to think DS can invite who he wants to play in a shared garden?

[youarewinning]

BACKGROUND: New estate, open plan, we are HA and have a garden - paid for (and maintained ) by HA and not community. Its off the road, behind our flats and bordered by car parks. We have sheds and washing lines in there so obviously ours iyswim. You have to actually come off the street and take a longer route to past through it. There is 2 blocks and 4 flats in each.

Lot's of issues with noise/ damage etc and we have begged HA for it to be fenced off and finally after 4 years we have fencing - well its the metal fencing found around parks iyswim?

Yesterday we had visitors and they went out to play in the garden and asked if a friend of all there's who lives on the street could also come in and play. I said yes, but just him, and they could go out to park over the road if they wanted to play in group iyswim? They asked neighbours DD (7) if she wanted to play too but she isn't allowed out/ won't play with other children.

Neighbour came out and told DS he couldn't just invite a whole load of people to play as it isn't just his garden. It was 1!!!

AIBU to think that although it's a shared garden that doesn't mean that DS can't use it when he has friends over or invite a friend in to play?

BTW her DH works nights and so I already put so many limitations on them during weekedays to keep noise to a minimum - so I'm not a selfish cow I promise!

I cant work out whether you have a shared garden or not. If it is just yours then yanbu and can have as many kids as you like in it and tell them to MTOB. If shared then I suppose a bit of diplomacy is going to be needed.

YANBU. If there were lots of others queueing up to use the garden then of course you'd take turns with them. But I can't see any problem in letting your guests play there and inviting 1 neighbour!

Its a shared garden - as in shared for the 8 flats. TBH there's only 3 families and we are really the only 3 flats who use it.

I have said to DS garden is for when they want some time away from other children and all the ho ha and politics playing with them brings. Street/park for for mass playing out.

I just don't think it's fair for him to only be allowed in the garden to play alone - or to play out where there's 15-25 other children. That's a big ask for a 7yo with no middle ground for him.

Neighbour is being daft! Are they seriously suggesting that your child never plays outside in the garden with a friend?

That's silly. It's shared, of course your DS can use it with a friend, what else is he meant to do?

For the sake of peace I'd probably say you didn't know neighbour wanted to use it just then, of course your DS needs to take turns with the other 8 families if there's a crowd, etc. etc. ... but it's ridiculous to suggest he can't bring a mate in there.

Out of interest, what does your tenancy stuff say? Presumably it's a shared garden, not private and for use of residents only? That'd be different.

She is being ridiculous, of course he's allowed to have one friend to play. Also I'd be telling her that if she has a problem in future, to come and speak to you and not harrass a 7 yo child.

Go and talk to her - say your not happy about her talking to your DC and that she can't put limits on who he has round to play in his garden - well not such a restrictive one. I'd just check there was no particular reason for her actions or anything the DC were doing that upset her.

I'd also point out that you already are very considerate of her DH working nights and place limits on your DC accordingly - perhaps subtlety suggesting that such consideration is not automatic.

It's a communal garden for the use of residents LRD As in although there's a lot of open green space around here maintained by the community ours is a 'garden' maintained by HA and paid for by us - the residents. The difference as well is that our downstairs flats (I'm first floor) have patio doors out onto it whereas the other areas don't.

Neighbour didn't want to use the garden afaik. She was inside when they went out and her DD was asked to play but they were told no.

valium I have no idea tbh! She said to him 'not to invite the whole street round'. There were some children that came round but DS explained no more in the garden as mummy said and they didn't want to play out. They didn't even come in as the 'fence' is only metal barring iyswim?

Right listen - you are right. Of course you are.

BUT

She is concerned that she's going to have every little toerag in the area hanging about outside her house regularly, being destructive and cheeky. She is trying to stop it before it starts I reckon.

This can be easily sorted out by you telling her you have no interest in opening the gates to the entire street either.

Talk to her.

Oh and if she has patio doors opening straight out onto that garden, she will especially not want it teeming with all the local kids day in day out. They'll be up having a look in her windows and refusing to be chased off.

You can't relax in your living room while the wee thug from across the road peers in your window and jeers at you.

I speak from experience.

That is what she is afraid of happening OP. Bet you.

That's whats been happening - one of the arguments for fencing. The fencing has stopped this.

