Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To tell DH I don't enjoy our sex life anymore?

50 replies

crapsexlife · 03/08/2012 16:45

Regular, but nc for this for obvious reasons

Our sex life is rubbish. DH really tries but he always ends up coming too soon and it's not doing it for me. It's getting to the point where we do it and when he comes I want to punch him for leaving me hanging. I am SO frustrated and it makes me want to sob and sob and sob that this is what it's come to. I really resent him for it, and I feel like really letting rip because I haven't had an orgasm in months with him.

It never used to be like this, and sometimes I feel angry at him when he has an erection in bed I feel so resentful.

I don't want anyone else, only him and I am actually crying as I write this. Should I tell him? I don't want to damage him or his confidence please help me.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 03/08/2012 17:27

When he says sorry, at that point show him what to do with his hands to pleasure you, or pleasure yourself so he can watch a learn. Don't leave it all up to him!

Debeez · 03/08/2012 17:30

YANBU to talk to him about this at all. Sex is between you both and it's not just the physical side of things. If you're feeling resentful or feeling pressure to orgasm it's not going to help either of you. Given he's mentioned he's concerned you're not enjoying it I dare say he wants to talk about it too.

Perhaps avoiding penetrative sex for a while may help? Focus on communication and exploring each other in other ways. Good sex starts well before you hit the bedroom IMHO.

For me personally I hate the old "I'm in bed and he has an erection so there will be sex" approach. I know it sounds soooooo cheesy but DP bringing me a cuppa and sharing a kiss as a thank you, holding hands and him rubbing my thumb with his in the car, my coming up behind him when he's washing up and kissing his neck is the crucial starter, it builds up through our day and there's rarely a day we go without sex. But the sex is just part of it IYSWIM.

Are you and your DP showing affection throughout the day, even in the little ways?

bonzo77 · 03/08/2012 17:33

Yanbu. Get him to sort you out before or after. Google sensate focus technique which can help with premature ejaculation. Can you try condoms? They make him less sensitive and might make him last longer. You can get special ones designed for this. Can he go more than once? I had an ex who lasted much longer if he had a wank earlier in the day.

Xales · 03/08/2012 17:33

Sex starts a long time before the stiffie in bed.

Get him to run you a bath, bring you a glass of wine. Snuggle, watch a film and touch each other.

Then get him to make sure you have had yours before he is allowed penetration.

happyAvocado · 03/08/2012 17:34

suggest a night a week when you only can climax - that will make him to concentrate on you 100%
if it needs to be - he has to take cold shower, but is all for good cause

Original poster

crapsexlife · 03/08/2012 17:35

Thank you so much for the valuable advice, I will reply later after we've put ds (2yo) to bed. I am more grateful than you can imagine xx

OP posts:

monkeyfacegrace · 03/08/2012 17:45

Not sure if it helps, but you aren't alone.

I cant orgasm with hands or tongue, occasionally with a vibrator (but its a crap small one). I can only have a full on orgasm if Im on top, grinding against him.

Very jealous of everybody who can orgasm quickly and easily.

My DH has pretty much given up trying, and it pisses me off too.

Shall we cry and tantrum together

Oh, I can come occasionally with my hands, if Im watching filthy porn something erotic, maybe you could try that? Happy to be shot down in flames if that's not your thing!

Original poster

crapsexlife · 03/08/2012 19:08

Yes, I can come but not through penetration alone iyswim, but it does feel nice. I miss the closeness it brought, and I hate feeling this way about sex with my lovely husband.

However. I have taken advice on board and we have opened a bottle of champagne and DH is cooking a pasta for supper. DS is in bed and all is quiet so far

OP posts:

BlackholesAndRevelations · 03/08/2012 19:24

I am always "finished off" by hands or tongue whether I've had a vaginal orgasm or not (dancing dolly- they do exist!!)

Sometimes I get his hand and say "you're not done yet" and guide his hand where it needs to be, lol!

Good luck x

custardismyhamster · 03/08/2012 19:33

I have never come from sex at all-whether penetration, oral or his or my fingers. I do however come with a vibrator. I enjoy sex don't get me wrong it just doesn't finish me off. So, my vibrator is a regular part of my sex life and luckily the ex was quite happy with that

Sallyingforth · 03/08/2012 19:34

OP you said "he always ends up coming too soon". Are you saying that if he just lasted longer you would be OK?
There are ways of making him last longer. He can get an anaesthetic spray designed to do just that.

