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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off by mums comments? feeling a bit fragile (long sorry)

25 replies

lastnerve · 09/08/2012 22:13

I am getting married and planning the guest list etc due to expense and a large extended family I have to be quite decisive and sometimes maybe appear to be cutthroat to who is attending. my extended family live very far afield and some rarely see me or even know who I am.

She was telling about a relative she was talking to about this wedding, the person in question wasn't hinting towards an invite but my dm has come back hinting I should invite this person to the wedding even though I was excluded from this persons wedding a few years back.

I have nothing against this person at all, but if I am already having to be 'decisive' about guests It doesn't sit right with me to invite someone who didn't feel inclined to invite me to theirs.

"Well don't make spite your motivation " was the response , I was quite shocked and just said no, no but I've had to be decisive it doesn't seem right.
But I was really Angry she knows how hurt I was at the time and that I have nothing against her in any other sense and It just seems like common sense to me, and also I feel like her saying that is just emotional guilt, bullying to get what she wants which I feel is a bit shitty I very much doubt she would have rang the other relative asking them 'to make room for me' so why shouldn't my answer be good enough??
This happens quite often and often berates me to add people I can't afford/don't want :/

Please help AIBU???

OP posts:
Viperidae · 09/08/2012 22:15

It's your wedding OP, not your mother's.

If it were me it would rankle having someone there who had snubbed me with their wedding. Do what you want.

MrMagnusDoodle · 09/08/2012 22:17

YANBU, we had the same problem. There were loads of relatives my family wanted to be included, we couldn't afford it though so had to be tough with decisions.

My standard reply was 'we can only afford to have 40 for the meal, if you want me to invite xxxx then who do you suggest we contact to tell them they can no longer come?' That shut them up!

WelshMaenad · 09/08/2012 22:17

No.

Invite who you want!

squeakytoy · 09/08/2012 22:18

Not sure if yabu or not really. If you dont want her there because you dont like her then YANBU, if you are excluding her simply because she did it to you, then YABabitU.

What I will say is, I do not understand people who plan their weddings around excluding people because of the expense. Our wedding was planned around how many people we wanted to invite, and then finding a venue that we could afford to enable as many people (family and friends) as possible to be there. A wedding to me is about the guests, not the setting and the extravagance, but I know some people have different priorities, I just find it odd.

Tommy · 09/08/2012 22:18

I think all mothers-of-the-brides go a bit crazy... my Mum was the same and we ended up inviting a relative that we hadn't planned on inviting because of her telling them they were on the list.
You have to be assertive - easier said than done I know

ColourMeWithChaos · 09/08/2012 22:19

If your family is anything like my family then if you invite a few extended family members then the ones you haven't invited will be even more pissed off because they weren't "chosen".

This is YOUR wedding and it is important you have a day you are happy with.

And big unmumsnetty hugs if you're feeling a bit fragile.

Original poster
lastnerve · 09/08/2012 22:23

'If it were me it would rankle having someone there who had snubbed me with their wedding. Do what you want. '

This I have no problem with this person what so ever, I see them at family parties etc and I am fine but I can;t pretend being snubbed did not bother me.

I think I feel like I am expected to tolerated being hurt and offended by others but still constantly expected to be 'the bigger person' to my own detriment. does that make any sense? I feel to be called 'spiteful' is beyond the pale.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastnerve · 09/08/2012 22:25

I've had to cut out some people already or just not invite people I don't know too well, to invite someone who snubbed me at theirs, wouldn't that look bad?

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 09/08/2012 22:29

Could you ask your mum who should not be invited so this distant relative can attend?

darksecret · 09/08/2012 22:40

Don't think most posters read the thread of this title, OT.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable to be hurt by your mum's comments. My mother would make exactly the same kind of comment if she wasn't getting her own way and didn't want to admit to being frustrated about it. Very manipulative and shaming. Especially as you are clearly a child of your upbringing and have not made spite your motivation at all! The only way I survive is by calling DM on this kind of thing, every single time. It's wearing to be confrontational so often, but not half as stressful as sitting on all those comments!

Alternatively, I would be interested if your DM lives up to her own benchmark or morality during these wedding preparations. Would it be awful to suggest that you try and even up the dynamic a bit by following suit?

darksecret · 09/08/2012 22:40

OP not OT, sorry OP!

MakeItALarge · 09/08/2012 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrevilleTron · 09/08/2012 22:57

I'm getting married on Saturday and we couldn't invite everyone we wanted. YANBU to be upset by your mums comments.
We told people who were 'expecting' an invite that 'names came out of a hat' so apologies but it was the fairest way'
It's YOU that's getting married your mum has had her turn.
All the best

Viperidae · 09/08/2012 23:43

I understand your feelings of being expected to overlook bad behaviour in others as I get sick of this myself. Maybe this person doesn't rankle with you yet because you are not as old, bitter and twisted as me Grin

I think your mother has no right to speak to you like this as it is your wedding and she should be prioritising you, not herself or other random relatives.

