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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't help thinking that if someone asks you to give them space repeatedly..

24 replies

Empusa · 07/08/2012 11:41

.. and you ignore their requests, that you then lose the right to be upset when they (understandably) lose their temper with you.

Had a nightmare of a day yesterday.

Bit of background - DH has only fairly recently passed his driving test, he is a good driver but obviously a more experienced driver will find some things easier.

Anyway, we went to see MIL yesterday and while seeing her we were going to go see DH's aunt who was in the country for a short time and hadn't met DS yet.

So DH drove us to see his aunt, MIL was meant to be giving him directions to where his aunt was staying, but (quite helpfully) MIL pointed out the road we needed to go down - as we drove past it. Hmm

So we had to go an alternative route. The problem with the alternative route was that approaching the road from the other end meant that we were driving against a busy bus route. And the road was parked up on both sides with very few places to pull over.

Of course, sods law says that a bus was coming the other way and DH had to find somewhere to pull over. The only space was barely big enough for our car, and while DH can parallel park, he's never tackled a space that small. So he was struggling.

All the while the bus was creeping closer and closer to our car. And MIL was sat on the back seat making a fuss, saying helpful things like "this is why I don't drive up the road this way", or "you shouldn't have come down the road this way". Ignoring the fact she was the reason we went that way.

Eventually DH realised he just wasn't going to be able to park the car, so asked me to take over. As I ran round to the driver's side, the bus driver let a passenger off who decided to start having a go at DH. Despite both DH and I telling him to go away and pointing out that I was going to move the car, he insisted on following DH around the car. Meanwhile MIL is yelling at DH to "just leave it", as if she thought he was going to hit this bloke! (Not a chance)

So, I get the car parked, the bus goes past and DH and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Except MIL wouldn't drop it. She just kept going on and on at DH, who asked her to stop and give him some space. We'd got out of the car at this point and were walking towards where the aunt was staying. But MIL wouldn't leave DH alone, despite him repeatedly asking her to leave it.

Eventually DH said he'd had enough and we were going home, so went and got in the car. I told MIL that if she went ahead to the aunt and gave DH a chance to calm down then we'd be along in a few minutes. But that wasn't good enough for her. She started pleading with DH to come right away. Despite him asking her to just give him space, she instead kept going on and even tried to open the car door to get him out. Eventually he lost his temper and told her to "fuck off". She still didn't. She just turned to me and asked me to come in and leave DH in the car. I pointed out I wasn't leaving DH while he was upset. So she went back to pestering DH. She went on and on for about 10 minutes, switching between pleading, trying to guilt trip him and getting angry with him, until DH screamed at her to go away. Only then would she go away.

By the time she left DH burst into tears with frustration. The last thing he wanted was to yell at his mum, but she just wouldn't give him any space.

We did eventually go and see his aunt, but unsurprisingly we told MIL that we weren't giving her a lift home (she could get home easily anyway).

So anyway, after all that, WHBU?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 07/08/2012 11:45

Neither you nor your DH were being unreasonable.

solidgoldbrass · 07/08/2012 11:46

No, I don't think he was. I also think that people who won't leave you alone when you've asked them calmly more than once forfeit the right to polite treatment, whether that's a stranger trying to pull you, a tiresome family member or someone trying to sell you something.

However, this is his mum - is she always like this? I expect she is, in which case it's probably a good idea to work a bit on strategies for coping with the old cow because she's unlikely to change.

QuietNinjaObsessing · 07/08/2012 11:48

No he wasn't. As a nervous driver myself if dh was going on and on at me while I was trying to manouvere under pressure I would tell him to fuck off too. What sort idiot does that to a driver?
The passenger from the bus was a dick too. You and your dh are definitely nbu

QuietNinjaObsessing · 07/08/2012 11:49

And good for you for supporting your dh.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/08/2012 11:50

She sounds just like my sister who thinks it's ok to poke and poke at people but immediately becomes victim when they end up snapping.

Empusa · 07/08/2012 11:56

sgb She can be a pain, but not normally in this fashion. Problem is she likes to paint DH as this angry/violent man, which he isn't. We think she just looks at him and sees his dad, who was violent and angry. And we just know that she'll have run to his aunt and talked about how he was aggressive with her for no reason Hmm

She's a lunatic.

And she's just made it worse for herself, as we now wont be in any rush to take DS to her house any time soon. And he's her only grandchild.

