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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend not turning up to see baby no 3

14 replies

tazmo · 09/08/2012 23:24

Hi had baby 3 3 wks ago. Friend was due to come over fri but she said her son was playing up and hurt her back and so could not make it so could she come when son was in nursery on wednesday am. We'd am came and went and she texted on day at 12.45 pm to say she had strained her shoulder and could not drive so would weekend be ok. Told her sun was best but to let me know if her plans changed ahead of time as was peed off I had waited in like a lemon if she turned up. She texted back to say "ok we will just leave it" - no notice of till when and I asked her if everything was ok. Got the silent treatment and she has not texted since. She has left me feeling crap as a friend and feeling low cos just post pregnancy. A bit about her is that she has always been generally anxious but she has suffered post natal depression and she is in cognitive behavioural therapy and her son is 2, but recently query autistic and is working with health visitor to bring him on. However, even before pregnancy, we were to meet up about 3 or 4 times but she has only turned up once while her husband and son turned up with her excuse being either ill or cat was sick. I have tried to be sympathetic and have tried to not pressure her, but am fed up with her not turning up. Do u think I should just leave it, drop her as a friend or wait till she contacts me. I just feel crap but she is sapping my energy. The text seems to infer she is pissed at me and won't be in contact but feel she is not being supportive! Am I being unreasonable.

OP posts:

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 23:40

Aw OP, hope you're ok.

You're feeling shitty and to be honest it looks like you're using your friend as an outlet. She should be making more of an effort but it looks like she's got a lot to deal with too.

GhostShip · 09/08/2012 23:41

I'd text her asking her how she is and then leave it.

EightiesOlympicGolds · 09/08/2012 23:45

I would leave it for a bit. She is being flaky but in that case even more reason not to push for a meeting. It'll only annoy you more when she postpones again.

Original poster

tazmo · 09/08/2012 23:48

Yes have texted to say would be good to see her and if all ok but getting the silent treatment!

OP posts:

Fingerbobs · 09/08/2012 23:57

Ibth

missymoomoomee · 09/08/2012 23:57

It sounds like she has a lot on her plate at the minute. She will maybe get back to you when things are less stressful. Is she maybe annoyed because you haven't asked about how things are re her sons possible autism or her PND? (I don't know if you have but just putting the idea out there)

Fingerbobs · 10/08/2012 00:01

Whoops. I think you should look after yourself - I'm sorry you're feeling low and it's horrible when a friend lets you down. From my own perspective, having found one baby very hard and been a bit PND, anyone who had more than one felt intimidatingly competent, and it might be that, irrationally, she thinks you're very strong and don't need her support, while she feels inadequate for 'not coping' with one. thst's absolutely not to excuse her, because of course you do need love and support and peo

Fingerbobs · 10/08/2012 00:03

Argh sorry, premature posting again - people to look after you and share stuff with. But right now, it sounds like she's not that person. I hope you have other people to lean on. And congratulations!

Original poster

tazmo · 10/08/2012 00:33

Hi she has convinced herself son is not autistic due to health visitor having taught him to say "ready steady go" within 5 mins of being at her home but have noticed her son is not v developed but truth is I do not know much about it and they would not diagnose it this young so do not want to stress her further when am not an expert on the subject. Our other friends (all ex flat mates from university who know her too) apparently though he was ages ago. I was surprised to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

tazmo · 10/08/2012 00:37

Ps saw her before pregnancy ie the one time she showed up and though she was looking gr8. Said she was ready to go,through ivf again for baby no 2 which she was not contemplating 4 months before. We both had ivf (me for baby no 1 but got pregnant naturally 2 and 3 times). T

OP posts:

pigletmania · 10/08/2012 00:49

You said that she has had ivf for her only child, and you concieved your other 2 naturally. Could it be that she has issues about this, and mabey resentful that you coneived naturally, or sad that she is not able to, and trying to avoid you as it will hurt very much to see your baby. I felt like this ttc for dc2, had 2 mmc hated seeing peoples FB status announcing pregnancy, and giving blow by blow acconts of their morning sickness, i used to hide them. I tried to be happy for people announcing their 2nd, 3rd 4th pregnancy, but inside i was sad and unhappy it was not happening for me. Btw i now have a dc2 who is 6 months old, a brother to dd

treadheavily · 10/08/2012 01:41

I think leave it. She has been flaky and it's no wonder you feel hurt, but you can do without friends like that at the moment. Try to focus on the supportive people you do have and let her drift to the back burner.

You can't know what is eating her if she isn't honest with you and that's a sign of a weakness in the friendship too.

do you have better friends to spend time with?

TheBolter · 10/08/2012 02:11

Well if ahe's going through a tough time with her one ds, and knows that she wil have to go through IVF again I'm afraid she is probably deeply hurting at your apparent competency at handling three children and luck at getting pg so easily. It sounds as if seeing you right now is the last thing she wants. It's not your fault, there's nothing you can do other than let her come round to her situation eventually. It may take a long time though.

I have an old friend who is having an unsuccessful time with ivf and I know she finds it hard to see me with two quite grown up dds. I don't push it.

Original poster

tazmo · 10/08/2012 15:41

She finally replied and said she'd be in touch once things had died down there. I know she was keen to undergo ivf for no 2 but that is a recent thing. She said she did not want to set foot in the clinic 6 monthsvagomand gave all her baby stuff to me. Tho her husband did not seem keen seeing as it really has sent her off the rails! I have known her since I was 17 and now I am 41, but am finding it hard to feel patient with her when she won't even turn up! Do have other good friends but similar issues. One had ivf but not successful. Other one had one child but has had 4 miscarriages since ( plus her and this friend fell out big time about 2 yrs ago). Other flat mate single but cannot find a man. Other good friends abroad or down south so not many in close vicinity. Know a few people in area but more acquaintances so am feeling a bit isolated!

OP posts:

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