Original poster
lastnerve · 10/08/2012 08:37

Thanks ladies, I feel like this happens a lot if I am not saying what she wants to hear she reverts to being unpleasant and chip away at my confidence until I say/ do what she wants I'm more likely to just give her what she wants and she will go on and on until I say 'alright'.

And I'm always held to a higher standard than everyone else. urgh I'm tired feel like an old lady (early 20's) but my mum is very educated in the way of behaviour and would certainly deny this behaviour.

OP posts:
HecateHarshPants · 10/08/2012 08:47

Tell your mum if it matters that much to her, she can give up her own place so that this relative can attend. Otherwise, shut up and let you make your own decisions.

You are an adult. You have got to change the relationship you have with your mother. You are no longer her dependent child, you are a grown up and you make your own decisions. She can only chip away at you if you let her. (easier said than done, I know - but it IS doable!) You have to become assertive and not give her this power over you.

Original poster
lastnerve · 10/08/2012 09:09

I do still feel like a child and even dp has noticed that I give in rather than challenge or say no.

I'm going to have to start saying 'I said no' etc.

I am overweight etc not pretty she often comments on my appearance and I'm often scared to challenge incase shes starts being nasty. god I sound like a child saying that.

OP posts:
Elsqueak · 10/08/2012 09:29

Wow, had very similar experience only I wasn't related or even knew the person my mum wanted me to invite. She actually still mentions it 5 yrs later which pisses me off. We had a micro budget and were compromising on so many things just to get our nearest and dearest there. I finally got to the bottom of why it was important this person was there and it was more because this person got invited to other family weddings and mum was concerned about how this would reflect on her to the attending relations if person wasn't there! She also objected to a lot of the things we had planned for the day (what will the rest of the family think! There was nothing outrageous at all.) but I stuck to our budget and what we wanted.

Hecate makes an interesting point about relationship factoring in. My mum has really struggled to treat me as an adult (I was 30+ at wedding) and it has caused countless arguments. Though I believe this has been further aggravated in my case due to my mum caring more what other family thought than what I wanted. It is really hard asserting yourself with your mother. I found it a painful thing as I just wanted her to be happy for my day but her issues were more important. This is your and your partner's wedding. If you do things to please her it will be her wedding. Is your mum like mine? Is she worrying about what other people will think if you don't I invite them?

Elsqueak · 10/08/2012 09:38

Just read your last message - that's awful. My mum is also tactless in her comments "your bum looks huge in those, can't you make an effort" etc. even though I don't rise to it it really hurts but she doesn't even think about it. Now she's retired it's worse as she lives in this retirement bubble and has no clue about my day to day life and comments without knowing all the facts. It's tedious.
It's hard to build your confidence and self esteem back up but maybe making these decisions and sticking to them will help you.

HappyCamel · 10/08/2012 09:38

I think you need to say "spite isn't my motivation, affordability is. I need to be sensible with my budget, this isn't always easy and I'd appreciate your support." if you really want me to invite x then which other member of the extended family do you think I should exclude.

I had something similar at my wedding, my parents insisted that we had to have a cheese board, we said "we'd love to but we can't afford it, if you want it, you'll have to pay for it" and they did.

Put the ball firmly in her court.

NoComet · 10/08/2012 09:54

It's always best if you can compromise, but who ever is picking up the bill gets the final say.

I deliberately got married 200 miles from home because my extended family all had to travel anyway and I didn't want to throw a disco ( which my parents and my PIL would have loathed) for the whole sodding village.

DH hasn't much family, so he invited his mad university computing dept. Who had become friends of mine too. I invited my larger family and best friends and long suffering flat mates (they'd put up with DH).

And it balanced nicely.

I'm sure the were mutterings in my home village at being done out of a party, but lines have to be drawn.

RaisinDEritrea · 10/08/2012 10:19

I agree that you can change your reaction to your Mum, accepting that you can't change her.

Has she given you money to pay for wedding stuff? IMO once parents have forked over some dough they kinda feel entitled to attempt to dictate how their cash ought to be spent, which can be tricky.

Ah, on scrolling back, I see that StarBall agrees that whoever has forked out gets the final say. I don't agree at all, the bride and groom should have final say.

See what I mean by tricky?

Original poster
lastnerve · 10/08/2012 13:35

erm, no but she isn't tight with money would always help is generous.

I going to have to dust off my 'I have made my decision' voice.

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 10/08/2012 13:43

My mother threw a strop with my sister over this issue-bizarrely about 2 friends of my grandmothers we kids had not even met in decades. My lovely BIL just said "If this happens again, we're eloping. And I mean it". He did too. My mother stopped straightaway.

Could your DP try that?

Original poster
lastnerve · 10/08/2012 13:46

Aha I don't know I'll keep in in my mental comeback notes,

OP posts:
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