Not to go seeing my nan and grandad

[GhostShip]

Gunna try and give as much information as possible.

My dad died when I was 6 weeks old, I'm now getting slated because as a 20 year old I don't see his parents.

The problem is, it was all fine and dandy when I was a kid, I lived across the road from them and I used to go across and see them quite often, all the sisters brothers and cousins (all forty+) used to go around and we'd all see each other. Even then though, age 8 I realised that no-one really bothered with me if I didn't go round. I never got a visit, I'd have to go round to get cards for birthdays and if I missed a week it'd be 'hello stranger' etc etc.

We moved away when I was 9, I still carried on visiting when I was old enough to go but I always felt like I was forcing a relationship that wasn't there. I never had any contact from them if I didn't make the effort to.

I'm now 20 and haven't seen them for 3 years. I recently got a Facebook message from one of the cousins saying 'why don't you go see your nan and grancad'

I can see their point that life's too short and I should see them, but they've never been overly arsed about me. All the family knows where I live but in over 5 years I've never had a card, a vist. Anything. It's always me who has to make the contact. I've always felt a bit left out anyway because I'm different from them. They're of the view that all girls have to be pretty, find a many have a baby and never work. Ive never fit in with that.

So I'd like to ask, am i being unreasonable? I think maybe I should visit them but to be honest I don't feel a connection and don't want to force one. I always used to get upset how they didn't seem overly bothered about me despite me being their dead sons daughter. And now i feel i just dont care. I dunno what to do.

I dont know to be honest!! It could be one of two things:-

They find it painful to see/contact you because it just reminds them of their dead son

or

They just cant be bothered and arent interested.......some grandparents arent.

Are they too old and frail to make the journey to you, do they contact you at all?? Ever??? There is no point forcing the issue if there just is no relationship- is this cousin asking because they are bothered or are they just interfering.

Really hard without knowing what goes on in their heads

Do you think now that your older you can tell them how you feel and ask why they never bothered to make any effort with you, where they close to your dad? it may seem odd that they dodnt make an effort but maybe it still hurts them to remember the pain they felt when they lost him - not to take anything away from you though as youve also suffered.

i only say this as i have a similar experience with my own family again on my dads side, he and my mum divorced, and i kind of hardly saw my dads side of the family, when i was forced to go i hated it couldnt wait to be out the place they were all a bunch of strangers to me. then my dads partner died a few months ago and slowly im getting my dad back and getting to know his family and i truly regret the time i wasted not seeing them, its only now im older i feel more confident telling them how hurt i was that i was never really bothered with growing up, and maybe it may be the same for you. People change as they get older, they have different perspectives on things, even if they make a stupid remark and say hello stranger dont be afraid to say back well you all know where i live, when was the last time you visited me. it may be enough to shock them into thinking about how you feel too.

id say give it a ago, after all family is family and you cant replace the family your given, if its still hard and theres no connection then whats the worst thing, at least you know you tried.

They aren't old and frail. I see the every now and again n asda, nan works full time.

When I see them or family it's always 'there's a card at Nans for you for your birthday'. 2 months on its not been posted or anything.

From what I have heard, they're always complaining that I don't go round. But why wouldn't they then get in touch? They have all numbers, addresses. In fact I managed to get my grandsds mobile number at Christmas.

I do understand your point vix about it being family. I think maybe family is what you make it sometimes though

Thanks for your posts so far x

I have similar issues with my parents GhostShip, it's very painful to feel that you're not important to someone. It sounds like they want a relationship with you, but only on their terms.

I've decided that life is too short to waste it on people who make me feel bad. So I'm working towards reducing contact with my parents. I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel guilty about this situation. It's not fair to expect you to do all the work in the relationship.

Ghost - my DH's mum and dad were like that. They never came round, they only ever phoned us when someone had died......my MIL was a lovely caring parent but it seems once you left home it was up to you to do all the visiting.

It used to piss me off no end but when I had my DS I realised that if I wanted him to have a relationship with them it had to be us doing all the visiting. it didnt mean they loved us/him any less, its just the way they were.

My MIL was a very quiet unconfident woman who was terrified of appearing interfering so she went totally the other way. However, when we went to see her she was a lovely doting nanny to my DS and he adored her.

