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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel bitter about this?

23 replies

gallifrey · 06/08/2012 20:54

My mother moved abroad when I was 6 months pregnant. Her exact words were "there's nothing keeping me in this country now my Dad has died" mmm not even your own children or grandchildren then?
My sister has a 14 yr old daughter who was 5 when her nanny moved to a different country, she was heartbroken. My 9 yr old daughter gets to see her about twice a year when she comes and takes over our wholee house for 2 - 3 weeks at a time, then she is heartbroken every time she goes home. When she was little she thought her nanny lived at the airport :(

I have a lovely 15 month old daughter as well now and my mum has seen her twice. She didn't get her anything much for christmas and nothing for her birthday. It was my elder daughters birthday yesterday and she got a really rubbish present from her.

I feel really fed up and hard done by, every one else I know has their Mums around, and their children have proper grandmothers who spoil them and look after them from time to time and I can't help but feel sorry for my girls who don't have that.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 06/08/2012 20:55

Does she show physical affection for them?

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 06/08/2012 20:57

My mum lives 35 miles away. I asked her to come and help with my DC in the February holiday, she said she couldn't as she looks after my DSis's dog while she works. I asked then if the DCs could come and stay with her for four days, she laughed. Hope that makes you feel better!!

WelshMaenad · 06/08/2012 20:58

No, YANBU, but YWBU to say sobto her, if you get my meaning. I totally understand why you feel sad. My inlaws see my dc infrequently and it makes me bitter too, even though we are v lucky to gave my parents who are wonderful.

Is there anyone who can 'adopt' them? My ex boyfriend's parents are gc-less and have adopted my two as honorary gc's, they love spending time with 'Aunty j and uncle s'.

Original poster

gallifrey · 06/08/2012 21:07

Oh she is all lovey dovey when she gets here, I talk to her on facebook (she doesn't have a landline!) and she is full of how much she misses us and loves us etc. Why doesn't she move back then?

My best friend's Mum is like my 2nd mum, and loves both my girls but she lives 50 miles away.
Their other grandparents live 50 miles away too but we see them a couple of times a month, in fairness we moved away from them and when we lived near them they looked after DD1 a lot, and are always happy to help out and come down, they have looked after the baby a few times but are not really near enough to see us a lot.

OP posts:

honeytea · 06/08/2012 21:34

YABU I know it is hard to live far away from family, I live in a different country to all my family but we have holidays together and I feel like that time is more special than every sunday or whatever a more local family have together.

Do you not visit your mum? I'm sure your kids would love to see her in her home and maybe your mum resents that you never visit her?

theotherboleyngirl · 06/08/2012 21:41

I understand you feel bitter - and it's good to acknowledge it so it doesn't consume you. But you seriously need to count your blessings. If you don't it's going to eat you up. Never compare your circumstances to others - that way bitterness does lie.

geegee888 · 06/08/2012 21:49

Maybe your mother wants this stage of life for herself, having raised her own children? Its not ideal, but not everyone wants the same things. By your logic, no women who had ever had children would ever be permitted to move away from their adult children and would suffer extremely restricted lives.

Twice a year if she lives abroad is hardly that bad.

thetrackisback · 06/08/2012 21:50

My mum has died and dh mum has a personality disorder so count yourblessi gs for the relationship she has. I know the feeling of jealousy at other peoples lovely relationships but sometimes you have see the positives. She gets two wonderful weeks with a grandparent who loves her? Is it really that bad?

LesleyPumpshaft · 06/08/2012 21:57

I understand where you are coming from OP. My parents moved abroad and we don't see them as much as I would like, but they can live where they like and so can your mum. Sometimes I feel a twinge of envy for other people who live close to their family. Skype is a wonderful thing though.

Also, have you seen how many AIBU threads there are about people being annoyed with their mums? The grass isn't always greener....

jojane · 06/08/2012 22:00

My dad lives in Germany and has never met my youngest (20months and last saw ds1 and dd when they were 3 and 18months (so about 2.5 years ago). He also got married without telling me or my sister until afterwards
My mum lives about 2 hours drive away and straight up the motorway so not a bad drive yet my mum hasn't been here for over 3 years even though she is retired early (after getting an inheritance) and says the travelling and drive up is too much (even though the year she said this she DROVE to Ireland, went to Florida and hired a car there and drove around and drove to butlins)
Makes me sad sometimes but there's a lot of history and bad feeling over the years so try not to let it get to me,
DHs mum lives 2 hours away and doesn't drive but comes up in school holidays when she can on the train, phones lots etc plus we go and stay with her (aren't welcome at my mums as she finds it too stressful, )
DHs dad lives about 15 min away so sees the kids all the time, when dh was on shifts he would babysit when we were both working etc, is very close to the kids, which is funny as he was an alcoholic when dh was little which is why his parents split up so I think he sees his grand kids as his second chance sort of thing (but not in an overbearing taking over sort of way) his partner of over 2 years also loves the kids (none of her 3 sons have yet produced the grand kids she is desperate for ) so she has adopted ours which is fine by me as they love her too

MrsHelsBels74 · 06/08/2012 22:02

My mum moved to France when I got married so only sees her grandson 3/4 times a year. It's her choice though & I appreciate she has got a whole other life in France that doesn't concern us, I certainly don't expect her to move back here for my benefit.

