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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know where my children have been?

35 replies

BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 09:02

I have a very difficult relationship with my mum (as does my brother) and it has been decided it is best for her just to see my children, Ds 3yrs and DD 1yr.

She asked to have the children for a few hours yesterday and when collecting them i asked what they would be doing, her response was 'seeing friends and going out for lunch'. She lives an hour away but used to live in the area so has friends here but no base as such to take the children to.

She collected the children at 9.30am and returned them at 4pm, no call or text in that time to let me know when they would be home and i have had no details of what they did other than the children were good. AIBU to want to know what they did for 6 1/2 hours?

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 03/08/2012 09:04

'seeing friends and going out for lunch'

If she told you she went for lunch with Joyce and Beryl, would you be any the wiser as to who Joyce and Beryl are? And would it make a difference?

McHappyPants2012 · 03/08/2012 09:06

it's either you trust your mum with the children or you don't.

when MIL or DM take the kids out for the day they have my mobile number if there are any problems

Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 09:07

I know her friends in the area as this is where we grew up but I think it is almost the not mentioning anything they did which is making me question it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 09:12

True McHappyPants, I do trust her to look after them and know they have fun, I just don't understand her not saying who they have seen and where they have been. My brother quite often has the dc for a whole weekend and we end up hearing about the weekend during a conversation when the dc return.

OP posts:
RaisinDEritrea · 03/08/2012 09:32

You sound like you don't trust her

I don't expect phone calls or texts when the children are with my Mum

Why did you not confirm drop off time when making the arrangements? Is part of your difficult relationship being trodden on/over ridden by her?

ILiveInAPineapple · 03/08/2012 09:59

If you don't trust her, don't let them go for days out with her.

I don't question every movement of my parents when they have my DS. I trust them to look out for his welfare and ensure he has a good time.

However I do find it odd that she didn't want to tell you about their day or maybe my parents are odd?? as I usually get a blow-by-blow account from both my parents and my DS when they come back!

RuleBritannia · 03/08/2012 10:01

Can't your 3 year old tell you what happened and whom they met?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 10:22

I do not understand why you give her access to your children when you seem to not want a relationship with her yourself. If it's unhealthy for you to have a relationship with her, why do you think it's healthy for your DC? Confused

xelliex · 03/08/2012 10:23

Your mother took the children for 'a few hours' and returned with them 6 and a half hours later. I think it's natural to want to know what they did in that time, and to me it sounds like she had them for longer than you were expecting, so a text to let you know wouldn't have hurt either.

Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 10:23

My 3 yr old just said they saw friends and ate nuggets, when I asked the friends names he said he wasn't talking any more Hmm

I suppose trodden on could be a good way of putting it, she is very controlling and bullyish which is why dbro and I have decided to stop contact. She asked to have them for a few hours from 9.30am I suppose I just assumed they would be home after lunch.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 10:27

WhereYouLeftIt she did not start to be like this until I was a teenager, she has never done anything but love my dc so after a lot of thought I felt they would be safe with her and they do really enjoy spending time with her.

I guess I see the secrecy as another mind game.

Thankyou xelliex.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 10:27

"when I asked the friends names he said he wasn't talking any more"
Is that what he was told to say?

You say that she is "very controlling and bullyish". Well, if it's not good enough for you to be treated like that, why in hell's name is it good enough for your DC? Why are you putting them into her control?

RaisinDEritrea · 03/08/2012 10:31

so you couldn't go out because you didn't know when they would be returned? VERY controlling.

It's hard, you have been trained all your life to be subservient to her, so standing up for yourself goes against all your instincts.

I agree that letting your children spend time with someone you don't want to have much contact with isn't ideal

Does DB have children?

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 10:33

X-post.

Have you considered the possibility that she is using her access to your DC as a means of controlling you? I'm sorry, but I think you are being very foolish to allow this. You are placing your children in the middle of a minefield here. Consider - she is already telling your 3 year old to keep secrets from you. You see that as a mind game. Because it is. You might be able to protect yourself from mind games (are you?) but a three year old? A one year old?

