To stop visiting my in laws

[VIX1980]

ive never been really close to my dad but since his partner recently passed away weve grown closer and hes pulled through the last few months with the help of his grandson, while hes been off work weve been seeing each other every day, this will all change when he goes back to work as it involves working away and odd shift patterns.

in laws are soo jealous of the time my dad has spent with him they now see us visiting them as a pass to take him out of his car seat when hes still sleeping, fil will make loud baby noises at him to wake him up, mil will constantly (and i mean constantly - today was 3 times) tell me his fingers are really long - ive heard this every time ive seen her since he was born, then she gets up close and says she thinks hes going to have fair hair, this is nothing you might think, did i mention they are both smokers and heavy drinkers, for the 1st wk ds was in intensive care with breathing difficulties, they continued to come to the hospital expecting to hold him stinking of smoke and got offended when i said do you mind leaving it today.

cut to the past week, mil turned up to ask if she could take him out, i said of course, and off they went for a walk to the park, 20 minutes later she came back and told me he hadnt even woke up when they got near the ducks , i reminded her he was 3 wks old at the time.

then they turn up again as we were off out last saturday to take ds out to visit all the friends in the local pub, luckily dp was with me on this and we both said no, hes too young. they got in a huff so dp took them home, she sent him back with a cauliflower and now im really ungrateful for not ringing to say thanks ( im seriously at a loss with this 1 so if anyone has an idea why a cauliflower id appreciate being let in on it, thanks), dp also had a talk with them and asked them not to pressure me into taking the baby off me, they said ok.

weds they turned up again and rang demanding to know why wasnt i in, i told them i dont sit in every day and if they were coming down to ring first to make sure im in (its a half hour walk for them so you think theyd check 1st) - this also doesnt sound like behaviour of people who arent trying to take ds off me at every given opportunity, it obviously went in 1 ear and out the other.

the thing is i dont like them or respect them for the way they behave, mil is an alcoholic tot he point she hides bottles around the house, fil is out every night, i have nothing in common with them at all, if i do visit they dont acknowledge me, i only get my baby back when he needs changing and if i dare change his nappy then hold him for a second i get moaned at saying i have him all week. while id never stop them from seeing him, me visiting them also just winds me up and i feel so much better when i dont have to go, dp says this will cause a huge arguement between all his family, im past caring, i like his extended family (his aunt and uncle are amazing and i wish they were his parents). i dont think its unreasonable to not want to go somewere i dont particularly feel welcome and they treat me like i was just born to give them a grandchild. im really pissed off today and sick at the way i feel because of them.

sorry thats so long, meant to add the thing about my dad was written as they are always making snide comments about my dad visiting, mil has suggested when my dad goes back to work she drops more hours at work to mind my baby, i wouldnt mind but even my own mum knows her boundaries and wouldnt dream of interferring to the same extent.

It's easier for you to visit than have them drop in on you. At least you can leave after a short while.

Little and often..... Or what you can cope with

Its hard trying to find a solution that keeps everyone happy, i'm thankfully we live 200 miles from mine and my dh family, i've seen and heard this so much within our families.

I deal with any issues we have with my parents and dh deals with issues with his parents and we have found this works well for us, it does sound like your husband is supportive and isn't one of those dh's that won't stand up for you or speak up to his parents, i think if you both keep strong and not let them get into a routine of taking advantage of you as once the habits have been established it's far harder to go back and change what has become the norm and they'll then wonder why you have suddenly changed something they had been doing for months or years like if they visit 5 times a week and it makes your blood boil to see them so much, they probably won't be aware of it and would wonder why no one said anyhting sooner

set the boudries early it would be a shame to never see them even if they are controlling they are still your ds's grandparents. Maybe visit them once a week or fortnight so that you can get away when you've had enough and them visit you once a week or fortnight so there's less contact. Is your ds there first gc

Thought it was amusing that your mil thought a 3 week old would magically wake up because there were ducks.

Next time she says something about your dad, just say "yes, well when you or FiL is widowed, we'll be here to support you through it too"
Is your son breastfed? you could, if you feel brave, try lobbing out a breast and feeding in front of them (That scattered my friends inlaws, their feet didn't touch the floor. She was driven to it by them, and was beetroot red, but she was determined to get rid of them after yet another 6 hour visit so she just did it and they were off)

What's this about ducks?

