Argument with DH regarding MIL...

[PeppermintLatte]

DH went balistic at me earlier today regarding MIL seeing our DD. i will apologise in advance if i post some boring facts but i don't want to drip feed (hate it when posters do that)

MIL is a lovely lady, no problems of not getting on etc.. we live in a village and she lives about a 20 minute drive from us. she is retired, doesn't have many hobbies or interests, she isn't alone, she lives with FIL and BIL and his wife (they have no kids and are moving out in october) she sees her sisters and brothers regularly, but doesn't really have friends. i want to let you know as well incase you feel it's relevant that she is unwell, she has problems with her heart and although it's under control at the moment, DH obviously worries that she will probably not get to a ripe old age.

she see's DD about once a week, sometimes more if we go for dinner at her house or she comes to ours. without fail everytime she wants to see DD she will ring me on the day and make me feel awkward if i say we have plans. she NEVER rings a day or two in advance, DH tells me not to ask her too ring in advance as she is set in her ways and won't listen, 70% of the time i juggle things around and let her take her for the day. she done this on friday, DD and i had plans but i let her take her as i don't really like saying no to her, i feel a bit mean.

anyway, DH rang her before, asked how she was etc... she said she was going to ring us in the moring as she wants to take DD out again for the day as she'll be stuck in bored otherwise (MIL, not DD) i have plans with DD again, we are going shopping and meeting my dad (he works away and is back for a week after being away working for a month) so i said no. once he'd got off the phone to her started moaning at me, saying she lights his mother's life up and i'd only said no because i was jealous that my own mum can't see much of our DD (my mother works every hour god sends, she is on a very low income, lives alone and can barely afford to pay her bills) this is partly true, it does piss me off that my mum can't see my DD more, it pisses my mum off too, but such as life.

i took offense and said i was sick of changing my plans, his mum should ring in advance. DH said he thought it was unfair that i got to make the decision that his mother couldn't take DD tomorrow, that his mum has rights etc... i said she's had her turn of being mum and that i had the final say.

anyway, i won't bore you with anymore of it but i am really pissed off at him, but i'm thinking am i out of order? she isn't in the best of health after all. if the phone rings in the morning i dread it if i have plans, because 9 out of 10 times it's MIL wanting DD. i know i'm lucky that she wants her, but my DD is well out of terrible toddler years and is a joy to be with. i work 2, sometimes 3 days a week so don't want to hand her over whenever MIL clicks her fingers. AIBU?

Op listen... yanbu at all. Just because she is old and in not tehe best health it doesnt mean she can dictate your Life! And your dh needs to grew up a bit as he is acting like an arse. You need to tell her that she needs to ask in advance and please say no tomorrow - say you have plans and don't you dare feel bad about it!

Stand up for yourself!

thanks everyone, i really was second guessing myself.

DH rang her before and said they could have a quick lunch as i then had to visit my dad. to be fair to her she was fine about it and told her son he could re-arrange if need be.

i'm not saying she's some nightmare who demands to have DD, it's not that at all, it's more that she drops it on me last minute and knows i'll feel a bit awkward saying no. i think it's DH who has been the main problem tonight.

Why do the two of you have a jealousy thing going on about whose parents get to see your DD and what that time is "worth"?

You admitted you're upset that your mum can't see DD as much as his mum; he said he thinks your mum gets more "quality" time because she sees her overnight? WTAF? Are you really in competition over this?

YANBU about your MIL and her need to disrupt your plans, but you and your DH could certainly stand to take a second look at how you think about this stuff. She's a child and her own person, not some possession to divvy up between inlaws!

notmyproblem i know, i can't argue with you as it does seem ridiculous on paper. i can't help the way i feel though. i guess it's because i adored my maternal grandmother, the influence she has had on my life is unbelievable, she really loved me and vice versa, i had so much security from her. i guess i just want to re-create that between my mum and DD.

yanbu also i would play the my child my choice card when it came to time when i would reasonably expect to be making arangements with my child in regard to other people who are not that childs parent.like other parent at work so perfectly acceptable to make arangements

i wouldnt play that card when it came to time when both parents where in charge like when other parent not at work.

if its not ok for a mum to put her parents visits with a child over her inlaws then its also not ok for a dad to do so. gm who see's child weekly perhaps twice weekly when compared to gf who hasnt seen dc for a month its a no brainer.

but op, maybe your dh wants to recreate that between his mum and dd too!