That doesn't stop me getting annoyed when she drops hints about how I should move to France as it's a much better country to raise children in.

OAM2009 · 06/08/2012 22:08

OP, I feel your pain too. I agree with theotherboleyngirl - bitterness will eat you up if you let it. Try to focus on the positive blessings in your life. Try to be thankful for what you have - we would all love to have the perfect grandparents but life is what it is. You have to play the cards you're dealt.

My family is a train wreck - My mum died 20 years ago, never saw me pass my A-levels, pass my driving test, get in to and graduate Uni, get married and have children My dad married again and again and is now abroad. He has met DS1 once and DS2 never.

My in-laws live 2.5 hrs away. They were bonkers but great...until MIL had a massive stroke. Now FIL rules the roost and is very difficult to deal with. MIL struggles with speech and mobility but does love seeing the kids so much that she sobs every time we part

I would love to have helpful, normal grandparents within easy reach. But that is not our life so we just have to get on with it and have the best fun we can in every given day

Original poster

gallifrey · 06/08/2012 22:26

Thank you, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. It's quite nice to get it off my chest actually, I've never actually told anyone how I feel before.

OP posts:

emess · 06/08/2012 22:26

Few of us have an ideal relationship with gp. My mum died when DD was 9 mths old. DF was 80 at that point and lived 80 miles away. DF died when DD was 5 and DS not yet 2. PIL on the other hand live 200 yards away. They have always doted on DD & DS, but in their own way: they showered DC with money, had plenty of time and were both physically fit, but they just hadn't a clue what to do with them all day! I used to fantasise about being able to send DC away to somebody for a week's holiday (even a weekend would have been nice), but the occasional day out on a train or in the car was all that PIL ever managed. And that's just the way it is.

midori1999 · 06/08/2012 22:32

YANBU. My DD is nearly 14 months old and my MIL (who lives abroad) has seen her once. She was even going to come for her first birthday, but although she was in the UK at the time, decided to visit other family instead as she is now coming here later in the year for a work thing of DH's, basically so she can bask in the glory of how well her son has done at work. He's done well in spite of her, not because of her.

MIL made a huge deal out of it when we lost our twin DD's, which I really appreciated at the time, but as time goes on I realise it was just another way for her to get attention.

Your Mum might change OP. My own Mother moved abroad some years ago and never really bothered with myself, my siblings or her Grandchildren before then. She now massively regrets now spending more time with us/her grandchildren and is making a good effort to be a Mother.

Original poster

gallifrey · 06/08/2012 22:52

I just wish I had a proper relationship with her :(

OP posts:

OAM2009 · 08/08/2012 16:10

to midori, so sorry for your terrible loss

amck5700 · 08/08/2012 17:10

I sometimes feel the same, my boys only have my mum as all their other grandparents died before or shortly after they were born. My mum is lovely but she does not live near, is nearly 80 and not very mobile. She does however treat them when she can and I know she is more generous with them than she is with her other grandchildren as she often reminds me that all the others have other grandparents and some of them have great grandparents too. I feel sorry for my kids too especially when you see other kids with their grandads etc. I however grew up in the same boat and ultimately I guess you just deal with what you have. There are times though when they must feel they miss out as they don't get to go stay with granny or go on days out with her as she is not able - they don't love her any less and I am sure she loves them too, but it just doesn't seem enough.

No 1 son's friend has just come back from staying for the week with one set of his grandparents who took him out doing lots of fun things and they also gave him a Macbook for his birthday!! My boy has been wanting one for a long time but it is isn't in reach of us or his granny - he amazingly just accepts this but I feel a bit horrible for feeling jealous on his behalf :(

diddl · 08/08/2012 17:17

Do you ever visit her?

If she was still in the same country as you & you had the chance to move abroad-would you stay for her?

We are abroad & ILs have never visited.
(10+yrs)

GoldenHandshake · 08/08/2012 17:20

YANBU, soem parents, unfortunately, are just shit. My own Mother's parenting was slack at best, and DH's parents are actual fuckwits. So I get where you are coming from.

DuckingHell · 08/08/2012 17:21

My dad lives abroad and has done since DD was 5 and DS was a few months old (they are now 5 and 10)

We see him once a year but he facetimes us 3 times a week, we are very close.

My mum however lives 50 miles away and we only hear from her on birthdays and Xmas.

MIL and FIL like down the road and we see them most days, they think the world of the DC.

I wish me and the DC had a better relationship with her but I've never been close to her and she's a very cold person, she hates that we are close to my Dad and my step mum but she is a very very bitter lady.

I have tried and tried to improve our relationship but I really don't want her in my life, she is bitter, rude and will bring me down at every opportunity.

It has taken a long time but I am finally at peace with how she is.

cantspel · 08/08/2012 17:27

You are bitter because you mother has a life of her own?

Crap presnts aside your mum has the right to live her life how and where ever she pleases.

IslaValargeone · 08/08/2012 17:31

Three years ago, for three years, I used to live in a town 20 miles from my mum. She used to come to town to visit a friend or have lunch very regularly. Not once during that time did she ever visit my dc.
Every now and again, I feel a bit of sadness when I look at the kind of relationships some people have with their mums, and wish that I had that. I don't however even try and forge something similar with mine now, as those kinds of things just can't be forced. My dc just accepts it though and doesn't appear bothered.

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