I think when 1 of them is eventually widowed the 1 still alive will expect to move in with us, when i first told her about my stepmums death the 1st thing she said was when will my dad be moving in, she was horrified i wouldnt be asking my 55 year old dad to come live with us, in fact think my dad may have been more horrified if i had asked him.

and yes she really did expect hi to magically wake up and look at the ducks with her . she is in competition with her sil whose daughter has just had a baby the wk after us, the thing is the sil is close to er daughter as i am to my mum, obviously my mums going to be the 1st person i turn to and she sees this with her sil and thinks the same should be for us 2, ill never be close to her enough to ring her up or go visit alone, ive no problem whatsoever with dp visiting with our baby though, but this is the problem, he thinks ill cause more trouble, so instead hed rather see me sit there being ignored, and as someone said visit once a wk, thats not enough for them, they want to come rnd tomorrow too and through the wk they just turn up. cant wait till our sons 10 and not that interesting to them anymore!!

I think another problem is that there´s 2 of them & one OP.

So even if she visits them it might be hard to get away.

Obviously they want to see their GC-but then why can´t they make an effort to get on with OP?

And why does her partner think she should go so as not to cause trouble(wtaf)-even when she is ignored when there?

Maybe you could start by going through past scenarios in your head and thinking what you could have done/said differently to get the outcomes that you wanted. This may help you to be prepared for not being pushed around by them. You need to practice how to say no x

I think if i went past scenarios every single one would end with a knife being put through someones head .

Since giving birth on the day she came to take him to see the ducks , she looked me up and down and told me id nearly lost all the baby weight, just had a few more pounds to go, its clear to anyone else who knows me im half a stone lighter now than before i got pregnant so to say this just makes me think she is either blind or evil.

she also took it upon herself to be my stretch mark diary and continually kept telling and asking me if im rubbing in oil, i said i was but i mights still get them anyway (i did!!), she still delights to this day in telling me how she had 3 children put on 4 stone and didnt get 1 stretch mark. I dont believe her but i choose to ignore her. she still repeats this story to this day.

its the constant smothering i hate, my own family dont do it and i hate the fact they think they can do it to us (i say us, they come into my house, smother the 3 of us while managing to ignore me completely). i do feel like a spare part now my son is here. the less i see of them the happier i am, i have no problem with dp taking ds to see them, i take him to see my family and dp hardly ever comes, so i think its unfair to expect me to travel down, giving up every weekend to go and see people i dont really like, have nothing to say to, and just basically dont want to actually see.

Poor you. This situation sounds tough, to the point that it is making your early weeks with DS less enjoyable.

I agree that you need to set some clear boundaries now. E.g. max one visit per week. It just isn't on that they turn up at your house whenever they feel like it - you're an adult and entitled to your privacy. Does your DH work / is he out of the house during the day?

As time goes by and you want to get out and about more, it'll be inconvenient as well as an imposition.

I think you need to work with DP to get a life of your own, which doesn't involve spending every weekend with his parents, and decide the new boundaries, and then tell his parents.

If he doesn´t bother with your parents, it´s really hypocritical that he expects you to bother with his.

I mean if you liked them & wanted to bother fair enough...

They sound a bit like my ILs, especially the 'visiting the ducks' thing. From the minute my DS was born they went nuts - I used to joke to DH that they expected him to be out riding his bike from birth - and he was 3 months premature so was a 'baby' for longer than most.

I think it's likely that they're just really, really excited about your DS. It may be annoying to you that they constantly want to hold him or when they keep saying the same things about him BUT you might find it less so if you look at the motivation behind it. If its that they're trying to annoy you then by all means feel annoyed but if it's just that they love their grandson and are excited to be grandparents then maybe try and cut them some slack (I appreciate it's hard).

It still annoys me when my ILs hover around my DS constantly, get in his face and flap about everything (they can see danger in the most innocuous situation) but I try and remind myself that it's all because they love him which helps me to feel a bit more charitable.

Poor you, they sound like very hard work.

I know this Isnt at all helpful but Cauliflower Gate confuses me. Mil hands her son the delicious vegetable, I assume he said thanks? Then They want a phone call from you too?? It must be a feckin fantastic vegetable. Or as a female do they think food is your domain? They gave it to you. Bonkers.

