I think DH is hiding finances from me

[Shrewdone]

i am married(10 yrs) and we have 3 kids (6,9,15) the oldest is from past relationship but real dad has never bothered.we used to have a joint bank account until our property business went bust in 2008 and my DH declared himself bankrupt.As I was a joint director of our company ( but DH made all financial deals and decisions) the huge debts that we had were also mine! DH begged me to go bankrupt but I refused. He constantly tried brow beating me into it saying that I am just prolonging the inevitable as they ( the banks/creditors) will come for me anyway and bankrupt me . I told him I would not go bankrupt and if they do then so be it( not a lot I could do). During his bankruptcy he could only have a basic bank account, and I had my own account. DH went back to work as an IT Consultant ( self employed). We lost our lovely home ( it was in his name only and he signed it as security against development finance) so this was repossessed by one of the creditors. He did this behind my back and I only found out when the s..t hit the fan ! We basically lost everything but are very lucky that he is able to earn a very high income as an IT consultant, which is what he was doing prior to setting up the property company.He has been discharged from bankruptcy ( approx 3 yrs) and has a limited company as an IT consultant. We still live in rented as cant get mortgage due to credit history.
My big problem is that he still has his own separate bank accounts both personal business and various savings accounts, which he opened a number of months ago. I honestly do not know how much he earns every month. He tells me it is around £120k per annum gross but I had a bad feeling he isn't being honest so I had a search through his desk and any paperwork and found some bank statements. From what I saw, basically you can double that figure he tells me ! I told him and he laughed at me and denied he earns more. I have insisted countless times that he gives me complete access at all times to the bank accounts but he just makes excuses. Once after a huge row about it he produced a spread sheet that he had made of In goings and outgoings and expected me to accept that !
He pays me an allowance each month which he puts through as a salary saying I work for his company. Over recent months I have had to ask for him to pay it into my account ( very demeaning ) ans he says he hasn't got any money as he has had to pay this and that and he can only give me so much now and more later in the month. This month I have had the same but I told him no and that I expect it paid in one payment as he had originally agreed. Our youngest are in private school so he said I can have my allowance/housekeeping but he will have to use money he put aside for school fees. I decided that his attempt at emotional blackmail will not work so I said OK.
I asked him why when he earns more than most people he is always pleading poverty ? He tried to blame me! Saying most of HIS money goes to me . I told him that this set up is no good and we should have joint accounts and that we are married and who ever earns it is OUR money and I shouldn't be made to go ask him and go through this all the time. I insisted that evening we sit down and he shows me all off his accounts online and pay statements so I can see what income there is and exactly where the money is going ( I have been through this conversation loads of times before). DH response was ' I haven't got time to do that so no '.
I am at my wits end with it because I can only think he has something to hide. and why does he not want me to see exactly why he earns ? The whole thing stinks and I don't know what to do to be honest.Also we rent a huge house in the country which costs loads to upkeep and is 2k per month rent. I hate living here as he works abroad all week and I get spooked as it is quite isolated. Me and the kids all want to,live in a regular size 4bed house in or near town but he refuses to live where I want and will not budge on it.

Directors, Company secretary's, share holders etc can now all be added to companies on line. They ask 'security' questions, but if you are added for the very first time you make up the answers, besides your DH would know the answers. From memory they are things like Father's first name, eye colour, etc.

So look up your name, and the name of other family members such as your DC, to make sure they aren't on any of the companies.

Try to find all other companies registered at the same address, as well, and check them out as well. If there's a lot then it might just be the accountant's address and so not a helpful method of finding other companies.

Shrewdone
It is the classic case here of the woman behind the scenes pushing her DH forward with job and supporting him.
_
Sorry if I am way off the mark here but from what you have said it sounds a bit to me like you may have been the one who encouraged him to start the failed property business so if that is the case it is understandable he would want to keep the finances separate.

bp300 - yes WAY OFF the mark ! He was fed up doing what he was doing and said he has always wanted to do something like building, something practical using his hands. I agreed that he could give up his well paid job and support him in what he wanted to do because I would not want any one to blame me from holding them back in life.I told him I would support him with doing this as long as he promised NEVER to risk the roof over our heads. The only one who should worry about him and our finances is me, as I am doing, And it looks like I have good cause for concern.

Thanks Shrewdone for clarifying that. It just seemed so suspicious by hiding his finances i was just trying to get my head around the reasoning for it. It does look like you have very good reason to be concerned in this case.

thankyou bp300. You do start doubting yourself in these sort of circumstances, thinking ' is it me? am I making something out of nothing? '
But we are married with a family, we have been to rock bottom and lost everything financialy and I dont understand myself why one partner wants to act like this instead of sharing - I thought that was what marriage was all about ?

I worry that he has done nothing about saving towards a deposit for when we can get a mortgage again. I dont understand why he hasn't. Then I think is he planning on getting out of the marraige when he is good and ready and has no intention of buying a family home with me ? Just biding his time before he goes and all the time stashing money away where it wont be found for maintainance etc ( he would have to pay a lot )

Sounds like a crap situation!

It is dodgy and i am worried for you with what he is planning! It sounds like something is brewing under the surface on his end. Maybe he is planning to leave you? Would explain a few things and his mum being on the other business.

He is acting like a total prick! His money is his familes money so why is he keeping you from it? Something rings untrue!

Please tread carefully!