OP posts:
limitedperiodonly · 07/08/2012 11:58

Your poor DH. Of course he wasn't BU. He sounds like a saint for keeping calm for so long.

My mum does this. She just can't stop interfering and can't admit doing anything wrong even when it's not that big a deal. She never knows when to let things drop either.

She then either cries or huffs that she's only trying to help and that the poor sod she was 'helping' has a nasty temper for eventually exploding at her.

It usually results in me the victim apologising to her for upsetting her.

Hmm
EllenParsons · 07/08/2012 12:58

The mum sounds extremely frustrating. I can't blame your DH for his reaction tbh and I think YANBU.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/08/2012 13:30

That reminds me so much of my gran! It would drive me nuts - and very stressful for your DH when he's recently passed.

Good for him and you for not having a bigger go at her ... she sounds incredibly annoying but it is sad what you say about her husband being violent and angry. Sometimes people who've been with a nasty person for a long time lose track of what's decent behaviour? That sort of obsessive insistence on raking over what went wrong sounds awful for her as well as you.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 07/08/2012 13:30

(I feel mean now - I loved my gran, she wasn't the same at all, but you reminded me so strongly of how she would fuss on and on!)

GhostShip · 07/08/2012 13:33

I'd have told her to fuck off and leave him alone. Some people have no idea.

RightBuggerforit · 07/08/2012 13:35

Yanbu, it pissed me off just reading that, what an annoying woman!

BlueBirdsNest · 07/08/2012 13:35

new drivers can feel a bit overwhelmed

lurkedtoolong · 07/08/2012 13:40

Sounds just like my MIL and you both sound like saints for not telling her to fuck off to the far side of fuck much sooner. She has no right to complain and I would be waiting til I was much calmer before I went to see her again.

OwlLady · 07/08/2012 13:43

god i can't stand peoples impatience when you are trying to park the car. I parked mine last week (and I am very fast by all means but passed my tests eons ago) and some wanker overtook me just as my front end was swinging out....

and guess who this wanker was?

a driving instructor

danteV · 07/08/2012 13:47

I agree. If you asked to leave it and don't, you don't have the right to get upset when it kicks off. I hate people who do this, then play the victim. My mum always does it.
if we argued when I lived at home and I asked to leave until we had calmed down, she would follow me round the house. When dad came in she would telling him how awful I was.
I had a talk with dad once and put my pov over and he told me to tell her I needed space and walk away to calm down. I pointed that I did this several times and he saw it in a new light. Esepcially since she admitted it. I think its a control/ playing the martyer type thing.

chipmunksex · 07/08/2012 13:47

YANBU but it might have helped to diffuse the situation if you had gone in with your mil and left your dh to calm down.

limitedperiodonly · 07/08/2012 13:59

she would follow me round the house

dantev Recently I popped out to Sainsbury's to avoid committing elder abuse on my mum who'd been winding me up all morning.

She tracked me down and cried in the shop. Everyone glared at me for being so horrible as to make a sweet little old lady cry.

I ended up hugging her and drying her tears.

She is a sweet little old lady but a tad manipulative.

lurkedtoolong · 07/08/2012 14:05

Chipmunk - if OP's MIL is anything like mine going off with her would have caused more problems. It wouldn't stop her nagging H but would give ammunition - "Look, lurked is coming, why won't you?" and lead to comments like "Well, lurked agrees with me that H is being unreasonable".

diddl · 07/08/2012 14:13

I think that you were both being unreasonable-you should have handed the keys to MIL to park the car!Grin

(was there really no way of getting back to the turning that was missed?)

Empusa · 07/08/2012 15:20

diddl Oh god no!! She has 0 spatial awareness, I've lost count of how many times she's knocked off her (or someone elses) wing mirror! And our car is much bigger than hers! It'd never survive being driven by her! Shock

lurked You've got it spot on. She'd think it justified her behaviour. Plus she'd just move onto winding me up as well.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 07/08/2012 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Empusa · 07/08/2012 21:02

It's probably no coincidence that the only crash I've ever had was when she was in the back of the car freaking out about my positioning on the road (which was fine until she started freaking out).

OP posts:
RawShark · 07/08/2012 21:06

YOsoNBU

apolocalypsecheesetoastie your sister sounds like mine - she likes to throw in a bit of martyrdom for good measure. She'd get really upset if I said what I thought rather than just snapping ......

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