DS told her I had said only the one boy - because he's a school friend of our visitors and a good friend of DS because they live in the same road.

I have talked to her before about how great the fencing is - she complained about the style of it! About how it means our children have a place they can play to call there own - she complained about how badly the grass is cut (it is btw but thats another issue) and about how I could perhaps get a trampoline for them to share - she just pulled the face and said that would encourage trespassers. So I said I wouldn't.

Unfortunatly I know from previous conversations she doesn't agree with children being out to play, that they should be with their parents or all in their own back gardens. Guess that's why it annoyed me when she then started telling DS he couldn't do it.

When they have visitors her DD plays outside with them. I think it's the fact it's kids from our street that bothers her. She tars every child who makes a mistake or pisses her off - even innocently and unintentionally as a trouble maker. She's decided 99% of the children down this road are in that catagory - when its actually only a select 5/6 out of about 50.

OMG just realised I live above Victor Meldrew

The fact is that kids attract other kids. The fence won't stop them. If the local wee troll is walking past and sees kids playing in a communal garden, he'll be in there, whether it's his communal garden or not. You won't know because you haven't seen him come in. Next thing he's at your neighbours patio doors gawking in, or he's on the shed roof, or whatever.

Unfortunately, she is trying control something she can't because she fears her privacy will be compromised.

She'll have to suck it up - but you can at least pave the way to reassuring her, and being vigilant when your kids are out there and monitering who is coming in and out.

I have had my communal garden besieged by the local kids who spotted my son playing out. Once they start to trickle in, they are VERY hard to get rid of. And some of them don't give a fuck.

We moved in the end. It was unbearable. To be fair, we were in a notoriously rough scheme. No idea what your area is like....but that's my experience, so I can see your neighbours pov...even though there is nothing she can do. It's just her tough luck really.

My suggestion: supervise ds and 1 guest over a few playdates; have a picnic on the grass or something at the start of the playdate, then you leave them a bit on their own but keep popping out. Do this 3-4 times over the hols. When she sees it's just dc and 1 well-behaved friend and you are there, she hopefully can't complain.

Be clear to dc and guest that it's only them who can play - number is limited to 2. If they want to play with more then they have to let you know they are going to the park. They has to be a balance where ds can play in his own garden with a friend and being considerate to your neighbour.

olympics we were outside at first when all 4 were playing. She spoke to my DS when we went up for coffee and so I could get some snacks for them. I stuck my head out of the window when neighbour spoke to him and I said remember just X DS and he said they'd sent others away. She also knows that when they are in out in out I give a warning and if they come hurtling through the flat again - then they are kept in as I don't want neighbours disturbed.

Pictish I get exactly what your saying. Thats what my neighbour worries about but tbh your situation sounds awful. Ours isn't. A few times kids spilling into the garden when unfenced in a game of tag or hide and seek but they buggered off if asked/told. They would mostly come round when we were in the garden but they can't now as theres a gate. There were a few that came round to goad her (pre fence/gate) but I think the problem being that she speaks so rudely to them over nothing (I've seen it) they see her as an easy target iyswim?
The neighbourhood kids are not coming in and out now theres a fence/gate. The same way they don't enter anyone elses back gardens. I have been round friends, and certainly when I was growing up where people came to the back garden, asked if they could play and stayed/went dependent on the answer.
I'm so sorry you have to move because of it - no one should ever feel that way.
The problem is more my neighbour though - she hated the park being built because "she knew it would encourage all the local yobbos who will disturb her everynight". OK so sometimes it's noisy (I just call 101 and ask local beat to pop down on their rounds) but it is not that bad and certainly never more than once a month (usually half term!). She doesn't see why they had to build one - it just encourages large groups of children to meet together and play .

If its a communial garden of course your little man can invite his friends in and you are wise enough to make sure he understands that does not mean the whole street,your neighbour is being very territorial in her area but surely she understood this when she moved in to the premises ? If you want to have a trampoline in your garden for your boy put in a written request to your HA and I'm sure they will agree as long as it is not in front of anyones window or is unsightly we have to do this here as we are a communial garden and I even make sure I have written permission to errect a bird table or a rotary clothes line.

But if you spread yourself out on a picnic mat and it's you, dc and a friend having lunch what's there to complain about? But 4 children would be too much for a children-adverse neighbour.