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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really cross with men

28 replies

DinnerMedal · 09/08/2012 23:30

So many situations at the moment with friends and relatives. Lots of DV and drama going on . I am so angry at the moment. Furious. BTW my Dh is lovely but I seem to have to pretend all the time that my female friends partners are all lovely just to protect those people from more grief. I don't want to see anyones DV partner anymore because I cannot keep up the pretence anymore.If you smack my friend I will not pretend you are ok anymore.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2012 23:33

So why pretend in the first place? Confused

By the way, men aren't the only violent creatures in the world you know

lastnerve · 09/08/2012 23:44

because all men are violent.....Hmm

and yes second that , don't pretend.

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/08/2012 23:49

You can be as cross with men as you like, but you would be better off being cross with those that are violent and abusive towards their partners.

As Worra and lastnerve said don't pretend.

ItsAPileOfBalls · 09/08/2012 23:55

Please don't pretend you don't notice. I have been at the other side ie having a DH who beat me but my 'friends' chose to turn the other cheek because to them he was funny, witty, soul of the party etc. Your friends and relatives need help - they need your help and your ear........

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 09/08/2012 23:56

I am cross with those that are abusive to their partners. Ok, good I won't pretend anymore. But I don't want to give friends with abusive partners trouble by being negative. I don't know how their partners will react and maybe give them a hard time.

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StuntGirl · 09/08/2012 23:57

I think she means pretend in public because the friends in question don't want to make the DV public?

MNsFavouriteManHater · 10/08/2012 00:00

Not all men are like this

Only the abusers and wife beaters are like this

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 00:03

We're all different but I couldn't spend a minute chatting to a violent man...let alone smile and pretend I think he's ok.

How much trouble do you think that's going to give your friends unless you tell them why you don't like them?

There are many reasons why we don't like other people, so I'm sure they can pick one.

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:05

yeh, My DH is not in this category. But at the moment too many friends are victim to abuse and I don't want to see these men and pretend its ok because my friends are.

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Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:06

Worra completely right

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Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:07

One friend wants to stay with her DV DH because he has mental prob;ems. I just think not her problem.

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JUbilympiX · 10/08/2012 00:08

I think op means that if she doesn't treat her friends' abusive partners nicely - as if they weren't pricks of the first order - then she is worried they might be angered to the point that they will beat up her friends again. Is that right? It's certainly how I feel with a woman I know whose delightful h beats her up. I'm worried that if I don't treat him with respect and civility then she'll get it in spades later.

So, I try to be civil (nice is beyond me, but always thought he was a shit, even before we found out he beat her), when I'd really much rather treat him with the contempt he deserves.

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 00:09

Nah I couldn't do it

I'd rather make up a reason why I don't like them and lie to their faces than pretend to get along with them.

misty75 · 10/08/2012 00:09

She's not saying that all men are DV. She's saying that a lot of her friends are in relationships with DV men at present. And that she is cross about this, rightly, for her friends' sake. And that it is hard for her to discuss her negative feelings about their relationships with her friends in case the abusive men take it out on her friends. X

misty75 · 10/08/2012 00:12

sorry x post

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 00:13

I do understand that misty but I think the thread title is more than a bit off and I'm not even a man! Grin

CrispyCod · 10/08/2012 00:18

It must be frustrating to see a friend in this position and feel so helpless.

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:19

Sorry Worra. I,m not agasnt men and never have been. But I have too many friends right now, wonderful lovely women who are suffering this way. Its making me irationally angry. It is off you are right.

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misty75 · 10/08/2012 00:24

No worries Worra! Tbh though I'm not too worried about the title saying 'cross with men': she's not saying 'all men'. I'd be just as cross with women, albeit not 'all women', if I had several friends with abusive female partners. And I'm not a man either :)

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:26

yeah granted. Women can give grief too. I know that.

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WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 00:28

Shall we just hold hands and be cross with everyone? Grin

I do understand what you're saying though OP

I have had many friends in this situation over the years and it's the more fucking frustrating thing ever.

You just want to shake sense into them and show them they're worth so much more and don't have to put up with such shit...but you know it's going to take a long time of to-ing and fro-ing before they make that final break (if indeed they do) because they're just so 'beaten down' and don't believe they can live without the fucker Sad

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2012 00:28

most not more...see I'm too angry to type!

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:34

It is true Worra. But so many years go by. The same situation again and again. This is karma.for real. They cannot hear us and that is the real frustration. They have to learn all by themselves. I had DV partners so I do understand a bit.

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misty75 · 10/08/2012 00:34

Sorry DinnerMedal. It is so very sad and frustrating to be in that position. I'm sure that you've tried many things to help your friends, and possibly the only thing you can really do is let them know you are there, if they need you this week, next week, sometime, a year, it's hard to know. Make sure they are aware of Women's Aid and stuff. If they distance themselves from you, please accept them again in future: it won't have been their choice to pull away.

Original poster
DinnerMedal · 10/08/2012 00:48

My Best friend has had a few DV relationships and right now the husband has been in police custody for assaulting her. She has little kids. Now the DH has been released and she has let him back into the house. This is not necessary as he could have gone to his mums house nearby. I am angry that he is back in the house a few days later. It is'nt right for them is it.

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