Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you make a commitment to do something you should honnor it...?

19 replies

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 11:32

The story..
The Husband, DD and I were invited to a friends daughters 3rd birthday. My friend but husband does know them. We accepted the invitation. A week later and his friend phones wanting to come and stay for the weekend. Great, I say, but tell him we have plans on one of the days. Cue complete backtrack... I'm
Not going to the party now, I want to stay with friend so I will, it's your friend anyway, it doesn't matter if I don't go.

Now, in my mind a commitment is a commitment and you don't back out because something you would rather do comes up. So regardless of where it was I think he said he was coming so should have.
But... they live a few hours away and I have a broken ankle so can't drive. So him not going meant I couldn't go either.

So, AIBU to think he should have said to friend to come up but for 6 ish hours one day we have plans already?

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 05/08/2012 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olympia2012 · 05/08/2012 11:44

Have you broken the ankle since he said he wasn't coming?

savoycabbage · 05/08/2012 11:44

I don't think it's BU for him not to go, but he should definitely give you a lift. I wouldn't expect my friends dh to come to my child's parties, and if they said they were coming and then they didn't I probably wouldn't notice let alone mind.

dexter73 · 05/08/2012 11:46

Tricky one. I would rather spend time with a friend than go to someones kids 3rd birthday, but difficult that you can't get there without him. Could he drive you to the party and then go off with his friend while you are there?

HecateHarshPants · 05/08/2012 11:47

He is being really unfair to make it impossible for you to go.

But, otoh, it's a party for a 3 year old. Who probably won't much care if he is there or not.

so, as a compromise, could he and friend not take you there, go and have lunch together then pick you up and you all drive home? You get to see your friend, your daughter gets to go to the party and he isn't leaving his friend alone for 6 hours when he's only coming for the weekend.

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 11:49

No, I broke the ankle weeks ago now, hence the plan for a day out together and him to drive with party in afternoon.
There are no trains near here and bus station is 20 mins walk (without broken ankle so not sure it would take with a hobble!) and even if it were nearer it's 2 hours there and 2 back in a car so longer on a bus, with numerous changes I'd imagine, and not something I fancy with a 1 year old.

OP posts:

janey68 · 05/08/2012 11:49

Good idea Hecate.

I am assuming this is a close friend of yours, because several hours drive is a big commitment for a 3 yr olds party... But in all probability your dh isn't really that fussed about going if he doesn't know them that well. So dropping you off and doing their own thing- meal, cinema, whatever- sounds ideal

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 11:50

Yes, my friend won't mind that he didn't go I agree, but I think it's rude that him not going makes me unable to go.

OP posts:

dexter73 · 05/08/2012 11:52

It does seem like a long time to travel to go to a party for a 3yo with a 1yo. Could you arrange to go to visit your friend another time when she will have more time to spend with you? I imagine she will be very busy at the party with kids and other relatives so won't be able to talk to you much.

WilsonFrickett · 05/08/2012 11:52

He should either drive you there or pay for a cab both ways. I too hate when people break commitments if something better comes along, however it's a kid's party. The invite is really for your DD, after all, so I don't blame him for crying off.

That said, you do have a broken ankle so he needs to support your DD in accepting the invitation IYSWIM - hence lift or cab.

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 11:53

If they were the type of people who wanted a stroll about town and meal and chat then that would have worked, but they spend the whole day at the beach doing watersports.

OP posts:

janey68 · 05/08/2012 11:56

It's likely to be chucking it down surely- an afternoon in the pub will appeal more than the beach

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 12:00

It's a long way, yes, but out in the sticks you get used to that! They clocked up further this weekend with their beach trips.

OP posts:

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 12:06

Water sports though janey68 so they're already wet!
I do get that a child's party isn't everyone's idea of fun, really I do. And if this was a friend he never saw I'd be (slightly) more understanding, but they went on holiday for a week 2 weeks ago, he's here this weekend, we are seeing him next weekend and staying away with him the weekend after. But the biggest thing to me is a commitment should be honoured. Vice versa and I would (and recently have) told friends I can't do things because I have made plans already, plans that are really his thing but we as a couple decided to go to, so I follow through.

OP posts:

janey68 · 05/08/2012 12:10

I think he should certainly honour the commitment to get you to the party. But in all honesty, it seems to be making a point for the sake of it to insist he stays at the 3 yr olds party simply because originally you said you'd both come

This is YOUR good mate, right? She won't mind that it's just you. The kid certainly won't mind.

So I think youre reasonable to insist he gets you there and back but unreasonable to insist he attends

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 12:13

Yup, I agree, getting me there is the most important thing. But with the friend here and them off at the beach (12 hours yest and 2 so far today, don't expect them back until 5/6) that's impossible.

OP posts:

janey68 · 05/08/2012 12:16

Not impossible if you compromise. They won't be able to do watersports but can do something else- meal/ cinema/ walk/ swim/ sports centre- there are endless possibilities.

janey68 · 05/08/2012 12:18

Google what's available in the area of the party... They might even get lucky and find a lake with jet ski or something
Seriously - there will be something, they just need to be imaginative and do something other than the beach for once

Original poster

wobblewobble · 05/08/2012 12:26

I agree!
'they just need to be imaginative and do something other than the beach for once' sums it all up, but it must be the beach for them.
The party was yesterday, I missed it, I was just wondering how other people felt about this kind of thing. My friend is lovely, she doesn't mind, the kid doesn't mind as they have presents and cake and jelly, my baby doesn't mind as too young to have known. It's me. I mind. I mind people backing out of agreed plans. Grrr!
If his friend had been already coming when we got the invite I would have said I couldnt go because hubby was busy and I can't drive there.

OP posts:

Flip