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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask "what can my DH do when I'm in labour to HELP me cope"

20 replies

worriedwretch · 05/08/2012 07:26

Following on from other threads this week - where I have been concerned about birth of my 3rd child soon (I'm 38+ weeks) I chatted with my partner to make sure he was fully on board to help me cope and advocate for me when I can't (and I don't - as in labour I stay pretty quiet)

He says he doesn't know how.

Eg pain relief - i wasn't offered any last time for well over 12 hours. I would like him to make sure I get offered it this time. He says he doesn't know when I will need it?

This all needed in him walking away and me feeling like I need a different birth partner so I don't get totally let down (as that's how I felt last time)

Please help me explain to him what I need - Ive written this and given it to him

BIRTH PLAN

offer me drinks
offer to rub my back (it's called counter pressure. The midwife will be able to show how to do this effectively. Please ask her)
hold me
think about if I need pain relief
PLEASE keep examinations to a minimum

advocate on my behalf regarding forceps delivery / c section
pain relief
help me move and stay mobile and get in positions (gravity is my friend)

Please discuss the following with the midwives - as I would prefer

to discover the gender of the baby myself not be told this
delayed clamping of the cord
ORAL VIT K FOR BABY (this is VERY important)

OP posts:

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 05/08/2012 07:29

He needs to ask you if you need pain relief, not just think about whether you do!

Other than that, looks like a comprehensive list.

Isityouorme · 05/08/2012 07:29

Your DH should be there to support you but why can't you ask for pain relief etc? If this his first baby? He is probably scared but it should fall into place when the time comes. If it isn't his first baby then either you are perhaps overreacting or he is a bit of a dick ....

Original poster

worriedwretch · 05/08/2012 07:34

I don't ask for pain relief (didn't last two times) as was in a "zone" type state and didn't talk at all

I need him to do more than just stand there and watch me!

I'm not over reacting. Last time he removed him self all the time and just did as MWs and his sister told him to. I felt totally alone

OP posts:

Isityouorme · 05/08/2012 07:36

Then the birth plan looks good. Hopefully your DH will be better this time. Does he feel guilty at how useless he was last time? Hope all works out okay, that DH supports you and you have a healthy baby. Good luck.

woopsidaisy · 05/08/2012 07:42

I think you should get a different birth partner tbh. It doesn't sound like he has the confidence to be vocal on your behalf. nor does it sound like he understands enough about the whole process to really be a helpful partner, positioning etc.
I had DH with me for DC1. Now he was great, rubbed my back-was a back to back birth-gave me drinks, encouraged me etc. But he was clearly uncomfortable,didn't like seeing me so uncomfortable etc. So for DC2 I had my best friend, and for this one I have two friends on stand by.DH will whizz up to the hospital once baby is born.
Your birth partner is an important role, you need that person to be up to the job. If he isn't then get someone who is. He can nip in once DC is born. I think too many people have useless DHs at the birth.

JumpingThroughHoops · 05/08/2012 07:50

Why was his sister there?

Original poster

worriedwretch · 05/08/2012 07:51

I have my sister and a friend both available. They are the only ones I trust to look after the DC while I'm in labour. It would mean choosing one of them - how do I do that? Both have had children them
Selves and both I trust completely

OP posts:

VolAuVent · 05/08/2012 08:11

I'm not sure the midwives will be able to get pain relief for you unless you ask for it yourself - if your DH says "get her pain relief" they might say they need to hear it from you. If you don't talk at this time, how are you going to answer your DH when he asks if you need pain relief? Maybe you need to agree a sign, or that you will squeeze his hand or something? Or have a list on a piece of paper where you can point to what you need?

Drinks, back-rubs, holding you, helping you to move etc - all fine. He might be a bit worried about doing these things at the wrong time though - can you tell him how often he needs to ask? How will you communicate your needs if you're not speaking?

Advocating re. forceps/C-section - what exactly do you want him to advocate for? If there's a point where these interventions become necessary, what then?

Are you going to give the list to your midwife as well? Have a copy with your maternity notes?

fruitybread · 05/08/2012 08:30

I don't think YABU at all - but....

If your DP is someone who doesn't really 'deal' with authority figures or can't assert himself in some situations, then being completely honest, he is unlikely to suddenly discover these skills within the next month. If he walked away from the conversation about how he can help, that doesn't sound like someone who is willing or able to take control in the way you want.

