To expect my ex to have a few bits of clothing for DS at his place???

[Badgerina]

You know, like underwear, socks, a few t-shirts, a jumper, maybe pyjamas?

Ex sees DS regularly, EVERY WEEK for overnight stays, and has done for 5 years. I send DS with spare clothes but they don't always come back and it means we are missing items at our place when we need
them.

Ex says that his reason for not getting a few things are because it would create a situation of "clothes for Mum's place" and "clothes for Dad's place". This is NOT my intention.

Ex doesn't work, pays no maintainance, has NEVER offered any money to help with school uniform or shoes. I feel that he can't be bothered to save some of his benefit money to get some spare things for DS's convenience.

Instead, DS's clothes get siphoned off from my place, often disappearing or coming back in a bad state.

Or ex complains that I've not sent enough spares for DS (if he's got dirty or the weather has turned)

It's pissing me off.

Why will he not have clothes at his house, most people do when they have children going between two home, or the wellys are always at the wrong house,

Just supply a list of what goes with your child, keep a copy, and do a check when they get back,

I do know couples that hand over with the set of clothes the child has on and nothing else, just so they don't have the complication of items being at the wrong house, even exes that get on really well, as it becomes boring to do extra return trips for rain coats and other essentials.

My DH has his son at our house every Fri-Sun. We have separate toys (with some doubled up - ie one at each house - if they're particular favourites). However, DSS has no clothes at our house. It's nothing to do with how well we all get on (we are all v amicable and friendly), it's just that we don't really see the point on doubling up on things he'll grow out of really quickly. Saying that, we ALWAYS make sure he goes home with everything he brought with him. We often buy him clothes as well but they go home with him too - we don't see it as having ownership over stuff we've bought or she's bought - it belongs to DSS and he can choose to wear it wherever he wants.

I think you either need to insist your ex returns all of the clothing your DS goes with each time he visits or that he has some clothes at his. Clothes going missing is not a good situation...

I hav have had this problem with my ex partner for years now. ds is now 13 and it's still going on. He used to keep clothes well, so I stopped sending any at all and he goes mad about it. You can't afford to lose clothes if he's keeping them, so tell him to buy them himself. My ex used to use it to wind me up, but I put a stop to it by refusing to send any further supplies.

Can you not send a list along with the clothes you send? I know it's REALLY petty and shouldn't be necessary but at least it's a way of both of you checking that the same amount is coming back each time. It might also show him just how seriously you're taking this...

send him in what hes wearing

My dc's have no clothes at ex-h. They stay one night every two weeks. DD is 10 packs her own stuff and everything comes back (luckily).

I think it would be nice if he bought her a pair of pj's to keep there but it's up to him.

I am the NRP of my eldest son and I wouldn't / don't expect his Dad to send anything for his time here he has his own chest of drawers full of clothes and boxes of toys. He comes in his uniform on a Friday as I collect him from school so the only thing he brings with him is his school stuff and the clothes he was sent home in the week prior.

YANBU.

The problem we've found in buying clothes for DSS is that he loves them and of course wants to take them home and show his mum...we don't have the heart to say no! We tried to build up a wardrobe of clothes for when he's here but he wants to wear and enjoy them when he's at home too. His mum is great though and often dresses him in what we buy him or sends it with him so we know it's always being used and appreciated.

This would annoy me too.

I think it's sad that your ex doesn't WANT to have clothes for his own child at his house. I think that his comment about not wanting their to be "clothes for dad's place" and "clothes for mum's place" is just an excuse.

Could you not go to Primark and get some inexpensive clothes for your son to take - and leave - at his dad's house? You can also get bundles of clothes off of E-bay quite cheaply.

It's frustrating that your ex won't provide DS with clothes to wear at his, but at least it will make things easier for you and your son. You won't be left short of items which your ex hasn't returned, you won't have to spend time writing lists - which your ex could end up ignoring anyway - and your son has the convenience of having clothes at his dad's.

I have clothes for my son at my house, i collect him from his mothers with what she's dressed him in but he will regularly go back the next day in the clothes from my house, and i'll wash what he came in etc for next time. This worls fine between us.

My DSSs (especially DSS1) prefer to have a single wardrobe of clothing but they do have things like pyjamas, slippers, swimming costumes, socks, pants and trainers permanently stationed in our apartment. They keep their wardrobe at their mother's apartment because they have lots of space for it there, much more than at our apartment.

I'm not in this situation but it never occurred to me that anyone would not keep clothes for a child who's staying over regularly. It's a lot of extra hassle for the main carer to have to remember to pack everything every time, and then presumably take care of the washing when it all comes back. If you've got your kid staying over then surely it's your responsibility to clothe him/her?

Pseudo341 - why would a parent return a case full of dirty clothing? Obviously some clothing travels between homes dirty, but our DSSs' clothing gets washed here.

Yanbu and your ex sounds like a lazy scrounging waste of skin.

DP always wanted the DSSs to have clothing here, but actually they hated that arrangement. They want to choose what to wear from their wardrobe and put their own outfits together. And, tbh, it is a real waste of money for growing DCs to have two sets of clothing as they never get properly worn.

Bonsoir - surely it's more hassle to get everything washed and dry and packed up ready to go home in the space of two days then it is to just keep some spare clothes at your own place?

There is no hassle involved keeping clothes at our place - the point is that the boys like to keep their clothes together in one place, and we respect that. They didn't choose to live between two homes and I think that they need to have that life facilitated, to the best of our ability.

My sons spend 50% of their time with each parent. The biggest gripe is stuff being at the wrong house. So we usually have a few trips to pick stuff up - clothes, school stuff, sports kits, phones, games etc.

Fortunately their dad lives less than a mile from me so it's easily managed.

And although it can be a pain, I console myself with the fact that if this is the 'worst' they've had to put up with in ten years of divorced parents (the inconvenience of stuff in the wrong house), we've both done OK as parents.

Obviously it would be a massive pain if there was a significant distance involved.

Badgerina How far away is your ex from you?

Good post, Bonsoir.

the point is that the boys like to keep their clothes together in one place, and we respect that

I sometimes put myself in my boys' position and know I would hate it if my belongings were spread between two houses which IMO has been inevitable in order for both places to feel like home for them. They have never complained once in ten years though, so probably just something for me to feel guilty about it ...

They didn't choose to live between two homes and I think that they need to have that life facilitated, to the best of our ability

Agreed 100%.

Hi all - thanks for all the responses, it is so good to read all the different points of view. I don't know any separated parents IRL so it's difficult to get different perspectives on things.

Ex lives about a mile away. We live in central London.

I take the point about boys not wanting their things spread around, but thankfully DS is not at that stage yet. He is not into clothes at all, although I realise this does happen later - he's only 7 though. As long as he has jeans and t-shirts, and comfy pants, and socks that don't have "worms" in the toes (he has Asperger's and can be a little sensory sometimes), then he's happy.

I think I may have made a breakthrough with ex, and he may be going to buy some spare underwear for his place. DS is ready for the next size up, so a couple of spare things, bought now, should last quite some time