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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think FIL should have given us more than 3 weeks notice?

15 replies

dimplebum · 09/08/2012 23:07

A bit of background info

My mum childminds for my 2DS s 3 days a week (wed thurs fri) while i work. She has been struggling with ill health recently so has found watching my DS s hardwork.
FIL has recently retired, for the last 2 years he has stated that once he has retired he and MIL will help out (MIL cannot look after them alone due to ill health) with childcare rather than as it has been at the moment with just my mum. We told him over a year ago that that would be brilliant due to mum not being fully fit, and also as DS1 will be starting full time we would need someone to take him to school and pick him up as my
Mum also childminds another who attends a different school and she cannot be at two places at the same time. We decided together that he would take DS 1 to and from school on a wed, thurs, fri, my mum would continue to childmind them wed and thurs and MIL and FIL would childmind them on a fri to give my mum a break.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was reading one of FIL s retirement cards and noticed one of the comments from a work colleague was about him only semi retiring and still working 3 days a week. When I asked him about it he said " oh yes, im still going to work tues, wed, thurs" . Then when we asked him about the arrangement we had agreed re childcare of DSs presuming he would be doing shorter days so he could still take DS to and from school he said "no I can't take him anymore, I will be working 3 full days and we want to keep Fridays free to go to the caravan so we can't childmind the boys on Friday either"

I am furious! Please don't slate me, I totally understand that FIL wants to enjoy his retirement but when was he going to tell us! What would have happened of I had never read the retirement card? Also why offer to have them and mention it all the time to DS1 e.g soon I will be taking you to school etc.

So today was spent trying to find a childminder who would be able to fill his place and not one has places for both DSs! They all just say, 3 weeks is too short notice, aparantly our area is very low on childninders. Most of them have waiting lists! So I am well and truly stuck with 3 weeks to try and sort it!

OP posts:

Original poster

dimplebum · 09/08/2012 23:11

Just to emphasise, I am not angry at him for choosing not to childmind our DSs, they are our children and our responsibility and if FIL would rather be at the caravan then I don't blame him. It's the fact he hasn't told us this!

OP posts:

darksecret · 09/08/2012 23:13

YNBU.

Why are people so thoughtless?

zipzap · 09/08/2012 23:15

Very rotten of him not to tell you, especially given the short notice.

When did you last talk to him about the arrangements or did he mention it to your ds? If it was last year then had he hoped that you would have forgotten it?

Sounds like he has said things to your ds much more recently though - so I would make him be the one to tell your ds that actually no he isn't going to take him to school and explain why, if he is letting your ds down then you shouldn't have to explain it to him!

I would also say that your ds has been really looking forward to being picked up by his gd after his gd has been winding up the excitement about it so see if it would be possible for him to do it on the friday of the first week or two of school (especially if you are still having problems finding a cm) just so that he knows his gd still loves him and that he hasn't done anything wrong to make gd change his mind and lay on the old passive aggressive stuff thick!

thenightsky · 09/08/2012 23:17

Good heavens OP. Poor you. You really ANBU. I wonder if he is getting mixed up and forgetful though.

VegansTasteBetter · 09/08/2012 23:17

Yanbu

queenofthepirates · 09/08/2012 23:24

Grrrrrrrrr, very thoughtless on their part. My mum did a similar thing to me two weeks before I returned to work FT after maternity leave. I was distraught.

Lixa · 09/08/2012 23:33

YANBU, not at all. Get your dh to give him a good telling off - what on earth was he thinking!?! I wonder if relatives think mums work for fun and don't actually, really have to go? (Because obv their ds won't be expected to give up work or risk losing his job by being late if you can't find a childminder)

zippey · 09/08/2012 23:49

To be honest its hard not to slate your selfishness.

Your father has spent his while life working, and now he wants to enjoy his partial retirement. He looked after you for about two decades. Now you're complaining that he wont look after your kids for 3 weeks? He's not your childminder, he is a seperate person with his own needs, and his wife is ill. Give him a break.

I think it was a nice gesture for him to say he would like to look after your children, but I think you are being very selfish. Let them enjoy retirement.

Sorry but UABU

BaronVonAwesome · 09/08/2012 23:55

You're lucky - I got one week's notice from my MIL, right before I was due back to work. The nursery in my building had a waiting list of months. Luckily I found another branch of the nursery (same company) that was near to our home, rather than my work, so it worked out.

I hope it works out for you and I agree, some people just don't THINK.

Inertia · 10/08/2012 00:00

Zippey, I think you may have missed the point.

OP didn't demand or expect childminder help, but when her FIL repeatedly told her and the children that he'd do some childminding, OP was grateful and they made plans together. Now he is pulling out with 3 weeks notice.

YANBU Dimplebum.

SonnySpain · 10/08/2012 00:02

Zippey, I dont think you read the op properly. It is the op's FIL and he hasn't refused to mind them for three weeks - he committed to minding them three days a week then gave her three weeks notice that this wouldn't be happening.
YANBU by the way.

OxfordBags · 10/08/2012 00:06

Zippey, it's her FATHER IN LAW. It even says it in the title! The ill mother is her own, not his wife. Regardless of the relationship to her, it is unacceptable behaviour to tell someone that you are going to do something for them and then not do it, knowing full well how much stress and difficulty that will cause, and above all, let down a little boy who has been promised for ages that his Grandad is going to take him and fetch him from school. The OP hasn't demanded this of him at all, he suggested and offered it and insisted every step of the way that he wants to do this and fully intends to but has then secretly changed his mind and did not even have the decency to tell her he was not going to do this, she got a hunch about it from a card and politely asked him about it. He's caused her family massive issues by doing so. The only selfish person in this scenario is HIM. Obviously he can change his mind, but why not bother telling her? It's totally disrespectful. Op, YANBU! hope you can get something sorted out okay.

TheDetective · 10/08/2012 00:08

YANBU at all.

I can't imagine how angry you must feel. It's as if he thinks your life/work don't matter at all. Does he think childminders grow on trees?

All I can think is, twat. Sorry!

pickofthepops · 10/08/2012 00:21

YANBU. Unfortunately I think some in that generation are quite unaware of the complexities of life and especially for working mums. I know this isn't the case now, but once you get an alternative sorted I hope that it will be more reliable than in laws would have been. We were let down by a nursery who suddenly mentioned a waiting list two months before I went back to work. A new one opened near home just in time. Things work out. This is a blessing in disguise... Sounds like in laws would have done this at some point whatever.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 10/08/2012 01:53

Zippey

Did you even read the OP?

Tbh I started out reading it, ready to tell OP the same as you, but she's not angry at the not being able to mind them, she's angry because he's obviously known for a good while that he would not be able to mind them, and hasn't told her, so now she can't get anyone else. If he had told her when he decided not to fully retire, she would have gotten someone else and had no issue - I don't think its unreasonable to be annoyed that someone has offered to do something and then gone back on it at the last minute.

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