i dont think every child copies parent's behaviour...

[complexo]

My friend is really short fused, and have no much patience with her kids. She is always shouting, telling them off and over reacting but...her dd is so lovely, kind and well behaved, so I wonder how? I get the impression that my dd picks up my negative behaviour much more easily than the positive and I really can't understand how her dd can be such a nice child being treated the way she is whilst I treat mine better and she is so rude at times. Anyone explains? girls are both 5.

You can only see only a small percentage of her parenting do it must be hard to judge.

I have been told that children that feel secure in their parents love feel more able to act up, children who are worried and insecure will do more people pleasing behaviour.

Not sure how true it is, but based on anecdotes from people I know it seems to be!

I wish my child would copy my behaviour. Shes going through a rude & unappreciative stage which is nothing like me.

Shes 8 thinking shes 18.

My parents were both virtually teetotallers who rarely swore...

I certainly didnt copy them

I think they copy some parts and ignore others. My oldest dd is alot like me sometimes but other time i just look at her and think WTF?

As i get older i realise that i have turned out alot like my mum in some ways but im sure there were times that she looked at me thinking WTF?

so the cycle continues!

Plague Are they anecdotes from parents with children who are going through a difficult stage

I think a great deal of it is just their personalities. I have a DS of 11 who is the most easy going well behaved child, I am very calm. My DD now an adult is the most stroppy shouty person you ever met. Her DS is a smiley easy going child.

I'm with the "people pleaser" theory tbh. From personal experience I think this is right, my child is so much more sure of herself and willing to stand up for herself.
I'm glad about that. I used to flinch if my mothers hands moved too much. Pretty much scared into compliance for most of my childhood. I soon learnt to take the path of least resistance.

I had a really really flakey single Mum pal who had the most sensible, grown up and charming child you could ever meet. He was very close to her and almost seemed to take the parent role.

TBH ive only grown up in the last year or so and my DD is still so sensible from having to be, think remembering keys, remembering to shut the door, would tell me off for littering (I do not do that anymore ).

I actually feel really bad that because I was still living my teenage years she had to grow up and people please so much. Now she is abit stroppier and bad behaved and I take that as shes more secure in our relationship

Oh soz posted to soon, so no she definatly did not copy behaviour from me. I was very very slack.

I was adopted, so it certainly wasnt a genetic thing, but I always had the same personality as my Dad, and was nothing like my Mum. Everyone would comment on it too, as they were both very different characters.

My mum was fiery, outspoken, quite snobby, and very judgemental. My dad was easy going, never judged, and was oblivious/ignored social status.

I think in my case it was weirder than that.
It seems to skip generations with women in my family - we're all fairly close, but it alternates between the go-getters (my mum, my cousin and DD) and the vague ones (my gran, my aunt and me). How much I copied my gran (and DD copies her extended family) and how much is an unconscious desire for a yin/yang type balance, I'm not quite sure.

I think the role parents play as role models is overstated, especially as children grown older. I am very different from my parents; all my siblings are (and different from each other) and I see the same pattern in my children. I think the whole theory about role models just puts more pressure on parents to not only teach their children how to be but also to present themselves that way too, when it's not really necessary but forms a way of controlling them via guilt.

"I have been told that children that feel secure in their parents love feel more able to act up, children who are worried and insecure will do more people pleasing behaviour."

Erm, thats quite rude thing for people to say. My dd is very well behaved, she is one of lifes easiest children (minus the odd temper here and there that makes her human).

She is certainly very well loved and cherished in our family. Im shocked people would think well behaved children are like that through fear. A horrible and groundless theory.

Schoolworries it is certainly true in some cases. As a child I was shy, quiet, perfectly behaved and always did well at school. My mother spent most of my childhood telling me how much she hated me and blaming me for everything that was wrong in her life. I didn't dare do anything that might set off a torrent of abuse. I was always trying to please her as i desperately wanted to hear her say some kind words to me.

Quite wildly assumptive.

I have three very different children, all parented the same.

One is very volatile with a short fuse (no idea where he gets that from), one is so laid back he's horizontal (just like DH) and the other is one of lifes "victims" (no idea where he gets that from). It would be conceivable that two were swapped at birth if all three weren't identikit versions of me.

It's the old "nature vs nurture" chestnut isn't it?

I think parent behaviour plays a part byt thdn children's unique personality will impact on how the child reacts to yhat behaviour.

My grandmother used to belittle my mother in everything, hit her for very little and mostly did not makd her feel loved. My mum made a conscious decision to be totally different and try and build our self esteem by telling us how much she livdd us, and how proud she was of us all the time. But another person may have had just absorbed that way of parenting and replicated it, after all it is a well known fact that many child abusers were abused themselves.

In general though I think it is true that children tend to model the behaviour they see most, not necessarily their parents. I can think of someone I know whose child is has learnt most of their behaviour from the people who care for them daily (relatives) rather than their parents.