And if you don't feel you can rely on him 100 per cent, that will stress you out. You want someone to take the pressure off you, I think, not become someone you have to 'manage'.

Being an advocate for you about pain relief/forceps/C section, dealing with busy midwives and possibly brisk medical staff! will need someone to be assertive and clear and a good communicator. (I really don't mean 'stroppy' or rude, just making sure your wishes are respected and speaking up if something is not being handled well). If his behaviour last time was silent/absent/ultra-compliant, it's really not likely to be very different this time. A list would be a good idea for a partner who needed a little bit of guidance, but I think you need to be asking a different birth partner tbh.

strugglingwiththepreteenbit · 05/08/2012 08:37

get him to view examples of OBEM that you consider "best practice?" Explain why it was good/bad.
Do you have a friend who would be willing to be your advocate? You could also put a point in the birthplan for the midwife about him needing help to support you. Good Luck!

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/08/2012 09:10

The problem with putting all this in the birth plan is that assumes they actually open it and read it (mine stayed in the bottom of my hospital bag until I unpacked when I got home afterwards...). Your birthing partner, whoever they may be, needs to know your feelings on the most important stuff and be willing and able to communicate that to the MW and any other medical staff.

I agree with others that you might want to think about having someone else there to do the things you have on your list (which looks quite long and intimidating to me; I'd feel worried I would fail to get it all right too, based on what's in your OP), then your DP can concentrate on the moral support / seeing his child being born thing. Your comment on feeling let down last time is really sad, and neither of you should feel like that this time round

Original poster

worriedwretch · 05/08/2012 09:32

That list is long? Really? I didn't think it was at all. They ate just points to prompt him they are the things that I discussed with him. He knows and shares the same views on certain things - it was just to prompt.

As for pain relief it's a prompt that he should ask me If I would like some - at some point. Rather than ask the MWs.

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/08/2012 09:40

I think once the list gets past three key things (eg pain relief as soon as possible; oral Vit K; find out gender myself) it starts to get a bit unwieldy in that it can't be memorised.

Willowisp · 05/08/2012 09:46

Why don't you forget DP & empower yourself to give birth alone ?

Original poster

worriedwretch · 05/08/2012 09:49

I was thinking of doing that

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 05/08/2012 09:52

I think your birth plan sounds fine, but separate it out.

Give the a small, four bullet point (vit k, exams, gender, 3rd stage) plan to the midwives, because that's what they will be interested in. Get him to give it to them asap when you get in, and to keep a copy in case there's a shift change by the time you give birth and it's not on the notes.

Then a separate list for DH about ways he can support you. I'd leave out the forceps and c section part, because they're not done on a whim, it will be if the midwife/doctor feels it is the safest course of action.

So DH's list should look like this:

offer me drinks
offer to rub my back (it's called counter pressure. The midwife will be able to show how to do this effectively. Please ask her)
hold me
think about ask me if I need pain relief
help me move and stay mobile and get in positions (gravity is my friend)

Willowisp · 05/08/2012 09:53

Great - I was terrified of giving birth without an epidural & didn't want Dh (oe anyone) in with me. I bellowed & screamed for an epidural - no birthing plan - for me, they all go out the window if something goes wrong. Anyway, just as medic arrived, my waters broke & dd2 followed shortly.

If it helps I did lots of 'opening' up thoughts & gave birth standing up, thinking gravity was the way to go. Dh & dd1 were watching tv next door

VolAuVent · 05/08/2012 10:39

"As for pain relief it's a prompt that he should ask me If I would like some - at some point. Rather than ask the MWs."

Sorry if this is a daft question but if you can't talk and are in a "zone" how are you going to say yes or no?

TerracottaPie · 05/08/2012 10:54

I gave DP a list of things that might be helpful for me during labour. And so he'd know what to expect (his first, my third).

However, every time he tried to say something to me like reminding me to relax my shoulders I just shushed him. Every time. Loudly.

I get into a zone too and all his wittering (not that he was really) kept distracting me from my zone and making the contractions hurt more. He may have been told to fuck off a few times a lot

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/08/2012 11:16

Terracotta, sounds familiar. I didn't have a list as such, but had talked to DH about what I thought I wanted. Turned out to be none of those things. And the point where he took to telling me when "that contraction is over" based on the ziggly line on the monitor was probably a low point in our relationship...

There's a reason men were traditionally delegated to boil kettles and get towels...

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