would you punish lying in this situation?

[greenwichgroove]

Ok took dd1 and friend out for day. They come running up to me with a pound they have "found" in the soft play. Because they were honest and didn't just keep it I gave them some change for the sweet machine and took the pound to the counter incase an upset child realised they had lost it.

So they are sat in the car on way home with their sweets giggling and it turns out the pound was dds from money her nan gave her and she had wanted to share it with friend but thought I would say no ( they didn't realise I had handed money in)

I said to dd I don't get why she didn't just openly share the money. She's asked before and I've told her its her money her choice!

Are you sure she wanted to share it? Or could the other child have pushed her into buying him sweets and said "I know, we could......."?

If your DD has learning issues then presumably the other child is more able than her and therefore may be more likely to think up such a scam. I have a son with learning issues myself and my other children are NT and I know that DS was caught out like this by kids at school more than once, whereas the others are less likely to be.

I would punish for lying.
I would make her do chores or pay me back the two pound I had given as a reward.

I think at 10 this needs to be nipped in the bud and little lies soon become big lies.

But also if she was coerced then this might help her think better of it next time.

Sorry Ohhelp I wasn't clear, its an older children's soft play with big slides and lazer tag in it although it has an area for little kids.

Bogey I am not entirely sure if dd1 has the capacity to come up with the idea. I suspect he did, he was the one who came over and said he had found it. Dd was with him though and they were both laughing about "tricking me"

Dd was with him though and they were both laughing about "tricking me"

You see - THAT - is what would piss me off. No one makes a fool of me - and I'd make that pretty damn clear, along with the fact that lying to me is very stupid as she's far less likely to get my support in future if it depends on trusting her to be telling the truth. (Though it does depend an awful lot on how severe her learning issues are!).

I wouldn't have told the Mum unless she was a friend and I was saying 'guess what the little sods did today' kind of thing. I would just deal with the situation there and then.

Dont get me wrong, I am not saying that you shouldnt punish her in some way, but the punishment should fit the crime.

If she was the instigator and coerced the other child then she should bear the brunt of the punishment, which should be harsh. But if she was talked into it by him then she should be made aware that lying is wrong and be punished for that whilst also being helped to understand that sometimes people who we think are friends use us and we shouldnt do what they say if deep down we know it is wrong.

Imagine how you would want it dealt with if your NT child manipulated another child with learning problems into doing something wrong. Would you want that child punished harshly for something your child convinced them to do? Or would they rather be taught how to protect themselves against others that will use them as the fall guy in their scams?

I think that you need to talk to her to find out exactly how it happened.

Oh and I do think that you should tell the other childs parents, possibly in a "oh you wont believe what happened today!" kind of way. If they are decent people then they will be horrified and have a talk with their own child to prevent him doing it again.

The "tricking me" thing.

she may not realise the difference between deliberate nasty "getting one over", and playing a harmless trick.

I am biased because, as I said, my DS was victim to this. But that also means that I know how easy it is for a child with learning difficulties to be manipulated by a more able child and then end up being blamed for what happened :(

Bogey you are right.
She is the kind of child who will do anything people tell her.

God I'm dreading secondary, she's just going to give all her money away and do all the things they dare her to do isn't she.

And yes other child is in top group. Dd1 is the bottom person in the class so he is much more able.

I'd love to say that no, it wont happen, but as I can't I can pass on the things I've learned.

Dont let her have money at school, even at high school. If she needs to get the bus then get a monthly pass and send her with a packed lunch. Flag up with the school (and keep doing it) that she is vulnerable and could be used by the more manipulative and mentally able kids. And never EVER let anything go. I made that mistake early on and I bitterly regret it. If a child uses her, manipulates her or bullies her then fight fight fight for her. It works if only because the school get so sick of hearing your voice that they keep an eye on her to prevent you ever needing to call! Seriously, make a PITA out of yourself, it works.

Get yourself onto the SN board if you aren't already, they can really help. Take care :)

Btw, my DS is 21 now and has a wonderful GF with 2 (count 'em 2) degrees! She is 4 years older than him and is happy to be his support.

This is bit is hard but wont be like this forever :)

To me a lie is a lie and dd gets punished for telling me lies. It doesn't matter if its a pound or £50 she would get punished for the lie rather than the money.

But with dd what I mean by punish is a big talking to on trust and she knows I despise lying so the talking to I would give her would end in her being very upset because she knows how much I value the truth from her.

I would definitely ask her why she felt the need to lie about it as she also knows that any money she has she can spend (within reason) on what and who she wants.