I had to stay at my parents (who live 250 miles from me) last week after my mother had come out of hospital after an emergency operation. She was making a good recovery but had been in a genuinely life threatening situation. I have never had a good relationship with my father which stems from him being, basically, a bully. He drinks too much, has never been physically aggressive, but shouts far too much and makes absolutely everything into an argument. I went to stay to help my mum out as my dad is 'old fashioned' - i.e. can't cook, clean or do anything that he doesn't want to do. He didn't even go in the ambulance to the hospital with my mum when she was blue lighted there and did the absolute minimum when she was in hospital. So I went to stay as soon as she was out of hospital to provide some help. I have 2 DCs and for childcare reasons had to take the younger of them with me when I went to stay.
the world.
On one of the nights I was there my dad and I had a massive row. I am never completely blameless on this - I come from the same gene pool and I know that I'm not always the most diplomatic person in the world. But it became very aggressive (verbally) and there was a lot of shouting. My mum - who is just out of hospital after a major operation - of course got very upset. I was accused of being disrespectful and rude (I was basically suggesting things that he ought to do around the house to help my mum to recover). It was loud and the house is not big. I took myself away from the situation as quickly as I could and went to bed. I think my dad carried on drinking late into the night. At 1.30am I was woken by him shouting and swearing downstairs - I think to himself. I was pretty scared when I heard him coming upstairs (even though I know he has never and wouldn't dare be physically aggressive).
At that point I realised that I can never bring my children to this house again. They are 3 and 1 at the moment. The 1 year old wasn't aware of anything that night but the 3 year old would have been. I don't want to put either of them into a situation where they hear this kind of thing going on. It's too upsetting and - frankly - it is very likely to happen. My father and I have a combustible relationship and I always cause him to erupt in this way.
I really don't know what to do. We live so far away that my DH and I generally go up to visit once or twice a year, with the children. We have to stay there. I can't say I'm not going to go - it would kill my mother. But I can't put up with the idea of my children having to listen to that and be scared by it.
How do I explain this to my mum? I only see two options going forward - one is that DH and I hire a cottage nearby in future and say we don't want to impose (which my mum will be offended by tbh - there is room for us). Or I explain to mum what the deal is (she's obviously aware of the issue) and say we can only come and visit when my dad is away - however, this will only serve to upset her and make him even more angry.
I know this is an impossible situation but does anyone have any advice having dealt with anything simpler?