Please, please, please rethink this situation. It is not healthy for your children to build up a relationship (and a potentially very warped relationship) with someone whom their mother has such a bad relationship with that the mother actively avoids that person.

Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 10:36

No DB has no children but will do soon hopefully, his children will have no contact with her at all.

She has been involved with my children from the minute they were born though, so it is hard to say no contact as they do have a great time with her. I guess I will have to think again about contact arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 10:38

Thank you WhereYouLeftIt I will have a serious think about the situation.

OP posts:
RaisinDEritrea · 03/08/2012 10:39

can you expand a bit on your upbringing/childhood? what happened to make you and your DB decide on reducing/cutting contact?

Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 10:48

Raisin it would be a very long post and to be honest I wouldn't know where to start. The most recent argument is because I want to see my stepdad who is now her exh and she won't allow me to. My db invited her new partner to his wedding reception but not the ceremony and that caused another big argument (small ceremony, no step family invited not just him).

OP posts:
futureunknown · 03/08/2012 10:53

I certainly would not let my children go out with someone who played mind games with me like this. If my children go out with grandparents I expect to know where they've been, a chat about it afterwards is the social norm. Plus I expect to know when they will return roughly so I can make sure I am at home. As for being told not to speak to me- unbelievable.

OP you are being played like a fiddle. It is time for you to stand up to your bullying and inconsiderate mother. You hold the trump cards- either she does it your way or she doesn't do it.

RaisinDEritrea · 03/08/2012 10:54

gosh, it all sounds terribly hard work and very draining

poor you

Kaluki · 03/08/2012 10:55

The dc obviously are picking up on the tension between you and your Mum and that is why they are reluctant to say where they went with her. Next time you should ask exactly when they will be back. Does your Mum have a mobile phone?
My Mum and her PIL (my grandparents) didn't get on at all but they were brilliant grandparents to us. I recently found out some shocking things about their relationship but I'm so grateful that she didn't let it taint our time with them so I think it is nice that you let her see your dc.

Original poster
BaconDouble · 03/08/2012 11:10

She does have a mobile phone but only texts me now to say when she would like to see the kids or if i am meeting her halfway to bring the kids back from hers.

God reading that back i sound like a bloody doormat!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/08/2012 12:05

"God reading that back i sound like a bloody doormat!"
Seeing something written down does tend to crystallise vague thoughts, I always find. It forces you to look at it, instead of just going with the flow. You are a doormat with her, because she has spent years training you to be. Don't allow her the opportunity to train your children. Sad

Best wishes, BaconDouble.

EldritchCleavage · 03/08/2012 13:34

Sounds like a very ill-advised arrangement to me. If she's too horrible to have contact with you, she's too horrible to have contact with your children.

Would she answer the phone to you if you rang her while she had them? If not, how would you cope with an emergency?

If something unfortunate (e.g. an injury) happened to one of the children while they were with her, could you trust her to tell you about it truthfully, and deal with it appropriately?

tubsmum · 14/08/2012 19:51

Dear Bacondouble

I totallllllly understand your dilemma. I don't speak to my parents and half my siblings. You don't want to isolate your children (in my case my child) but don't know how much you can deal with them. Also, I think the abusive, bullyish parents behave differently with our kids, to how they behaved with us, and we're there to protect them somewhat.

I think you need to feel out what works for you. Maybe have a checklist that you look back on when you are in contact with her. E.g. you set the amount of time she has them. So you say, they need to be home at such and such time, and can you give me a bit of information about their day. That can be via text or if you can bear speaking to her, face to face.
Or maybe she could see them in a public place where you could go too, eg soft play area. Where they can be with her, and you can have a coffee from afar. Thats similar to something I had to do.

Families are the most complex thing, and it isn't that simple to just cut them out of your life. Especially when it deals with our beloved kids. Big hugs x

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