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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to do this?!

18 replies

ChuckyNorris · 11/08/2012 11:04

Regular but have NC'd - fancied a change!

Basically, I've got PND and it's been getting better. Our relationship has gotten back on track, we're more intimate now than we've ever been and our son has brought my mother and me closer than we've ever been. But I'm apparently driving him "up the wall" over our wedding plans!

I like planning things. I don't care if it's five years off, or ten years off, or whatever. I'd be happy going down to a registry office tomorrow, but both his mother and my mother feel that a proper celebration is in order because of all we've been through.

In my "down time" (when DS is asleep and I've got a spare hour) I like to browse eBay for ideas, I've got a little "wedding scrapbook" of sorts, and it makes me happy to think about the big day, and to know that everything that could be sorted would be sorted. I don't bother him with it every thirty seconds or anything like that, but he just feels that it's pointless me doing it because it's not going to happen for a while, and we need to save up for it.

My point is that it makes me happy to think about silly things like balloons and place cards, and if it keeps me happy and it doesn't majorly impact his life in any way then he should just let me get on with it and let me be.

I just don't feel that there's anything wrong with me doodling ideas and thinking of colour schemes! What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
FelicitywasSarca · 11/08/2012 11:05

Yanbu.

JazzAnnNonMouse · 11/08/2012 11:09

YanbuSmile

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 11:09

So long as you arent constantly saying "what do you think of this/that" and it's just scrap booking, I don't see the harm in it. I suppose you need to keep an eye on the market to compare prices.

I've yet to meet a man who has any interest in his own wedding and would prefer to just turn up on the day when the wedding-fairy has organised it.

But you could run the risk of becoming a bore about it and driving everyone up the wall. Bit like a first time mother is a baby bore.

I'd be happy going down to a registry office tomorrow, but both his mother and my mother feel that a proper celebration is in order because of all we've been through.

Make sure you do what you both want though - not what your mothers want. It's perfectly possible to have a fantastic day without spending tens of thousands and all the stress the planning involves.

bogeyface · 11/08/2012 11:09

YANBU to do that, but YABU to have to save up for a large wedding just because your mum and mil have decided you should. If they want a big wedding, why arent they paying for it?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2012 11:15

Tell him that you were depressed and research has shown that one of the best ways to be happy is to have things to look forward to. It's actually been scienced and everything. Hope is a great antidepressant.

WorraLiberty · 11/08/2012 11:18

YANBU but maybe he sees your research as financial pressure?

If you're happy to have a small registry office wedding, then why not research that?

You should never plan a big wedding to suit other people.

ChuckyNorris · 11/08/2012 11:20

Oh no, they are helping to pay for it don't get me wrong!!

It's more that because of everything DP and I have been through, they want to really celebrate this because it's something that has lasted through redundancy and an awful pregnancy and illness and death and now PND. It's been such stormy waters with us that, now it's all calmed down, it's given everyone something to be happy for, IYSWIM!

And I'm not spending tens of thousands... good grief! My dress is going to be £92. I'm good with a budget!

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/08/2012 11:26

I find when Im in a low mood I make lots of plans. Usually all pie in the sky ones. Thats how I tell something is up.

But its good that you have something real to plan for iyswim. Its a pity your DP cant support you in that!

YANBU

jojane · 11/08/2012 11:38

I am just the same with my kids parties, I start planning the next one as soon as the last one is over!!! My husban thinks I am crazy but I love planning them and looking on the Internet for ideas/ cheap deals etc

MrsReiver · 11/08/2012 11:42

YANBU. If keeping a wedding scrapbook makes you feel good - go for it.

In the year before DH and I started TTC I loved whiling away the evenings looking at baby stuff online, happily bookmarking away. DH used to occasionally look over my shoulder and shake his head at me as he didn't understand but he was more than happy for me to window shop.

The one thing he doesn't like me doing is looking at RightMove - hoping to move next summer - as he feels it puts pressure on him to save, and get a pay rise. (I'm self employed and not bringing in a huge amount right now, so he feels he is solely responsible for our income.) So I am wondering if perhaps your DP feeling a bit pressurized from his DM, his MIL and now you? Maybe a wee chat to reassure him that you're not going to go all out on an enormous do will settle his nerves and then you can both enjoy planning it together?

JumpingThroughHoops · 11/08/2012 11:43

I don't really get planning, I'm more of your stagger from day to day person. Planning freaks me out.

RantyMcRantpants · 11/08/2012 12:52

jumpingthroughhoops I would like to present to you my DH, who helped plan and organise our wedding with me. He did research, came to shows with me and asked questions, talked colour schemes with the best of them and even discussed the merits of beef or chicken for the sit down meal. He was very much interested in how his wedding was going to be and wanted it to be memorable for us and our guests.

OP, next time he tuts at you just gently say that you know it is a long way off and you are not presurising him but it is helping your recovery to look forward to the wonderful day that he will make me you his wife and how much you love him and just give him a big hug and kiss and say what a wonderful person he is.

NagooingForGold · 11/08/2012 13:04

YANBU, but does it upset him? If he just thinks its pointless then it's not hurting him, but there might be more to it?

Thumbwitch · 11/08/2012 13:10

As Jumping says, so long as you are not constantly discussing it with him, then YANBU and he is BU. If it makes you happy, why not carry on? Some women have been scrapbooking stuff for their wedding since they were little girls! It's just something some people like to do.

If he thinks that you're planning ahead means you're aiming for some enormous extravaganza, then I can see why he'd be a bit more concerned - but if not, then he really is just being a miserable git.

ChuckyNorris · 11/08/2012 15:36

No, I'm not constantly going on about it - I swear!

I think it's more that he's the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants when it comes to planning. He'd be happy if it just all organized itself about a week beforehand!

I'll admit, maybe once or twice a week I'll think "ooh, not sure, might ask DP" and I'll ask his opinion on something, but he's just grouchy about it.

OP posts:
chirpchirp · 11/08/2012 16:49

YANBU! Get yourself on Pinterest. My DH is so lucky he married me before I discovered it!

Thumbwitch · 11/08/2012 23:38

Oh well, if he's so grouchy about it, that means you can just go ahead and do it entirely the way you want, and he's got no room to whinge if it doesn't exactly suit him.
Grin

ViviPru · 11/08/2012 23:43

Was just about to post what chirpchirp said. Feast your eyes :)

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