Mumsnet the Musical.

[TiggyD]

I'm just wondering what form it should take. I'm thinking of a series of typical 'scenes' from the site, each with a song.

1. Intro to Mumsnet.
2. Newbie thinking of calling her child Egg-whisk.
3. Parent parking bays.

... etc ... 97. The Daily Mail. 98. Sexual Technics. 99. Finale.

I'm just working on the first song:

"If you've managed to procreate
Come to the site I really rate.
There are some men but mostly women
with advice from cats to tips on swimmin'.
There's recipes and problem pages
Talk about children of all ages.
Advice on how to become a mother
Reasons why you won't want another.

You want to log on now I bet,
To the wondrous fabulous site MUMSNET!"

The Daily Mail Song:

"What do you do if you've got no friends?
MAIL! Read the MAIL!
In the last few years before your life ends?
MAIL! Read the MAIL!
You dedicate your life to stopping fun?
MAIL! Read the MAIL!
People mix your face up with a cat's bum?
MAIL! Read the MAIL!"

Anyway, a work in progress.

Realises I should have put this in chat. [Facepalm.]

you need a line about tumbleweed

You need a teacher bashing scene, where teachers actually get bashed, and some kind of battle between state and independent schools. That could be done in Brechtian style, with banners and frequent halts in the action to ensure the audience gets the full verfremdungseffekt.

I assume Johnny Boden will be designing the costumes, and interval refreshments will be catered by Waitrose and Greggs.

I am the forgotten thread that nobody reads.
Cobwebby and dusty, full of tumbleweeds.
People come and look and then they go.
Why didn't they post? Why do they hate me so?
One day they will come and the chatting will start,
Until then I'll stay empty, like a lift full of fart.

A darkened stage, a single spotlight shining on a solitary woman who looks a bit like Elaine Page...

People say... I deserve better
People say... I deserve more
He never cooks, he never cleans, he doesn't know where the bins even are!
People say... I should show him the door

People say... he's taking me for granted
People say... he's laughing in my face!

People say... I should leave the bastard!

But I can't

Spotlight fades.

I'd go and see it!

GreenEyes that is FAB, spesh Elaine Paige touch; well done gal

You should have an Am I Being Unreasonable? group song, a bit like the Sharks and the Jets in West Side Story.

I don't want any snivelling brats
At my wedding, my wedding
Am I being unreasonable, please
For my wedding, my wedding?

You're a vile selfish cowbag bridezilla
Whose wedding, whose wedding
Will be just the start of a horrible life
Where you'll have a vile DH and be a vile wife
And whose DC will cause you all pain and all strife

So your wedding, your wedding
Should have breastfeeding spaces and au pairs on tap
And the toddlers who crap
On your dress get a hug
And go play on the rug
At your wedding, your wedding, YOUR WEDDING!

And the Friday night bumsex scene... Backdrop: The Oxo Tower

• to the tune of "Memory" from Cats.

Bumsex,
Not a sound from the lurkers,
Til a lone "lots of lube love"
Comes floating to me.
After much swigging, of wine, and gin, and laaaammmmbrini,
Then the bumsex, can begin...

The troll catcher can arrive with a black cage sniffing out trolls.

Corny your name is so ridiculous now I can barely read it

any better?

the inevitable song about pom bears and nice ham will have to be in there too, maybe with a song about a classic, such as the poo pouffe...

Got to include one entitled "benefit bashing and goats"

(To the tune of "One" from A Chorus Line)

One...catshit in the garden
From that fucking cat next door
One...dogshit on the pavement
Even though it breaks the law

Why can't my ignorant neighbour pick up...that...poo?
I'll have to log on to Mumsnet asking What Would You Do?

Yes corny, that's much better

You need a benefit bashing song

My neighbours is on benefits
They've got a big TV
I have grafted all my life
But they got theirs for free-eee-eeee-eeeee

Chorus:

On Benefits
You get a car and a goat
On Benefits
You get a house with a moat

Needs more verses

Think there should be a scene where T Rex arms husband enters stage left and everyone runs away screaming!

Perhaps set in Waitrose?

At the end of each scene, Aitch will sing a solo, reprising the funniest bits of the scene. And MNHQ will form a sort do Greek chorus, up on high, chanting the Talk Guidelines, and swooping down on wires on anyone who breaks them.

To the tune of Jolene by Dolly Parton.

Sha-ron, Sha-ron, Sha-ron, Sha-ro-o-on
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
You whore, you whore, you whore, you who-o-ore
You'll be sorry when my MIL is at your door.

Your beauty, it just isn't there
it isn't good when people stare
At your pom-bear skin
And eyes of fruit shoot green

I don't know what he sees in you
The threads about you contain poo
But I cannot compete with you, Sha-ron.

He talks about you on Jezza-K
We filmed a new show just today
I was crying, when he said your name Sha-ron.

Oh...T-Rex Arms husband has to make an entrance. I loved that thread!

And we need to include the Dead Wasp Aria.