I personally think grandparents are very important and am very sad for my DS that he only has one living GP who lives abroad, I feel a bit cheated really.

yeah we were the same, if there was a card or present it was always round theres...one year I remember she told DH on the phone there was a present waiting for him and he said to her that he wasnt coming to get it and she would have to bring it to him. she did but we watched out the window as she drove up and down as she couldnt remember what house was ours...we had only lived there for ten years.

I'm sure they love you dearly, they are just stuck in their ways....maybe when you go round there just have a word and say how hurtful it is.

lotta that's exactly how I feel it is, like you said, relationship on their terms.

I just hate the fact my cousin has said this and made me feel bad. I don't know whether I should feel bad or not. Maybe the fact I do feel bad is telling me something

Grrrr. I hate not knowing my feelings.

'I hate not knowing my feelings'

Tell me about it! I would suggest that your cousin should stay out of it - it's for you to make your own mind up about how you conduct your relationships with other people. I have had this feeling before of other family members sticking their oars in and putting the thumbscrews on - it's emotional bullying and it's not fair.

You have a right to expect more from your grandparents - you have your own needs and expectations of them too, so think about that, not just what they are expecting you to do. One of the most powerful things my therapist said to me about my parents was 'you don't have to do what they expect you to' - simple but it felt very validating and freeing. It may be worth bearing in mind that your grandparents may not be able to give you the sort of relationship that you would like from them, but it doesn't mean that you have to do things all their way either.

Hi Ghost,

You do know your feelings, they were the same before the message and are still the same now. The difference is the added guilt feeling you have because someone who doesnt realise whats been going on, questioning you on it.

You dont have to feel guilty, from what you have written youve done your part and more, tell the cousin if you want how you feel, but in a polite manner, if that's not enough for them, them thats tough. No one has that much power over you that they can make you feel this confused or guilty, sadly we do this all on our own.

The next time its one of their's birthday buy a card dont send it, and say next time oh theres a card waiting at home for you, they will get the message if not dont bother about it. You have your life it doesnt look like on the surface they enhance yours in any way, so just look forward dont engage in fuck wittery and loaded questions and live your own life.

Maybe they keep the cards at your Nan's so that you'll go and get them?

When my GPs were alive, we ALWAYS visited them, I would have been so shocked if my Grandad had turned up to visit me- it just wasn't done. Maybe it's a generational thing that Nan and Grandad kind of run "base camp" and you go there by tradition.

I can sort of see why you're upset, but I bet they're baffled as to why you don't drop in anymore.

I'm just saying there was always a tradition in my family of going to Grandma's house. Everyone would gather there and drop in and bump into each other there. There were so many of us she never would have got round us all if she had gone visiting us herself!

YANBU and there is no need to feel bad. And your cousin certainly shouldn't have made you feel guilty. But do the think your GPs are simply a bit lazy about getting in touch. Or if they have a lot of children and grand-children, it may be too much of an effort to contact and visit them all. Whereas you only have 4 grandparents, and 2 of these come as a pair, so it is much easier for you to visit them.

Thanks everyone! Ive read thought your replies a few times and it has sort of made me feel better about how I've been so far.

YouOldSlag - no-one else gets me cards, just my nan and grandad. It never occurs to them to post them or drop them off. They'll wait months for me to go before they'd do that. Even one year when I was in intensive care there was never any phone calls or anything. You're right about the tradition thing where everyone goes round there's, but I just feel maybe a bit more effort on their part wouldn't have gone amiss, it's always my fault they haven't seen me and my fault that I haven't been in touch. I think I resent that a bit.

I think I've made my decision and realise that I've got all I need in my life and if they want to be in it they can get in touch. Lifes too short to be running around after people who don't really seem to care all that much.

Op the answer to your cousin is "they've never come to visit me"

You've been very honest Ghost ship, and I can see your point. It sounds like you'll be happier without them so go for it. I'm sorry you never got to know your poor Dad

Thankyou youoldslag me too

I was going to post well, they're just really lazy but keep going to see them.
BUT having read that they never bothered when you were in intensive care I now say Stuff it! There is absolutely no excuse for that level of neglect and if your cosin or anyone else asks why you dont go to see them, tell them to mind their own business. I am so shocked, and at my age I didn;t think i would come across much else to shock me.
You save your time, effort and love to give to those who give it back in full measure. There are millions all around who do just that. In the meantime, from me ((((( hug )))) x

'you save your time, effort and love to those who give it back in full measure'

That's exactly what I'm going to do, I couldn't have put it any better than you have.

Thankyou very much and (hugs) x

Anytime Ghostship and you are very welcome!