Having a baby's life changing enough, not to mention knackering, without bloody difficult people stirring it, added to which you're supporting your Dad through a very difficult time in his life. There just isn't enough of you to go round! It's wonderful you're happy for dp to take ds over to visit. I gradually unplugged the phone, disconnected the doorbell and started ignoring the door when dd was born because people genuinely have no recognition that you can't be woken 5 times a night every night and not rest during the day. I did try telling the next door neighbours to pop in a note instead of hammering at 9am about fixing their fence that had been broken for 16 months, when that didn't work I popped over at 7am when it suited me ( I'd been up for 2 hours, wide awake by then ). Perhaps you could do the same, and feign genuine surprise that they're not delighted to see you?

This sounds like my GM and my mum. As there was precious few family around my mum let her mil get away with it. Biggest mistake she ever made. Her and dad have been married 35 years, have 2 adult kids and 1 ( soon to be 2 ) grand kids. My mother still "isn't family". Whilst my GM has now died, other family members have taken this up. She severely regrets never setting the boundaries sooner.

Also sounds a bit like my ex mil and ex hubby. The happiest thing that came out of my divorce was getting rid of the mil. Thankfully no kids to contend with too. Current mil is lovely, always there when needed but rarely drops in uninvited. It's such a relief.

Just to add, current mil is the GM of my dd and bump.

I agree with Artex that they're most likely super excited to the point of overkill about the new baby. But yes, you need to put some boundaries into place early on.

Can you start building up a weekly round of baby groups/activities? Not necessarily the £££ ones - when I was on mat leave last year I managed to find something free to do every day. And as baby settles down you can start designating - and enforcing - quiet times when nobody can visit perhaps? And practice being assertive without getting into an argument - calm and firm.

Love the cauliflower and ducks stories

But why is them being excited an excuse for them to be rude?

Im at a complete loss with regards to the cauliflower, we dont even eat it, its still in the fridge!!

yesterday i was given some knitted cardis for the baby, she told me her friend had knitted them for him, 2 had food stains on and 1 had a label aged 4-5 , another friend had bought him a snowsuit for the winter, all i said was oh its lovely but ill have to swap the sizes as she'd bought 9-12 months, meaning he'd have been wearing it next june! i got the look of death as if it wasnt good enough for me!

I have joined some baby groups, i told her this last saturday when she turned up and announced shes be taking him out, i told her to call first and ask if she can see him as weve joined some groups and wouldnt be in for most of the week, sad thing is though i now know her afternoons off and will make sure im out for them! everyone else rings first or texts so i get the chance to say do you mind leaving it im just having a sleep or sorry im just off out, i dont get the chance with these 2 turning up unannounced.

i wish i still had my ex mil, we got on better than i did with her son!

Wow that's really really way too much in my opinion!!!

My ds is 7 weeks old and the only time he's been left with grandparents is when my mum watched him for us for 2 hours while we went to the pub for dinner!!! I'm not saying there's anything wrong if you're the type of parent who is happy for gp's to have dc's - that's fine- but if you're nnot happy, and you're clearly not, then you have every right to say so. Your baby is really young and you're trying to read their signals and bond with them. I totally understand.

I would just not answer the door if they come round unannounced. Say you were having a nap. Visit them when you want to and leave when you want to.

My in laws are ok but I have visited them once since ds was born, I do my food shopping 5 mins down the road from them and don't tell them when I'm going as I don't want to have to visit them all the time and I know they'd expect me to.

Op - your partner needs to get on your side with this. It's all far too much. (every weekend??) and he really should be able to see that.

You might need to loosen up on the food stains and the telling people you are going to have to change the gifts they bring, it's a bit rude. Just quietly exchange them later and don't mention it.

She is being too demanding of your time though.

They definitely sound a bit OTT but I think you're going to have to ignore the door & phone calls if it's not convenient and don't tell them where you're going. When visiting, arrange an appointment afterwards so you can get away at a definite time - or say you're just popping in on your way to see so-and-so.

I would also second the person who said keep quiet about the gifts and returning them. Just say thanks and quietly charity shop or exchange as necessary. PIL and my mum gave me quite a bit of stuff for DD and I never said if I liked it or not, just thanked them and did what we wanted with it when we got home. Some new, some second-hand; some we kept, some we didn't!

Maybe try a trip with the PIL when DS is a bit older? We meet PIL at a local farm park. They take DD around, feed the animals etc, while DH & I drink coffee and chat. It's something for them to do with DD and we're also on hand for toilet trips.

It won't harm your DS not to be left with them, we didn't leave DD until she was 9mo (except creche at church) and she's a feisty, independent little girl who regularly goes on holiday with my PIL and will go off with my mum or brother (despite not knowing them very well).

You need to set boundries as your dp needs to back you up on this