Original poster

crapsexlife · 03/08/2012 19:48

sallying yes, I think we'd both enjoy it more if he lasted longer.

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 03/08/2012 19:55

Have a look at this..

www.chemistdirect.co.uk/stud-100-desensitizing-spray-for-men_1_6111.html

Emmielu · 03/08/2012 19:57

You could try foreplay with eachother but have a signal for when either of you are about to climax, stop, stick to kissing for a while, then carry on with foreplay again. Try different things in the bedroom too, sexy underwear, toys etc. If you make things different it might make you feel more likely to orgasm.

Malificence · 03/08/2012 20:33

The simple answer is to have more sex and use lots of lube to reduce friction, you could also try a cock ring.
I hate it when I see advice to have an orgasm first, it's deeply unsatisfying (for both parties) to have very brief penetrative sex, having an orgasm first doesn't actually solve the problem, it can make it worse as your vagina tightens considerably for a few minutes afterwards.
His orgasm is also ruined by coming too quickly - better sex / lasting longer is for the benefit of both of you.

Debeez · 03/08/2012 20:36

Enjoy your evening crap, I feel awful referring to you as that

I dare say it wont change over night but that fact that you refer to your DP as "my lovely husband" and you're communicating and making this time for each other indicates it wont be long before you feel better about this.

Krumbum · 03/08/2012 20:43

Ask him to pleasure you using his, hands, mouth or toys. Does he know you are not happy? Do you fake orgasms?
It's not all about penetration, there's lots of ways to take your time and receive pleasure.

Malificence · 03/08/2012 20:55

KB - when both partners want PIV to last longer then it is all about penetration. Focussing on it is perfectly natural in their situation.

vodkaanddietirnbru · 03/08/2012 21:05

I use my fingers to bring myself to orgasm during sex or dh will do it for me beforehand!

DancingDolly · 03/08/2012 21:48

It's not that I don't believe vaginal orgasms exist BlackHoles, more that I sometimes feel there is an obsession with women having them . In some cases this might be to the detriment of the woman having any orgasm. It also IMO feels as though it's handing over responsibility for the woman's orgasm to the bloke i.e. 'oh well, if I can't come with his todger up me I'm done for'.

I'm not suggesting this is how OP feels but just musing...

notgoodeither · 03/08/2012 22:32

I can't believe people are saying they would be happy to put up with a quick two minute (or less sometimes in our case) shag as long as they had an orgasm by other means! I can have an orgasm - not vaginally mind you but I really enjoy penetrative sex. In my DH's case if I have an orgasm before sex that makes it even worse as it makes him more turned on!
The trouble is I don't want to start the whole process and be disappointed - but the longer we leave it between 'sessions' the worse the problem gets!

Krumbum · 03/08/2012 22:52

Malifience. Yes But clearly that type of sex isn't working for them as the op is unsatisfied. So maybe trying other ways of pleasuring each other is the way forward and could maybe be much more satisfying for the op. why not try exploring different things?

shouldkeepquiet · 03/08/2012 23:04

what about making him wear a condom - if he isn't already -you didn't say. From a male point of view it reduces sensation by a good 30-50% i'd say. Get a heavy duty one, he'll hardly feel a thing! For me if i'm getting 'close' i stop and continue with oral for a few min. until things calm down.

wankpants · 03/08/2012 23:08

My DH is a quick finisher too. Nothing stops it. I don't even touch his penis before we do it and it lasts less than two thrusts. It's very, very annoying. He's also the laziest, most selfish lover in the world, I regularly have to remind him it's not all about the end penetration - it's like he's solely focused on that.

northernmonkey · 03/08/2012 23:16

Op I went through something similar with dh about 2 years ago. I just could not orgasm and the more I tried the worse it got I felt awful but I couldn't tell dh until eventually it got too much.
We spoke and agreed we needed to get back to how things were.
I did some research and came up with the game monogamy which is sold in Ann summers (I'd link but I'm on my iPhone)
It was a fab game and we played it just 3 times and my god it sparked it all back up again.
I would recommend it to anyone

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread