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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask my DH to visit his father without me for the foreseeable

13 replies

polkadotsrock · 07/08/2012 14:19

long story short - my FIL has never liked me and in all honesty has done nothing to hide that fact. However my DH refuses to upset his dad by mentioning his behaviour, as he is still in the habit of protecting him from when his mother had an affair and left. Anyway it all bubbled over on Saturday night when we'd all had too much to drink in our house and his father and I had a tremendous argument, culminating in my telling him to get out of my house as soon as he woke on Sunday and not to come back. DH and I had a huge fight coz once again his dad gets away with saying whatever he likes. At this point I should admit that I was hideous to both DH and his dad on Sat as it all just came out irrationally. DH and I have now talked and he has agreed that me and our son need to come first and we will be more of a 'team' when it is needed, but he wants us to carry on visiting his dad and stepmum 'as a family'. I do not want to be in that environment, at least until DS is old enough to cotton on that I'm never there when he visits his grandad and then perhaps I will need to grin and bear it. AIBU? DH and I just cannot reach a compromise for some reason and I want to know if I should just do as he asks.

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 07/08/2012 14:22

YANBU, ask him if he would go and visit your family of he was constantly put down.

I wouldn't go when your DS is older either, as that is not good for him to see.

shorttermnamechange · 07/08/2012 14:28

I am a great believer in not doing things that you really don't want to do, especially if you are justified in not wanting to do them, so yanbu from my pov.

squoosh · 07/08/2012 14:29

Yanbu, it's not as though you are trying to stop your dh or ds from seeing him. Life is too short to waste on people who add nothing to our lives.

Paiviaso · 07/08/2012 14:30

YANBU to not want to be around a man who is rude to you and doesn't like you.

I think whether you continue to see FIL should be based on whether he starts treating you with respect. If FIL cannot do this, then you should no longer be expected to visit him.

However, if your husband starts calling FIL on his behaviour, FIL apologizes, and FIL behaviour towards you improves, then it sounds like you might be able to visit as a family.

Your DH would really have to step up to the plate though, and he should support your decision to no longer visit if FIL can't be civil. It sounds like DH has been doing a pretty poor job at managing relations thus far...

JennerOSity · 07/08/2012 14:30

What does 'being more of a team when needed' mean? Does that mean he will address the FIL's behaviour when it occurs from now on?

JennerOSity · 07/08/2012 14:31

Lemon shorter squoosh and paiviaso sum it up for me. Grin

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 07/08/2012 14:31

Don't go. If you feel that uncomfortable, it's just not worth it.

snowmummy · 07/08/2012 14:36

I'm not sure I'd let my son go either. If your DH can't stand up to his Dad for you then who's to say he'll stand up for your DS should his Dad start on him too?

MadameCupcake · 07/08/2012 14:37

YANBU, I do not visit FIL with DH as I just can't tolerate him that much. He's never actually done anything to me but I just find him frustrating.

Your DH should be much more supportive of you and should say something to his dad. Its not like he's all alone since his wife left, he clearly has a partner so I think your DH is just using excuses not to say anything. If you don't go as least it will give your DH opportunity to say why!

polkadotsrock · 07/08/2012 15:18

thanks everyone, I did think it was the right thing to do but thought best to check.
Jenner yeah that's the idea. Won't hold my breath though.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2012 15:51

If your father in law doesn't like you, the only reason he will want you to be there is so that you are doing something you don't want to do.

Encourage your husband to visit him but do not go yourself. Oh and watch out for Christmas.

GoranisGod · 07/08/2012 15:51

YANBU-I am currently in mil bad books because I have had the gall to say we wont be going for dinner EVERY sunday like we have for the past 16 years!!Angry

I am now going to tell dh he can do what he likes but I shall be spending sundays how I wish

Its very liberating actually.....

shorttermnamechange · 07/08/2012 15:57

GoranisGod - you won't be sorry that you made the break. I finally put a stop to spending every Sunday with MIL. Happy days!

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