to ask for some straight talking people to give me a virtual slap.re jealousy

[chosenone]

Once and for all. My friends and family can be too nice I have posted before about jealousy issues with my DP and weird things I wind myself up about ; his past, many sexual partners etc, comparing myself to his last gf the only one he had a long, long relationship with. Been together nearly 2 years he has moved in and is a fantastic step dad to DC who love him, hands on around the house, emotionally and practically supportive and things are going so well.
I then find myself inviting thougts in to my head about who he had sex with 15 years ago and the varied experiences he had and it really upsets me. In my saner moments I know its bit fair, we both have pasts and have moved on and grown up a lot. We hapve talked a lot about it and DP reassures me that his twenties were a time of hedonism and now he's in his forties he is very different, very settled and happy with family life. I totally adore him and don't want to feel like this and spoil things so ...... How do the rest of you deal with this? Don't think about the past, push thougts away ? Any tips gratefully received

I had a weird stage of doing this about a year after I had been with my now DH. I have no idea why! It drove me mad. I never cared less about my ex's past but with DH I felt different.

Now, as time has gone on the jealousy has gone too. I suppose I realised I had a past too and wouldnt want to be made to feel guilty about it.

Also I have come to realise how much dh loves me, and how the other girls/women were nothing in comparision to how he feels about me, as is true for me and my past.

Sometimes we both say we wish we had met each other years ago and not wasted our time with other people, but I think we wouldnt fully appreciate one another now.

I think in time the jealousy will fade. I think as time goes on and you see his commitment to you and your dc and realise how special what you have is and its your history together that counts.

I would try and concentrate on how your dp treats you and remind yourself how lucky you are he choose you- and of course how lucky he is you choose him!

Btw I think you will find very little people who will admit to sharing feelings of jealousy- we are taught how wrong jealousy is in our society, which can make it even harder to deal with as you feel you have to brush your feelings under the carpet.

I used to be like this in my 20s, it's horrible and destructive and ultimately destroyed a really fantastic relationship. I am so far the other way now DH thinks I am made of stone. You need to consider one huge thing - why is he with you and not still doing all these things? Answer-because he wants to be with you. You can't change anything about his past and if you are going to accept him, you need to accept his past to. It's really not important anymore but your future with him is, so please don't spoil it.

Thankyou for your post, some fab comments. I agree with the admitting to jealousy as lots of my friends are very quick so laugh off any issues with their partners and I know quite a few people who are cool with strip bars etc and I'm a bit more insecure I guess. I wasn't like this with exDH but we had a much more matey relationship. I want to remind myself I'm lucky and also want him to know he's secure as he had an awful childhood and his ex chested on him, its so unfair that I bring up crap from over a decade ago isn't it.

Jealousy is such a horrible insidious emotion. You have my sympathy, OP, I used to be pathologically jealous.

I found it had its roots in lack of self-esteem and as I've become more confident, it had less hold over me. Slightly different in that I would be irrationally jealous of potential situations rather past ones and again, that helped - knowing that if I behaved irrationally then I would be more likely to bring about the situation I feared (husband leaving me for someone else) helped me control my impulse to react.

Hard though it is, try to believe your DP. If those earlier experiences had been all that, he would still be with that person or seeking out that lifestyle. But he's not - he's with YOU. He has made his choice -YOU.

You have to tell yourself that you didnt know him then, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about his past either.

Ask yourself if you would rather be with this man and accept his past, or drive him away by irrational jealousy.

jealousy is a tough one, it can eat away at you. instead of trying to push the thoughts away, try and examine what's causing them, and perhaps recognise those feelings of jealousy as being a manifestation of insecurity or stress/anxiety.

when i am stressed or anxious i often 'project' those feelings onto something/someone else. if i stop and think about it, i can say "actually, i don't feel good about myself right now" and that's my issue, not any of the small details i get hung up
on. i remind myself that it's ok to feel like that every now and again, then i get on with my day.

i hope you can find a way of reframing your jealous thoughts that works for you :)

Nothing helpful at all to add, other than profuse thanks, Chosenone for making me realise that it's not just me who feels like this. Having spent a year battling with this (weirdly, was fine prior to getting married, have been pathologically jealous ever since) to the point where I have given serious consideration to either/or therapy or ending the relationship, I'm now a bit sobby at the realisation that I'm not a complete freak.

Btw I do think a huge part of my issue was my ex treated me horribly including cheating many, many times. It wrecked my self esteem and faith in the human race frankly.

Could this possibly be a factor for you- were past realtionships damaging for you? I think we can carry our issues through to next realtionships. Its deeply unfair and illogical but is still part of human nature wether we like it or not.

"And don't give any more food to your jealousy ...never look at photos, never ask for details." Ugh. This is the thing I do that makes it even worse. It's like a compulsion

Gilb ....sorry to hear you're the same. I too have considered therapy. I think the issue is my looks tbh. In particular my weight. I am a size 14 and post DC obviously have stretch mamarks etc. He is nothing but complimentary but as he's bot the father of DC I'm a bit insecure. So I compare myself to all his past conquests and imagine them to be supermodels or something. I am going to make a concerted effort to stop this inner wind up merchant as I don't want to lose him.