To think that this behaviour is not acceptable?

[missduff]

I have 2 step kids who are 5 and 7 and my own DS is 3, and I was just wondering if people could confirm whether this behaviour is acceptable or not? In my eyes it isn't but my DP keeps trying to tell me that it's normal for their age....

So in 1 day this week we had the following from my step kids...
Numerous tantrums from the 5 yo which involve him throwing himself on the floor, crying like a baby, hitting his dad
The 5 yo also kicked DP's car, my furniture and my garden fence (3 separate instances)
7 yo shouted 'fatty!' out of the car window at a chubby kid in the street
Bad language which is also in front of my 3 yo, I now have a son who says 'mummy im going to smash you!'
No manners, no pleases, no thank you's, no table manners.
Constantly kicking and smacking each other
Name calling eg 'fat slag'!
Damaging my ds's toys
Trying to steal my ds's toys
Telling takes, lying etc

I don't expect them to be angels, I expect kids of their age to test the boundaries and maybe be a bit cheeky, tell tales, ignore me when I ask them to do things, to have the odd tiff etc. my main concern is the violence and the bad language especially as my son is starting to copy it.
My other concern is that DP doesn't see it as an issue so how can we ever tackle it if he thinks it's ok?
I wouldn't accept that behaviour from my own DS so why should I accept it from them? It annoys me that DP will discipline my DS for something quite minor but just stand back and let his own 2 be naughty, it's like he just doesn't want to upset them.

I think it needs to come from all the adults in their lives

I think the OP's family need to accept that these children are now their family too and make them feel welcome.

Especially when the new baby comes along...or they'll feel even more pushed out than they do now.

makeitalarge they do get a lot of time just them and their dad, in fact I think this is actually part of the problem, it is too much of an us and them situation... It's often me n DS doing our own thing and DP and his kids doing their thing, I think we should be doing more together as a family.

My main concern is though, how can I make DP see that their behaviour isn't acceptable? He seems to just think its normal. Either that or he's in denial because he doesn't want to upset them by disciplining them. Or maybe he just thinks its ok because he doesn't have to live with it all week so choses to accept it.
If I didn't have kids i think i'd be more willing to turn a blind eye to it myself but it's now affecting my ds's behaviour so I feel like I can't just ignore it anymore.

And I do wonder how much difference we can make when their mother doesn't discipline them either. I'm friends with her brother and he's complained to me about her not disciplining them, he's their uncle and refuses to babysit them because of their behaviour so clearly this behaviour is not exclusive to our house.

thesmallclanger I think u r totally right and just the other day I was saying to DS that we need to be a united front, no more 'well my kids want to do this so I'll take them there, do you want to come?'. Especially once baby is here we need to be more 1 solid unit and the kids all need to see me n DP as one and know that they can't play us off against each other.

Sorry that should say 'I was saying to DP'

Yep we tried that a couple of months ago, we sat down with them and discussed what would and wouldn't be accepted in our house and told them what the consequences would be if they smacked/kicked/used bad language etc.
The trouble is DP isn't sticking to it, he'll often get a bit cross, tell them off but there's no time out given, no removing of privileges etc. so they're learning that they can behave badly and all that happens is dad just tells them not to do it but no actual consequences.

And now that I'm raising it as an issue again DP just keeps saying its normal and that he disciplines as he sees fit. He seems to forget that I know other kids of their age and their behaviour isn't normal. If I sent DS to my friend's house who has kids of the same age I know 100% he wouldn't come back saying 'mummy I'm going to smash you'. I'm so upset about that. I know they hear things when they go to school but I feel like I'm being a bad mothe myself by letting DS hear things like that in his own home. I can't control what happens when he's at school but I should be able to control what happens in my home

My DS is autistic and echolalic. Some of the children at his school have had VERY tough little lives and use bad language a lot. I was warned before moving DS to the school that He would hear bad language.

However, 'fat slag' is NOT a word I've ever heard come out of his mouth, luckily DS doesn't know what the words mean and he purely repeats them randomly. I've had 'shut up the fuck' and 'idiot' and 'shit' but not language like that! No way. And he's repeating this language from children who have really had an awful time of it, not just parents splitting up.

I think you have to have a word with your DP. First find out where the kids have heard the language, some you will hear in school etc but fat slag is quite bad. Then you both need to stick to the plan. Maybe DP would benefit from some parenting classes also?

dozyduck I think all parents could probably benefit from some parenting classes, the trouble is I know that in this area they are really hard to get on to, it's one of things that have been cut due to funding (daft I know).
But I can maybe make some enquiries and see if there are any we could do, not sure if anyone does classes u pay for?

the last 3 on your list is normal behaviour squabling wanting what the other had, the other things is just isnt in my book calling people names throwing themselves on the floor, I wouldnt accept it, does their dad let them away with stuff because he is away fromt heir mum, sounds like it

I really don't know why he accepts/ignores it because he is usually quite firm and fair with my DS, if my 3 yo through himself on the floor in a tantrum he'd be saying 'what on earth are you doing? You're 3 not a baby' but when his 5 yo does it he panders to him.
I agree with him that in some respects behaviour can get worse as they get older but I really would have thought tantrums is something they should grow out of. Things like table manners should improve, not get worse. We both tell my DS not to talk with his mouthful, but he doesn't with his own,

We're having a good chat tonight so hopefully we can get to the bottom of why he doesn't discipline them or correct their behaviour.

I hope you get it sorted maybe he finds it easier with your son because you are both together and maybe the children would go back and say oh daddy said this daddy wouldnt let us .... I am not sure but do get it sorted he cant treat the children different maybe you should start disciplining them too, and explaint hey are not babies anymore, must be hard for everybody,

Was their mum and dad's split very difficult for them? I know all parental splits are hard on children, but was theirs particularly traumatic (moving to another county away from friends/relatives, that sort of thing?)
I ask because I'm wondering whether your DP is taking this into account, or trying to. (Not that what he is doing is absolutely right).

When your dp disciplines your ds, point out to him the circumstances and what he did. Then when he fails to discipline his ds, remind him of how he was with your ds so he can see the contrast. If you point out what he did with ds then he's more likely to remember what he did when you point out the difference.

Thanks everyone. We actually went and saw a counsellor last night which helped immensely. Me n DP are fine but we keep hitting a brick wall with all matters involving our children, DP admitted that he is too soft on his 2 because he feels guilty about the split and knows our relationship and the new baby must be hard on them, I think it's just so afraid of upsetting them, which tbf is understandable.
But at least he has now acknowledged the issue and tonight we'll sit down and draw up an action plan of how to fix things.
Feel much better about things now :-)

missduff that sounds a way forward he will do them more damage pandering than not x