Sorry to say it, but it could be a possibilty.
Also since your MIL comments seem, imo, to lead that way. When she told him to go with her and leave you, she may have thought he would as she is aware of his plans. Seems a bit strange that she is one of the directors and he has set it up when you split.
Can you see if that complany has posted any figures?
Do you think this is what he is doing? is there a possibility that he planned to do this but hasn't used the other company at all since you got back together?
Just trying to find a ray of hope. Sorry.

To clarify on an earlier post directors and co secs do have liability.

The limited liability is for the shareholder, who is only responsible for the unpaid amounts on their shares, which can be as little as 1 pound, in the event of winning up/liquidation.

Directors are liable for any illegal dividends, and for any other wrong doing which could mean statutory disqualification. It is all very public and easily accessible to any future employers.

Please confirm the situation OP! It doesn't protect you that there are documents and security questions, all can be forged.

hi. the MIL set up the company in 2010. A few months later he registered as secretary,nextday director and then a few months later his mother resigned as a director. The company was only dissolved this May. I have searched companies house and there are no records of any money in that company. Very strange. And it hurts to think he only dissolved it 2 months ago.

*winding up of course!

mumoftwocats

sorry, not quite understanding what you mean ? Sick with tonsilitis today and brain prob affected too :-)

Shrewdone - I'm sorry I don't have any further practical advice other than what has been written here, there has been excellent advice however. Please start digging as much as you can, take photos/photocopies of key documents, start phoning around, start building a case.

I think it won't be long till you come to a head and sit your husband down and Mother-in-law for a 'chat'. They CAN explain all of this. There needs to be complete transparency and trust. If you can't have this, you'll be living with much internal frustration and looking for an exit strategy. [Unless you can live in the dark?].

I've been there with my husband. I am not ashamed to admit I opened all his post, snooped on his phone/emails/filing. I snooped on everything you - name it - because he was hiding a huge amount of debt from me and no doubt whatsoever we would have ended up in worst sh$t. I MADE my husband close his business before he went bankrupt and sell up what he could.

I then took as much action as I could to move bills/mortgage/trusts etc... in my name and even changed my will - so that if I ever left - I had a good exit strategy. There was no freakin way, that if I died, my husband will inherit my money to blow on his debts or so called future 'businesses'. But it helped I worked full time and never ever gave up financial control of our household businesses - my husband only 'lied' about his earnings/spendings/debts and business.

Mine - like my DH - if the situation is bad- like to put their head in the sand and prefer to be in a state of denial. OR other DH's (and even DWives) have something to hide where they don't want their partners to benefit from. It's pretty rotten isn't it?

This is going to be a very tough road for you OP and I feel for you.

Stay strong, and there is always a way out. How worse can it get?

[Hugs]

This is a com

Sorry, hit reply! This is a complete shot in the dark, but - he's hiding money from you, and he works abroad all week. You don't think there's any chance he's leading a double life, do you?

Shrewdone, please heed Starrys advice.

Basically if your DH is indeed a director (check the dates as undischarged bankrupts are automatically disqualified from holding a directorship) and you are named as an officer or shareholder without your knowledge then he is breaking the law. If he has paid himself dividends to avoid tax and they have not been properly executed then he is personally liable to repay it to the Company. This debt will fall to you as his wife.

It is possible that he has taken on loans in the name of the company and also as he would contract in the name of the company, and he doesnot perform his duties or does them incorrectly there is a risk of legal action .

You need to find put whats doing on and start to distance yourself financially.

that was my thoughts too lurcherlover, it is very plausible with the amount of money he seems to have hidden away and all these detail coming out

That thought crossed my mind aswell OP. Is there any possibility that he could rent another house somewhere or perhaps have another relationship going on? i am sorry to suggest this

yes I have to say I have never felt very comfortable with him working away. I have begged him to give the job up and get an employed position nearer to home . I know he would have a massive drop in pay for this but I told him that I am prepared to cut our cloth to fit. he will not entertain giving his current lifestyle up for anything ! Told him that he mustt want to work away from us if he not willing to change jobs.
It is all very odd. I don't like him being away all the time and have told him, it has crossed my mind that he could be upto anything and then I feel guilty thinking those things.Some weekends when he comes home he is horrible, not nice company at all.He came home last weekend with his face and mouth covered in revolting cold sores - all puss and lumps yuck !

Where does he stay when he's away? Could you and the dcs go with him for a few days? You don't work, it's the school hols...what reason could he have for objecting??

Maybe a Private investigator would be able to tell you where he's living and maybe even who he's living with, potentially if there is also an OW she may think he's working away when he's with you.
Take lots of screen shots and monitor everything. Take yourself off to the solicitors and see what can be done.

well,he has actually suggested this himself. When he works in Prague he stays in a hotel and when in Bonn he stays in our caravan on a caravan site somewhere.He leaves the caravan out there and only brings it home now and again.When I said I will go out for a few days I think he then trys putting me off saying that he works until at least 9pm and starts at 7.30 am and he would still have to do that even if I am there.

have been through everything in his office tonight and as I thought there is not one single thing of any interest. Not one bank statement. Nothing to tell me what he is getting paid. He scans it all onto his laptops and then goes out and burns all his papers and post in the garden.

thanks everyone for listening and all your comments and advice xx

Burning paper is not a good sign. :(

In this situation you almost wish he just bought a house for a mistress. :( I really, really, REALLY feel for you Shrew. I know nothing about money, and I don't live in England so anything I knew would probably be useless anyway, but I feel the need to say I'm here any time you need a vent. x