave them about the house. He accidentally hurt somebody .I was furious and threw them out.

He makes a war faces at me, has told me he hates me and will push and push and PUSH.
When he is disobedient I say " I am going to count to 3.I say this 100 times a day.He stops doing whatever he was doing and launches into something else provocative.
I smacked his bottom today, after a long long morning of provocation .I have never done this before.He cried and cried.We have since had a lovely chat in bed in which I explained that I am the boss and he must tow the line.

Obviously I am doing something wrong.
DH NEVER backs me up. When I threw out the bamboo sticks he piped in " Dont be so mean" or something along those lines, So this is hard for me and confusing for DS.

DH and I have a tempestuous but essentially loving marriage.

Please. Any advice??

There is nothing wrong in smacking a childs bottom when they have been warned repeatedly and are still behaving badly. He cried, that is normal, but if he stopped what he was doing and then behaved, he might think twice next time when you say "stop that or you will get a smack".

Spitting is disgusting behaviour and better a smacked bum than a child at A & E with a stick of bamboo in their eye.

Saying "i am counting to 3" and then doing nothing is just a waste of time unless you follow through after 3.

123 Magic by Tom Phelan Very good book. Works for 2-12 year olds. It will teach you how to count to three and get the result you need

Firstly, your DH is totally wrong undermining you!

Secondly, it sounds like you're not mean enough. With the bamboo sticks I'd have given one warning (play with them in the garden or I take them away) and then I'd have taken them. No repeated requests.

Sounds like your DS doesn't know where the boundaries are so keeps pushing until he reaches them - and by that point you have reached your limit and snap.

You and your DH need to sit and down and work out some clear rules and consquences, and then back each other up to apply them consistently. Maybe think about going to a parenting class together? It must be confusing for your DS to get a million warnings, then suddenly you snap, then your DH undermines you!

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Stick to your guns, if you're going to count to three there must be a consequence if you get there.

My dd's are 9 and 6 and i have always used the 1,2,3 thing.

They know if i get to three there is going to be serious consequences - i never get to three any more, sometimes i'm generous and give them a two and a half but i never get to three.

I don't agree with smacking. I just think it gives the message that bigger people can get smaller ones to do something by hurting them. (But not having a go - I have two little children an totally empathise with how hard it can be at times)

I think one of the keys is in what you said about "repeatedly telling him" to take his sticks outside. This means that you're asking him to do things but letting him get away with ignoring you. You need to decide on consequences and stick to them the first time. You could have said, take those outside, running around with them in here is dangerous and you might hurt someone. If you don't take them out I will and then calmly done it if he ignored you. (Though I KNOW keeping your patience is soooo hard!)

I used to watch Supernanny - I remember when my DS was little and never slept, there were hundreds of shows all through the nights and I'd watch them all! Her advice was

• Explaining to the child why the behaviour wasn't appropriate.

• Deciding on a consequence and sticking to it (eg time out step) - and she would get the parents to take the child back there, calmly, but repeatedly (even if it took an hour). The kids did get the message that this was the consequence and it WOULD happen. Eventually they did go of their own accord (though probably these shows are carefully edited!)

• Organising lovely times with the child/ children as most of the behaviour was simply attention seeking and wanting some time with their parents.

Have you spoken to his teachers at school - they might be able to help with the behaviours, or tell you if he's the same at school and work out some strategies with you?

I wouldn't feel too bad about the smack - sounds like you were lovely with him after it. But I would decide on how you want to discipline, and get your DH on board too.

I smacked my DS when he spat at me. Sometimes their behaviour warrants one [shrug]

the smack is over - move on.

what worries me is why your son has suddenly become so badly behaved. is it new since starting school, or having new people in his class? is he being pressurised? are there problems in your relationship with your oh, which might be upsetting the child? you need to sort out a joint strategy on discipline, at least.
don't let the ds get away with bad behaviour - chances are, he doesn't really want to and is just begging for some boundaries and guidance.

I disagree with the supernanny approach unless a child is too yoing to understand other consquences. All it teaches a child is that they can do what they like if they are prepared to sit on a step and 'apologise'.

I agree that you and your husband need to agree rigid boundaries with meaningful consequences and explanations (stop doing that now because someone will get hurt....I asked you to stop you chose not to so...). It's much easier said than done I know!

sometimes kids need a good smack on the arse, doesnt do them any harm at all

screaming, swearing and shouting at them is far far worse abuse imo

I think you and dh need to s8t down - discuss ds' behaviour and where it needs to change and then agree on a discipline routine and then remain consistent together.

Don't beat yourself up about it, one smack on the bottom when a child is being really naughty is not abuse.
But i would be worried as to why his behaviour has suddenly become so bad, could he be being bullied or has something changed lately? Sometimes change can really unsettle a child.

Agree with hiddenhome, 123 magic is the way to go.
You do need your dh on side though, or your ds will play you off against each other.