Yanbu- If you have plans, mil cannot expect you to change them because she is "bored"!
Your dh needs to stand up to her

You know, I'm going to put a bit of a different spin on this for you to present to your DH:

1. What is all this telling your DD about herself? She thinks she's doing A then she has to do B with Grandma. It's telling her that her wishes and what she's looking forward to and expecting are not important. Yes, am sure she enjoys time with Granny, but it's not a good message to send her that she has no autonomy in how her time is spent or that she can't rely on plans being stuck to.

2. What message is it also giving her about YOU. Mummy has to keep acquiescing, Mummy has to keep giving things up, Mummy's plans and needs are bottom of the pile, etc. It is not teaching her good things about your status in the wider family and it is not teaching her good things about how to be a mummy herself when she is older.

I think the bigger problem is actually your DH. His primary loyalty should be towards YOU and his child. I'm sure it's hard to break from the pattern of everyone pandering to his mother to keep the peace, but tough shit, he's not a child anymore.

And I must day, how dare he tell you that you're the unfair and unreasonable one - have you asked him how he'd feel if he was expected to drop his plans at the last minute to make your Mum happy at least once a week? You know the answer would be no! Then ask him how come it's okay for him to ask it of you. How dare he decide for you whether someone else's behaviour is acceptable or not.

It's also not acceptable that your DD is the thing that relieves your MIL's boredom and emptiness. A person does not exist to fill the emotional voids in anyone else's life. It's deeply dysfunctional and a big burden on your DD, even if she doesn't yet feel or realise it (I bet she is feeling a bit like this, even if she can't put words to the feelong. And you constantly changing things to provide her to MIL for the purpose is just telling her that she is meant to exist to make MIL fulfilled and her feelongs are bad, etc.). In the long run, she could well grow to resent spending time with her Gran because of the burden of it all. You need to point this out to your Dh also. At the moment, his thinking isn't going much beyond 'Keeping Mum sweet gives me the easy life and it's not me who's having to put themself out, so why can't Peppermint put up and shut up?'. Some men seem to act like when their wife becomes a mother, she somehow magically turns into this selfless drudge whose life should revolve around pleasing and looking after others.

ssd yes, he probably does and that's fair enough. it's just the fact that he expected me to re-arrange yet again. he knows i hate the last minute-ness of it all.

Oxfordbags WOW! thank you, that was a great post, gave me some things to think about.

i feel like i may have misled you all a little though, MIL isn't demanding, she inconveniences me, yes, but she doesn't throw a strop if she can't have DD. she has, in the past, got a bit funny with me over it, but not for a long time.

i think the problem was DH, he made out like his mother could just drop dead at any point and that i should understand that and i should always let her have DD whenever it didn't inconvenience me too much. he very much thinks his poor mother is bored and that DD should be available to stop that

"i think the problem was DH, he made out like his mother could just drop dead at any point and that i should understand that and i should always let her have DD whenever it didn't inconvenience me too much"

Wow - he thinks she could drop dead at any point but wouldn't mind if she was looking after his DD at the time?

Or have I misunderstood that?

5foot5- i was being a little dramatic what i meant was he worries that her condition could become terminal, which i understand, but i do ensure she sees DD once a week anyway.

Get a housephone with 'caller display', then if you have plans you can ignore her call and just say you must have been down the garden/ in the shower etc...
Then call her and suggest a day suitable to you both.

How old is your DD?

Surely this will all have to alter when she starts nursery or school at age 4 anyway. MIL wont be able to just ring up and expect to see her.

Is there any reason why you can't just have a regular arrangement? Then everyone knows what is happening including your DD.

Although I am an old bag and MIL myself, I would fully understand if you would not want to leave your child in the sole care of somebody with a heart condition.

Excellent post from oxfordbags - your dh needs to put his child and you first and you need ro stop pandering to your Mil's wishes

And she IS being burdensome if she gets even a little funny - she needs ro start giving you notice and you need to tell her do that

Your opening post mentions your FIL. Where does he stand in all this? If your MIL is 'bored', perhaps he is, too. If so, they should get together and do something themselves.

thanks guys, loads of great advice.

RuleBrittania he goes with MIL & DD on the days out, he is semi retired and still does a little work to keep him busy and out the house.

DD is 3 and goes to nursery whilst i work, 2 days per week.