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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to stop hoarding.

22 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 12:52

This is all about dh's hoarding. He has a complete inability to throw anything away. We bought a big house last year. It is too big for us really but the deal was he could have the massive converted loft for all his treasured items bags of old receipts and old magazines and he would keep the rest of the house tidy and clear of clutter.

Well he has filled the attic and although the rest of the house looks ok our bedroom is turning into a complete shit tip too. I love him dearly, he is a great father and husband but I used to think I could change or at least reduce the hoarding behaviour. Is it unreasonable to think he can change?

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 12:53

Does he want to change? Has he tried?

Mintyy · 04/08/2012 12:53

He probably needs some sort of therapy/support to overcome this problem. It is patently not something that most hoarders can deal with on their own.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 12:55

He had the classic hoarders solution - I just need more storage.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 04/08/2012 12:56

What's his rationale for keeping a bag of receipts?

Passmethecrisps · 04/08/2012 12:57

Sympathies . . .

I have gently tried to introduce a sort of rule where if you can't remember it exists then, in essense I doesn't therefore should go in the bin.

I do feel that this kind of behaviour is pretty selfish although I can understand why people find it comforting to be surrounded with things.

Does he have a reason for wanting to keep everything?

What about asking him to introduce a one in one out rule for the loft? All items must go in there and for every box which goes in, he must commit to throwing one away.

Everyone else is entitled to a wee but of space too.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 12:57

I think you are right he does need help / therapy to properly get over this. At the moment we are doing ok with it and our relationship is good.

Think he would only really get better if made to choose between me and dd or a big house full of shit.

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Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 13:00

Thanks pass the trouble is with throwing things away is it takes forever. He will analyse every little scrap of paper before it goes in the bin. We are quite busy and he doesn't have time to do this.
I think this is a classic hoarding symptom - poor decision making. It is odd because at work he has to make decisions all the time and doesn't seem to have problems there.

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cozietoesie · 04/08/2012 13:14

WhenSheWasBad

I lived with a hoarder for many years. I'm afraid to say that faced with the sort of choice you mentioned, I think it likely that your OH would simply refuse to make it - ie 'shut down'.

Would he accept therapy ? What is his own view of his behaviour ?

tartyflette · 04/08/2012 13:19

You could try and bin some receipts when he's out, bit by bit, especially ones from your purse, say. and deny all knowledge It's about control -- if you take some of it away from him, he might find it a somewhat of a relief, sort of 'well, that receipt's gone, there's nothing I can do about it now.'

We tend to bung all day-to-day receipts in a bag or tin and chuck them after a month or so. Receipts for big household items like white goods obviously have to be kept for longer in case there are are problems, but those for undies from Marks and groceries from Tesco can go after a month.
Now, if I could only get to grips with the junk mail catalogue pile......

Passmethecrisps · 04/08/2012 13:19

Would he let you throw things away? Does he accept that it is unfair?

In furious response to DH refusing to throw anything away I threw away lots of things including every photograph I owned. I didn't do it deliberately - in fact I don't even remember doing it. A point was gently made though.

I throw my things away and he, eventually, follows.

Nymia · 04/08/2012 13:35

Introduce him to Evernote - at least for some of the paperwork. It's an organisational app for smartphones and PC/laptop, kind of like a digital scrapbook where you can file items and search for them again by name or keyword. It syncs with your main Internet device, so you can share items between phone and laptop easily.

It's very easy to use if you have a smartphone - just take a picture of the item while it's still in your hand and then bin the piece of paper. Then you open the app, upload the photo and give it a title and a keyword if you like. Done in about 30 seconds!

If you don't have a smartphone but do have a laptop, get a cheap printer/scanner and scan them all in. Takes a little longer, but it's very satisfying to do!

It's saved us a bit of a headache as I tend to hoard invoices and receipts, and DH tends to hoard match/theatre/cinema tickets. I also save stuff like P60s, tax codes etc so it's very handy when doing tax returns online having everything in front of me without rooting through the filing. My husband and I share an account so when he goes to the dentist, he takes a pic of the invoice and uploads it as he's walking back to work, texts me to let me know, and I can fill in the dental insurance claim and pop it in the post before he even gets home.

roses2 · 04/08/2012 13:40

I decluttered the house three years ago and threw out all the crap my DH hadn't touched in years without telling him. Three years on, he still hasn't gone looking for these items and he's none the wiser :)

thisisyesterday · 04/08/2012 13:42

is it feasible for you to take 45 mins? an hour? each evening to sit with him and go through a bag/box of stuff from the attic?

i know it would be slow progress, but this is insane. he has the entire attic full of shit and more in the house???

i have to admit if it were me i'd be up in the attic and doing a run to the dump while he was out at work. he won't miss it!

you need to be firm though. every time you let him have something in the bedroom he will think it's ok and put more in (trust me, i hoard myself although not to this extent). you need to make it very clear that you will be binning anything left in the bedroom that isn't put away/necessary.
don't enable him!

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 13:44

Roses that is a great approach. Am sure if I got rid of his boxes of crap he would be livid but in about 10 years time when he realised they had gone Smile

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/08/2012 13:55

Problem with that is, you're not both tackling the basic problem. All you'll be doing is creating more space so that he can keep on hoarding.

Sad
valiumredhead · 04/08/2012 14:00

I could not and would not be with someone that hoards, it would depress me so much I couldn't live with them. I feel for you OP.

HecateHarshPants · 04/08/2012 14:00

He needs help. Just secretly chucking stuff away doesn't solve the problem, as cozie says. He'll just keep on hording. And these things get worse and worse and worse and one day you're crawling 2 ft from the ceiling trying to slide into the kitchen!

It's a mental health problem and it needs tackling.

Katisha · 04/08/2012 14:03

Same here. But I can't chuck anything secretly because he WOULD notice and get v angry. If I throw anything away he gets the bag back out of the bin to check it for stuff he thinks should be salvaged. V difficult and a source of much tension.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 14:20

kat my dh has done the rummag

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Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 14:21

Rummaging (posted too early - stupid iPhone) through the bin to save his perceived treasures. It is maddening.

OP posts:
CrispyCod · 04/08/2012 14:28

show him this op, it might help

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 04/08/2012 14:31

Thanks crispy great site.

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